I Had a Dream

Last night I dreamt that Dae and I were visiting my sister. He said his first sentence "No one knows me here."

The dream was present day, he was a smidge older, but not yet a year. We were sitting outside, him on my lap, maybe by a bonfire. I asked him something, can't remember exactly what, but he responded with words - big words. Lots of them. "No one knows me here," he said, as he looked right into my eyes.

I said "Do you want to leave?" And he said, "Yes."

It's crazy that I dreamt about his first sentence. The fact that my sister was a character in the story complicates matters.

I don't often spend a lot of time thinking about my dreams. There are two from junior high that I remember vividly. There's one from my first marriage I remember. There's a couple I have written about. There are a few more from my pregnancy - my baby having chin-length wavy red hair, my baby getting kidnapped, and hearing my baby laughing during an ultrasound.

I've never dreamt about my sister before, but now I have - TWO nights in a row. I find it hard to believe that doesn't mean SOMETHING. What though?

The meaning of his first sentence, "no one knows me" is laced with multiple possibilities. Is he saying I should allow him to know his aunt? Or just stating a fact? Or is he implying that he doesn't like it that no one put forth effort to know him?

I got the impression that we'd been sitting there a loooong time and he was saying, "Look, we tried. We came. We put ourselves out there and not one person spent a significant amount of time talking to us. These people are not worth our time."

My relationship with my sister is complicated, and yet described so simply - there isn't one. And most likely, both of us are too hurt and jaded to make the first step to change it.

It's unfortunate for our children, because my sister and I have managed to follow in the footsteps of every single member of our family (BOTH sides). A family member pisses us off or hurts our feelings and we write them off, never to speak to them again.

When my sister and I were close, I believed we could break that viscious cycle. I had a dream that we would be lifelong friends...

Halliburton? Really?!

You'll notice on the right side of your screen that I added a new gadget to my blog: Popular Posts.

When I saw this new gadget, I was uber excited to find out just what my readers read! I even briefly contemplated whether I would write more of whatever it was to hopefully make my readers happy...

And then I saw that THIS is my most popular post. What a drag. Hopefully some of the researchers who stumble across my blog stick around to read a little of my emotion, my wit, my politics, my religion, my life...

Communication With the Dead?

I haven't thought much about communication with the afterlife, honestly. But I had something happen to me last night that really makes me wonder.

My husband is working overnights this week,so I have been staying up far too late into the wee hours playing Farmville, writing, reading, watching television,etc.

Last night, around 3 am or so, I was farming and I was trying to finish up my notes on John 4. I think I kept falling asleep at the computer, though. Farmville has been running very slow this week, so it isn't too far-fetched to think I might doze off while waiting for something to load.

At some point, I realized I was sleeping and went and laid down on the couch. (I don't sleep in my bed without my husband.)

So this morning, around 8ish, my husband wakes me and we chit-chat until he falls asleep. I go sit at the computer to enjoy a cup of coffee and play some Farmville. I look at my notebook to see where I left off with John 4, and the last thing written is:

"Rudy didn't get a chance to say goodbye and he holds a lot of animosity for that."

What the???

So I reread some of the other notes on the page to see if they are all weird, and nope, they are legitimate notes from my study of John 4.

In case you didn't know, there is no mention of a "Rudy" in the Bible; especially not in John 4.

I actually know a gentleman named Rudy who has passed on, and we DIDN'T get to say good-bye. Would he really have animosity? I don't think so, but 80+ year-old men are funny like that...

It seems to me that I received a message in my sleeping stupor and wrote it down.

A few more things to note:
1. I do not at all remember writing this note.
2.The writing is in my exact penmanship - not sloppy from being written by a sleeping person.
3. I was watching the Cosby show around 1:30 am, and Rudy was the focus of the episode, so maybe it was just some weird combination of sleep, Bible study, and the Cosby show?

Like I said, I haven't thought much about communication with the dead, so any thoughts you have would be greatly appreciated.

New Year's Eve

I've always had a love-hate relationship with New Year's Eve. Yes, it is a time to celebrate, a time to gather with loved ones and reminisce, a time to set goals for the next year and dream about tomorrows...But it's never been all that in my life.

First of all, New Year's Eve always seemed like the perfect opportunity for my inner demon to point out all my failures of the past year. I would spend the whole week between Christmas and New Year's lamenting all the things I did NOT accomplish.

Second of all, New Year's Eve was my ex-husband's birthday, so for seven years, I was actually not allowed to even really celebrate New Year's. He had such a ridiculous complex about "sharing" his birthday with a holiday, that any mention of it at any point prior to midnight was met with a temper tantrum.

Third of all, since I have been with Chris, we have always had Brytin on New Year's Eve. Not necessarily because we wanted to share the holiday with him, but because we wanted him to be safe...

So here it is, the end of 2009. I'm fighting the urge to consider all the things that went wrong this year. Truthfully, looking back on it, 2009 was a remarkable year, but there were some horrible moments.

As my witty friend Susan said, "thanks to you--2009!--for all of the beautiful lessons, infinite blessings and sweet surprises you brought to me. (By the way: you can also suck it for the crappy parts, 2009...I mean really.)"

In Feb 2009, Brytin came to live with us.
In March we bought our motorcycles.
In May, I lost my job and became a full-time parent.
In August, Brytin started Kinder, and we lost Emma.
In November, I turned 31, we had our first overnighter, and we celebrated 2 years of marriage. I made my first ever Thanksgiving dinner and we hosted a super fun party.
This month, Brytin turned 5, my mom almost died, and Chris got used to working in Supply again (under a new Chief).
In 2009, Brytin started learning how to read, Chris fell in love with me, and I started getting healthy. I'd say, 2009 was a rebuilding year. A successful one.

And tonight? Well, tonight, my husband is taking me out :) Brytin will be at his mother's. Chris and I will be going to dinner and then on a yacht cruise on the San Diego Bay.

We will also be with his group of friends - James, Ko, Fox, Fox's bro and Eli. Only one missing is Martin :( This group of guys have been around the entire year. They are a good group, a fun group, and a safe group. I am glad my husband met them, glad he chose them as his friends, glad we will be ringing in 2010 with them.

2010 shows hope for being amazing. The first week, we have two events scheduled that are pretty big and will shape the whole year.

Another gem from Susan:
I am the New Year.
I am an unspoiled page in your book of time.
I am your next chance at the art of living.
I am your opportunity to practice what you have learned about life in the last twelve months.
All that you sought and didn't find is hidden in me, waiting for you to search for it again and with more determination.
All the good that you tried for and didn't achieve is mine to grant when you have fewer conflicting desires.
All that you dreamed but didn't dare to do; all that you hoped but did not will; all the faith you claimed but did not have~ these slumber lightly, waiting to be awakend by the touch of a strong purpose.
It is never too late to be the person you always dreamed you would be.

Happy New Year to you! Be safe, be merry and be loved!

Weirdest Dream EVER

I seriously had the WEIRDEST dream ever last night. And no, I did not eat an Oreo McFlurry to cause it! I have NO idea why I had this dream.

I was at my mom's house (which wasn't REALLY my mom's house, it was really an old castle). There was a bunch of random stuff that happened, like putting away groceries, filling vases with flowers, laundry,etc.

So, I'm in the backyard, and I think I'm raking...and Brad Pitt walks up. (No shit.) And I start giving him a hard time, because he had bought Angelina HUGE diamond earrings because Jen (Aniston, obviously) was making fun of her...And so I'm like taunting Brad Pitt, "Oh, Brad, Jen has bigger earrings than me, waaaa waaa waaa," "Oh, don't worry, Angie, I'll fix it!"

And then Angelina pops her head out the window and starts yelling at me, like we're old friends...no shit. I'M ON TEAM ANISTON! THIS DREAM IS RIDICULOUS!

So, Angie and I sit down at the table, and we're chatting. About life. And I find out that she's a typcial 34-year-old with all the same problems most 30-year-old girls have...except she is with Brad Pitt and they have like 7 kids...

Apparently, in my dream world, Angie and I are pretty good friends...It's really creeping me out. I even asked her if Brad was good in bed! "Well, you know how sexy guys are...they've never had to work for anything in their lives..."

Anyone care to interpret?!!

Dreams

I was once told that I should not eat sweets prior to going to bed.

I had an Oreo McFlurry pretty late at night recently.

I subsequently had three insane dreams.

First there was the Motorcycle Club that wouldn’t let me in because I had a pet hamster. (But maybe these guys will?)

Then I dreamt there were two Brytins, but he wasn’t necessarily a twin – more like a clone. One would go to school and one would stay home with me.

And finally, there was a real estate business I had looked into that was really a front for Swingers/Sex Slave ring.

In between those crazy dreams, I had a few other random moments: Chris borrowed $1600 to his co-worker Martin for his new motorcycle. Of course, I was livid because Martin had his own $4000 to buy his bike.

And when Lisa Bautista was dropping me off at the real estate/swinger gathering, she asked me “Why are you always trying to ‘improve’ yourself and not for the sake of a higher salary? You’re amazing. Leave it alone.”

I have no idea what any of this means. What I do know, is that I will never again have 82 grams of carbohydrates right before bed.

Shhhh…Don’t tell!

I ADORE my husband (WAY more than I should).
I do not have a college degree.
I am a Christian.
Some facts are better left as secrets.
I LOVE to play pool.
Seth David Fisher broke my heart in the 7th grade.
When my parents were out of town one weekend, I allowed some friends to borrow their motor home.
I was abandoned by my father at like 6 months old, and then rejected by him in my 20s.
I am a divorcee.
The constellations Orion and the Big Dipper remind me of significant events in my life.
I suffered from a miscarriage in January 2007.
I am hoping Brytin’s year in kindergarten will help me decide if I want to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think that I have a “chemical imbalance.”
I used to earn almost $25/hour.
My uncle lied to me one too many times.
I drink a LOT of coffee and barely any water.
I once ratted out a friend to save my own ass.
I do not WANT to quit smoking.
I slept with a married man (before I was married).
I am not at all confident.
I am a stay-at-home stepmother.
I feel as though I let a lot of people down in my short life.
My grandmother lives a few hours away from me, but I haven’t seen her in three years.
I miss Kristen Sue Stich.
I’ve been married in Vegas - twice.
I have more debts than four families should have.
I have never lived up to my potential.
I have a rage deep inside that no one has ever seen.
I am scared to death of inheriting rheumatoid arthritis.
I ride a motorcycle.
I hate only one person on this earth.
I used to snort a lot of crystal meth.
I swear too much.
I live in a manufactured home.
I had an abortion the summer before my sophomore year.
I long to be the wisest person you know.
I am really good friends with my husband’s ex-wife.
No one close to me has died (knock on wood).
I love to cook and knit and garden and read.
I wish I could do eighth grade all over again.

http://www.postsecret.com/

My Internal Struggle

I have so many things I want to write about - my history, my world, my thoughts, funny things, sad things. I have so much in my mind that I want to get out - my hopes, dreams, heartaches and pleasures. I have knowledge through experiences that I want to record in hopes that someone, somewhere will learn something. But alas, as I sit here now, nothing profound comes to me. No inspirational, relevant message for anyone, anywhere.

I feel as though I meander through this life - sometimes amazing, sometimes average, sometimes ecstatic, sometimes melancholy. Where is it all leading? Where am I going? What impact am I having? I cook, I clean, I converse, I do my best to make everyone I meet comfortable and happy. I try to give them a life of peace, joy and love. Am I successful? Only time will tell. Does the effort I've put into writing actually help anyone? Only time will tell. Is my life fulfilling, meaningful? Only time will tell. I know that on a day-to-day basis, I am filled with love for those around me (and those far away).

I know I go to sleep satisfied with the events of the day, filled with thanksgiving and happiness. But I also have a desire to achieve more. Very rarely am I truly content - what am I reaching for? Do others feel this way? Do others battle the fine line between pleasure in the present and a drive to continually progress towards better? How can I reconcile the ideas of contentedness versus stagnation?

Whenever I spend too long thinking about this internal struggle, I force myself to remember “The Dash.” It is a great poem written by Linda Ellis in 1996.

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend

He referred to the dates on her tombstone from the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth and spoke of the following date with tears,

But he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time that she spent alive on earth...

And now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own; the cars...the house...the cash.

What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard ... are there things you'd like to change?

For you never know how much time is left. (You could be at "dash mid-range")

If we could just slow down enough to consider what's true and real,

And always try to understand the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more,

And love the people in our lives like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile...

Remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read with your life's actions to rehash...

Would you be proud of the things they say about how you spend your dash??

Saturday February 9, 2008

laziass
I want to write more.
I want to clean more.
I want to keep in touch more.
I want to read more.
I want to finish school.
I want to pay off all my debts.
I want to make a difference in everyone's world.
I want to be an extra-super-awesome friend, wife, daughter, sister, employee.
But yet, I spend hours a day on the computer or watching stand up comedy or just feeling the warmth of the California sunshine...Laziass? Yes. Happy? Yes.

Tuesday February 5, 2008

WHOA
Current mood: worried
So....I had a dream last night that I was pregnant...I've heard that biological clocks turn on in an unexpected instant...For the first time in 29 years, I think that I may get that "gotta have a baby syndrome." WHOA. That's huge.
For the record, I would be a horrible mother. Not only are my genes plagued with depression, alcoholism, pathological lying, addiction, psychosis, and every other horrible thing known to man, but I am ridiculously selfish, lazy, irritable and financially broke.
Realize that I know that God is infinitely wiser than I, so if I am to bear Chris's child(ren), I would be compliant and, more than likely, ECSTATIC. However, I do not want to ever NEED a child more than I need Jesus or my husband or my sanity.
WHOA. Dreams are stupid.

Items I do NOT want to buy anytime soon