I have been writing in a journal ever since I was a in third grade. I have always enjoyed writing. In high school, that writing bug blossomed from horrible attempts at fiction, to commentary - non-fiction pieces that (hopefully) provide some insight about something you care about.
Back in the MySpace days, I wrote my first ever "blog." Chris and I were breaking up after six weeks of falling in love...
Over the next three years, I wrote occassionally. (Like five days later when Chris and I got back together!) Nothing consistent, and nothing ground-breaking. But at the same time, I wrote blogs that caused people to feel what I felt, learn what I learned and see what I saw. A lot of those Myspace blogs are difficult for me to read, because they are very emotion-filled about MY life. I can still see myself sitting at the computer crying about whatever, and writing my little heart out.
But, I saved them. I moved them to Blogger, because I figured I wouldn't be visiting MySpace much. Thus, in August 2009, the blog "Exercises in Writing" was born. I had always intended to write more, to write better, but sometimes life gets in the way. (See Our Two-Wheeled Adventure and Elementary Escapades for evidence!)
The same month, I stumbled upon HubPages.com. This website intends to be a source of information (like Wiki), but a writer's community, and at the same time a portal for blogs. Make no mistake, I have no ideas of grandeur about my writing "career." I write for me, I write for you, and if a stranger happens upon it - and learns something, sweet.
I more than likely will never write the book I always wanted to. I more than likely will never be a journalist. I more than likely will never be a world-renowned blogger. I'm okay with that :) I'm a wife, a stay-at-home-parent, a biker, a Christian, a daughter, a really great bargain hunter and a friend. Isn't that enough?!
So, all that to tell you that there are some articles I wrote on HubPages, that I think are pretty gosh darn awesome. Unfortunately, they did not get read much. I'll post them here for you to read at your leisure ;)
I hope you have an awesome day.
My favorite Hub articles:
America: Land of the Free?
Barack Obama: Nobel Laureate 2009
Gavin Newsom and Keith Bardwell: Heroes or Villains?
And finally, the article I wrote yesterday:
Voting Dress Code First Step in Restoring Respect
Showing posts with label voyeurism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label voyeurism. Show all posts
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Associating Positive Feelings with a Negative Incident
I was molested as a child. I know that is a pretty cliché statement for an emotionally dysfunctional female, but I have a unique tale to tell. I want to share it in case someone has experienced something similar and did NOT have the wise counsel I did to help me through it.
I never told anyone. I never wrote about in my journal. I never even really acknowledged it until 2003. I had moved back to Minnesota and was horribly depressed (NOT because I was molested, but because the sun never shines in that God-forsaken place). In an effort to clear out my head, I started writing daily. One random day in December, the subject came up.
Dec 16, 2003
There were at least 10 people I was intimate with by the time I was 10 years old. Some relatives, some females, some I was perfectly comfortable with (some were not so comfortable). Why does the fact that I was molested not seem to affect me?
When I was three years old, there was a man’s touch that I enjoyed, but it only happened once. For many years, I longed for him. Why is it that I have a love for him rather than a hate? How can I not be angry with him?
Why do I have the memory? Does he? If he does, I desperately want him to know that it is okay. He did not harm me – I feel as if he actually showed me love, care, compassion. That night in his bed is a good memory.
WTF is wrong with me?! How could I write/feel something so perverse? I was THREE YEARS OLD! Am I completely psychotic? Am I supposed to talk about this with someone?
If I ever feel led to say anything to anyone, I pray that I have the opportunity to tell him that it is okay. I would never want him to carry any burden about it…
This journal writing bothered me for quite some time. I didn’t understand. The whole thing was confusing to me. I wanted to know how I could be okay with someone wronging me in the worst possible way.
Soon after, I started to see a counselor for my depression. In March of 2004, I finally told her about the molestation and asked her all my questions. Her explanation was so very helpful to me. Her words brought me so much comfort and relief. She wasn’t able to answer all of my questions, but she brought enough closure to the issue that I have never looked back.
When a person is three-years-old, we are not mentally developed enough to know that sexual touch from an older person is wrong. If there is no physical pain involved, our bodies then associate a positive feeling with the incident. Only when we are older do we associate moral opinions with the incident (but yet still carry the positive physical feeling).
Because the touch was not painful, my body associated happy thoughts with intimacy. The fact that it happened again by someone else taught me that such activity was “common” or “acceptable,” “normal,” “okay.” This deleted the possibility that I would ever tell another adult, and so the molestations continued (and realize that sometimes, I was the aggressor).
The counselor went on to explain that when I was older, say 7 or 8, that I associated moral right or wrong and emotion with each incident. I re-created the memories to include whatever mentally developed thoughts I had. By that time, the repeated actions by others had ingrained in my mind that intimacy between two people – regardless of age or gender – was okay. Thus, deleting the possibility that I would ever tattle, and increasing my desire to have such intimate interactions with people.
There is NOTHING haywire with my brain. I am NOT psychotic! I just have a very different experience than most children who are molested.
http://www.childmolestationprevention.org/
Don’t misunderstand. There are side effects to my unique story. However, the side effects, I think, are of a completely different nature than most children who are molested. The most obvious of side effects is my ridiculous sex drive – seriously, like I could have relations with my husband four times a day if he was up for it. I believe this stems from my positive feeling associated with the first incident. I also place a LOT of importance on physical intimacy - much more than I should. I have a great fear of rejection, but only in regards to physical intimacy. Even so much as if my husband doesn’t kiss me the minute he sees me, I feel rejected. I know that my issues are still issues that I need to deal with. But truthfully, I think the abandonment by my father and the emotional abuse I suffered as a child had a much more lasting effect on my psyche than the fact that I was molested.
Thankfully, my counselor back in 2004 helped me see that I am not crazy. If you have dealt with molestation, please know I am sorry. But also know that there are a plethora of avenues to get help.
http://www.darkness2light.org/
Post Secret
I never told anyone. I never wrote about in my journal. I never even really acknowledged it until 2003. I had moved back to Minnesota and was horribly depressed (NOT because I was molested, but because the sun never shines in that God-forsaken place). In an effort to clear out my head, I started writing daily. One random day in December, the subject came up.
Dec 16, 2003
There were at least 10 people I was intimate with by the time I was 10 years old. Some relatives, some females, some I was perfectly comfortable with (some were not so comfortable). Why does the fact that I was molested not seem to affect me?
When I was three years old, there was a man’s touch that I enjoyed, but it only happened once. For many years, I longed for him. Why is it that I have a love for him rather than a hate? How can I not be angry with him?
Why do I have the memory? Does he? If he does, I desperately want him to know that it is okay. He did not harm me – I feel as if he actually showed me love, care, compassion. That night in his bed is a good memory.
WTF is wrong with me?! How could I write/feel something so perverse? I was THREE YEARS OLD! Am I completely psychotic? Am I supposed to talk about this with someone?
If I ever feel led to say anything to anyone, I pray that I have the opportunity to tell him that it is okay. I would never want him to carry any burden about it…
This journal writing bothered me for quite some time. I didn’t understand. The whole thing was confusing to me. I wanted to know how I could be okay with someone wronging me in the worst possible way.
Soon after, I started to see a counselor for my depression. In March of 2004, I finally told her about the molestation and asked her all my questions. Her explanation was so very helpful to me. Her words brought me so much comfort and relief. She wasn’t able to answer all of my questions, but she brought enough closure to the issue that I have never looked back.
When a person is three-years-old, we are not mentally developed enough to know that sexual touch from an older person is wrong. If there is no physical pain involved, our bodies then associate a positive feeling with the incident. Only when we are older do we associate moral opinions with the incident (but yet still carry the positive physical feeling).
Because the touch was not painful, my body associated happy thoughts with intimacy. The fact that it happened again by someone else taught me that such activity was “common” or “acceptable,” “normal,” “okay.” This deleted the possibility that I would ever tell another adult, and so the molestations continued (and realize that sometimes, I was the aggressor).
The counselor went on to explain that when I was older, say 7 or 8, that I associated moral right or wrong and emotion with each incident. I re-created the memories to include whatever mentally developed thoughts I had. By that time, the repeated actions by others had ingrained in my mind that intimacy between two people – regardless of age or gender – was okay. Thus, deleting the possibility that I would ever tattle, and increasing my desire to have such intimate interactions with people.
There is NOTHING haywire with my brain. I am NOT psychotic! I just have a very different experience than most children who are molested.
http://www.childmolestationprevention.org/
Don’t misunderstand. There are side effects to my unique story. However, the side effects, I think, are of a completely different nature than most children who are molested. The most obvious of side effects is my ridiculous sex drive – seriously, like I could have relations with my husband four times a day if he was up for it. I believe this stems from my positive feeling associated with the first incident. I also place a LOT of importance on physical intimacy - much more than I should. I have a great fear of rejection, but only in regards to physical intimacy. Even so much as if my husband doesn’t kiss me the minute he sees me, I feel rejected. I know that my issues are still issues that I need to deal with. But truthfully, I think the abandonment by my father and the emotional abuse I suffered as a child had a much more lasting effect on my psyche than the fact that I was molested.
Thankfully, my counselor back in 2004 helped me see that I am not crazy. If you have dealt with molestation, please know I am sorry. But also know that there are a plethora of avenues to get help.
http://www.darkness2light.org/
Post Secret
Friday, July 31, 2009
Shhhh…Don’t tell!
I ADORE my husband (WAY more than I should).
I do not have a college degree.
I am a Christian.
Some facts are better left as secrets.
I LOVE to play pool.
Seth David Fisher broke my heart in the 7th grade.
When my parents were out of town one weekend, I allowed some friends to borrow their motor home.
I was abandoned by my father at like 6 months old, and then rejected by him in my 20s.
I am a divorcee.
The constellations Orion and the Big Dipper remind me of significant events in my life.
I suffered from a miscarriage in January 2007.
I am hoping Brytin’s year in kindergarten will help me decide if I want to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think that I have a “chemical imbalance.”
I used to earn almost $25/hour.
My uncle lied to me one too many times.
I drink a LOT of coffee and barely any water.
I once ratted out a friend to save my own ass.
I do not WANT to quit smoking.
I slept with a married man (before I was married).
I am not at all confident.
I am a stay-at-home stepmother.
I feel as though I let a lot of people down in my short life.
My grandmother lives a few hours away from me, but I haven’t seen her in three years.
I miss Kristen Sue Stich.
I’ve been married in Vegas - twice.
I have more debts than four families should have.
I have never lived up to my potential.
I have a rage deep inside that no one has ever seen.
I am scared to death of inheriting rheumatoid arthritis.
I ride a motorcycle.
I hate only one person on this earth.
I used to snort a lot of crystal meth.
I swear too much.
I live in a manufactured home.
I had an abortion the summer before my sophomore year.
I long to be the wisest person you know.
I am really good friends with my husband’s ex-wife.
No one close to me has died (knock on wood).
I love to cook and knit and garden and read.
I wish I could do eighth grade all over again.
http://www.postsecret.com/
I do not have a college degree.
I am a Christian.
Some facts are better left as secrets.
I LOVE to play pool.
Seth David Fisher broke my heart in the 7th grade.
When my parents were out of town one weekend, I allowed some friends to borrow their motor home.
I was abandoned by my father at like 6 months old, and then rejected by him in my 20s.
I am a divorcee.
The constellations Orion and the Big Dipper remind me of significant events in my life.
I suffered from a miscarriage in January 2007.
I am hoping Brytin’s year in kindergarten will help me decide if I want to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think that I have a “chemical imbalance.”
I used to earn almost $25/hour.
My uncle lied to me one too many times.
I drink a LOT of coffee and barely any water.
I once ratted out a friend to save my own ass.
I do not WANT to quit smoking.
I slept with a married man (before I was married).
I am not at all confident.
I am a stay-at-home stepmother.
I feel as though I let a lot of people down in my short life.
My grandmother lives a few hours away from me, but I haven’t seen her in three years.
I miss Kristen Sue Stich.
I’ve been married in Vegas - twice.
I have more debts than four families should have.
I have never lived up to my potential.
I have a rage deep inside that no one has ever seen.
I am scared to death of inheriting rheumatoid arthritis.
I ride a motorcycle.
I hate only one person on this earth.
I used to snort a lot of crystal meth.
I swear too much.
I live in a manufactured home.
I had an abortion the summer before my sophomore year.
I long to be the wisest person you know.
I am really good friends with my husband’s ex-wife.
No one close to me has died (knock on wood).
I love to cook and knit and garden and read.
I wish I could do eighth grade all over again.
http://www.postsecret.com/
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Sunday August 6, 2006
my favorite website
Current mood: discontent
Visit www.postsecret.com
"Some of the postcards I can really identify with; others, I can't. But with every single one, I want to reach out and hug the maker of the card. Every heartbreak reaches my own heart; every victory makes me want to cheer. It's like having a family all over the world." (posted by Anonymous on postsecret.com)
New postcards are posted every Sunday, so if the website doesn't catch your fancy this week, please try again next week.
Postsecret Books on Amazon
Current mood: discontent
Visit www.postsecret.com
"Some of the postcards I can really identify with; others, I can't. But with every single one, I want to reach out and hug the maker of the card. Every heartbreak reaches my own heart; every victory makes me want to cheer. It's like having a family all over the world." (posted by Anonymous on postsecret.com)
New postcards are posted every Sunday, so if the website doesn't catch your fancy this week, please try again next week.
Postsecret Books on Amazon
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