I have no idea where Vicky Gray Deaton got this note. I do not know if she wrote it, or if it happened to someone she knows or if it was just an email forward she received. I do not know. My intent is not to steal it or take credit for it. I did not write this. However, I want you to read it. I want you to learn so many things from it. I want you to feel how the husband, the wife, the son AND the mistress felt. I want you to get a more clear picture of human interaction, human emotion and the human condition...Will you achieve all of these goals I have for you? I do not know, but I PRAY that you at least try.
MARRIAGE...A MUST READ! Saturday, July 17, 2010 at 7:03pm
MARRIAGE
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Yiiiiipppppppeeeeeeeeeee!!!
I finally found Kristin Stich! (Apparently, I had been spelling her name wrong all these years.)
This treasure came in perfect timing for me. I have been working on self-esteem issues, and one of my biggest haunts was that I always had a negative impression of the type of friend I was to her. For 15 or so years, I have regretted choices I made...
For her to tell me that I was her best friend really just affirms everything I have been learning -- there is no reason for me to be so damn negative about myself!
Old friends really are the best friends!
This treasure came in perfect timing for me. I have been working on self-esteem issues, and one of my biggest haunts was that I always had a negative impression of the type of friend I was to her. For 15 or so years, I have regretted choices I made...
For her to tell me that I was her best friend really just affirms everything I have been learning -- there is no reason for me to be so damn negative about myself!
Old friends really are the best friends!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
A Year Has Passed
One year ago, I began a journey that I was not at all prepared for. Truthfully, it is a journey that may never end, and it probably began more than a year ago.
One year ago, I wrote this:
In my particular trial that started 9/28/08, and will last for the rest of my life, it really was not even about me. It was not a lesson I needed to learn. I am just the example of Christ that was necessary for all parties involved. I have to go through this so that others can see what unconditional love really looks like.
Many things happened to compound the problems I faced that day, but thankfully, I embraced every circumstance as an opportunity to exemplify love. Oh sure, I still got angry and sad and frustrated and confused and scared, but when all the dust settled, I chose love as the emotion to display.
Over the last year, I have grown more than I ever thought possible. I have physically shrank due to stress, I have emotionally broken-down multiple times and I have cried more tears than some cry in a lifetime. I have even shouted and pounded my fists a few times.
But, as I look back over the last year, I can see the wonderful woman I have become.
By loving others unconditionally, I have finally begun to love myself unconditionally.
One year ago, I wrote this:
In my particular trial that started 9/28/08, and will last for the rest of my life, it really was not even about me. It was not a lesson I needed to learn. I am just the example of Christ that was necessary for all parties involved. I have to go through this so that others can see what unconditional love really looks like.
Many things happened to compound the problems I faced that day, but thankfully, I embraced every circumstance as an opportunity to exemplify love. Oh sure, I still got angry and sad and frustrated and confused and scared, but when all the dust settled, I chose love as the emotion to display.
Over the last year, I have grown more than I ever thought possible. I have physically shrank due to stress, I have emotionally broken-down multiple times and I have cried more tears than some cry in a lifetime. I have even shouted and pounded my fists a few times.
But, as I look back over the last year, I can see the wonderful woman I have become.
By loving others unconditionally, I have finally begun to love myself unconditionally.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Perseverance
A lesser-minded individual would have given up by now. A weaker soul would have caved, but she perseveres. She continues to fight for herself and for her children. She stays sober in the face of defeat, not because the courts are telling her to, but because sobriety is her choice.
In the six and a half months since that tragic night, she has gotten certified to be a personal chef and a yoga instructor. She has continued her quest for a bachelor’s degree in psychology. She has taken classes to learn co-parenting skills, communication skills and anger management skills. She has read countless books. She successfully completed a month-long stint in rehab. She has told her story to substance abuse classes. She has endured the death of her grandmother. She has lost and regained partial custody of her two children. She spends every Saturday and Sunday with them. She attends church at least three Alcoholics Anonymous meetings every week. She reads her Bible every day and prays that God’s Will would be done in her life. She attends church every Sunday and teaches her son everything she can about Jesus Christ.
For all intents and purposes, the woman has been rehabilitated. What more could she possibly do to atone for her sins? Yes, she endangered her life and her son’s. I get that. But should a woman be seen only as her mistake? Did we not learn anything from “The Scarlett Letter?”
Her readiness conference yesterday was continued until October 29th. That’s more than six weeks from now! The emotions I felt in July are even more frustrated now. The District Attorney continues to try to make an example of her – offering nothing but punishment to the full extent the law allows.
Who would gain from such a sentence? What benefit would be added to San Diego County if she served YEARS in prison for driving drunk? Her children won’t be any safer than they are now. She won’t be any more encouraged to be a productive member of society. Putting her in prison puts a drain on the taxpayers, whereas allowing her to be free to work pays taxes. She won’t have a license, she doesn’t have a car – she cannot endanger anyone’s life any more than you or me.
I understand that she has shown that when under the influence of alcohol, she is capable of making poor decisions. However, time has proven that she wants to be sober. Forever.
What good is it doing anyone to continue punishing her and possibly even punish her more?! Who is benefitting from this? Certainly not her or her children, not Chris or Richard or me are gaining anything. She cannot go off base (except for meetings), so her shopping is limited to the convenience store at the hospital. She cannot go to Bible study. She cannot pick up her mail. She cannot even take her kids to a playground.
And this is where her strength, intelligence and perseverance shine through. Sure, she gets frustrated and disappointed every time her request for liberty is denied. But every time, she accepts it and continues her journey. She does not drown her sorrows in liquor, she does not throw up her hands in surrender, she does not change her course. She trusts in the Lord’s timing and wholeheartedly believes that “all things work for the good of those who love Him.” (Romans 8:26)
I can only pray that someone somewhere will eventually see and appreciate the amazing woman she has become and allow her the opportunity to be the beacon of light that she is to a greater audience.
In the six and a half months since that tragic night, she has gotten certified to be a personal chef and a yoga instructor. She has continued her quest for a bachelor’s degree in psychology. She has taken classes to learn co-parenting skills, communication skills and anger management skills. She has read countless books. She successfully completed a month-long stint in rehab. She has told her story to substance abuse classes. She has endured the death of her grandmother. She has lost and regained partial custody of her two children. She spends every Saturday and Sunday with them. She attends church at least three Alcoholics Anonymous meetings every week. She reads her Bible every day and prays that God’s Will would be done in her life. She attends church every Sunday and teaches her son everything she can about Jesus Christ.
For all intents and purposes, the woman has been rehabilitated. What more could she possibly do to atone for her sins? Yes, she endangered her life and her son’s. I get that. But should a woman be seen only as her mistake? Did we not learn anything from “The Scarlett Letter?”
Her readiness conference yesterday was continued until October 29th. That’s more than six weeks from now! The emotions I felt in July are even more frustrated now. The District Attorney continues to try to make an example of her – offering nothing but punishment to the full extent the law allows.
Who would gain from such a sentence? What benefit would be added to San Diego County if she served YEARS in prison for driving drunk? Her children won’t be any safer than they are now. She won’t be any more encouraged to be a productive member of society. Putting her in prison puts a drain on the taxpayers, whereas allowing her to be free to work pays taxes. She won’t have a license, she doesn’t have a car – she cannot endanger anyone’s life any more than you or me.
I understand that she has shown that when under the influence of alcohol, she is capable of making poor decisions. However, time has proven that she wants to be sober. Forever.
What good is it doing anyone to continue punishing her and possibly even punish her more?! Who is benefitting from this? Certainly not her or her children, not Chris or Richard or me are gaining anything. She cannot go off base (except for meetings), so her shopping is limited to the convenience store at the hospital. She cannot go to Bible study. She cannot pick up her mail. She cannot even take her kids to a playground.
And this is where her strength, intelligence and perseverance shine through. Sure, she gets frustrated and disappointed every time her request for liberty is denied. But every time, she accepts it and continues her journey. She does not drown her sorrows in liquor, she does not throw up her hands in surrender, she does not change her course. She trusts in the Lord’s timing and wholeheartedly believes that “all things work for the good of those who love Him.” (Romans 8:26)
I can only pray that someone somewhere will eventually see and appreciate the amazing woman she has become and allow her the opportunity to be the beacon of light that she is to a greater audience.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Associating Positive Feelings with a Negative Incident
I was molested as a child. I know that is a pretty cliché statement for an emotionally dysfunctional female, but I have a unique tale to tell. I want to share it in case someone has experienced something similar and did NOT have the wise counsel I did to help me through it.
I never told anyone. I never wrote about in my journal. I never even really acknowledged it until 2003. I had moved back to Minnesota and was horribly depressed (NOT because I was molested, but because the sun never shines in that God-forsaken place). In an effort to clear out my head, I started writing daily. One random day in December, the subject came up.
Dec 16, 2003
There were at least 10 people I was intimate with by the time I was 10 years old. Some relatives, some females, some I was perfectly comfortable with (some were not so comfortable). Why does the fact that I was molested not seem to affect me?
When I was three years old, there was a man’s touch that I enjoyed, but it only happened once. For many years, I longed for him. Why is it that I have a love for him rather than a hate? How can I not be angry with him?
Why do I have the memory? Does he? If he does, I desperately want him to know that it is okay. He did not harm me – I feel as if he actually showed me love, care, compassion. That night in his bed is a good memory.
WTF is wrong with me?! How could I write/feel something so perverse? I was THREE YEARS OLD! Am I completely psychotic? Am I supposed to talk about this with someone?
If I ever feel led to say anything to anyone, I pray that I have the opportunity to tell him that it is okay. I would never want him to carry any burden about it…
This journal writing bothered me for quite some time. I didn’t understand. The whole thing was confusing to me. I wanted to know how I could be okay with someone wronging me in the worst possible way.
Soon after, I started to see a counselor for my depression. In March of 2004, I finally told her about the molestation and asked her all my questions. Her explanation was so very helpful to me. Her words brought me so much comfort and relief. She wasn’t able to answer all of my questions, but she brought enough closure to the issue that I have never looked back.
When a person is three-years-old, we are not mentally developed enough to know that sexual touch from an older person is wrong. If there is no physical pain involved, our bodies then associate a positive feeling with the incident. Only when we are older do we associate moral opinions with the incident (but yet still carry the positive physical feeling).
Because the touch was not painful, my body associated happy thoughts with intimacy. The fact that it happened again by someone else taught me that such activity was “common” or “acceptable,” “normal,” “okay.” This deleted the possibility that I would ever tell another adult, and so the molestations continued (and realize that sometimes, I was the aggressor).
The counselor went on to explain that when I was older, say 7 or 8, that I associated moral right or wrong and emotion with each incident. I re-created the memories to include whatever mentally developed thoughts I had. By that time, the repeated actions by others had ingrained in my mind that intimacy between two people – regardless of age or gender – was okay. Thus, deleting the possibility that I would ever tattle, and increasing my desire to have such intimate interactions with people.
There is NOTHING haywire with my brain. I am NOT psychotic! I just have a very different experience than most children who are molested.
http://www.childmolestationprevention.org/
Don’t misunderstand. There are side effects to my unique story. However, the side effects, I think, are of a completely different nature than most children who are molested. The most obvious of side effects is my ridiculous sex drive – seriously, like I could have relations with my husband four times a day if he was up for it. I believe this stems from my positive feeling associated with the first incident. I also place a LOT of importance on physical intimacy - much more than I should. I have a great fear of rejection, but only in regards to physical intimacy. Even so much as if my husband doesn’t kiss me the minute he sees me, I feel rejected. I know that my issues are still issues that I need to deal with. But truthfully, I think the abandonment by my father and the emotional abuse I suffered as a child had a much more lasting effect on my psyche than the fact that I was molested.
Thankfully, my counselor back in 2004 helped me see that I am not crazy. If you have dealt with molestation, please know I am sorry. But also know that there are a plethora of avenues to get help.
http://www.darkness2light.org/
Post Secret
I never told anyone. I never wrote about in my journal. I never even really acknowledged it until 2003. I had moved back to Minnesota and was horribly depressed (NOT because I was molested, but because the sun never shines in that God-forsaken place). In an effort to clear out my head, I started writing daily. One random day in December, the subject came up.
Dec 16, 2003
There were at least 10 people I was intimate with by the time I was 10 years old. Some relatives, some females, some I was perfectly comfortable with (some were not so comfortable). Why does the fact that I was molested not seem to affect me?
When I was three years old, there was a man’s touch that I enjoyed, but it only happened once. For many years, I longed for him. Why is it that I have a love for him rather than a hate? How can I not be angry with him?
Why do I have the memory? Does he? If he does, I desperately want him to know that it is okay. He did not harm me – I feel as if he actually showed me love, care, compassion. That night in his bed is a good memory.
WTF is wrong with me?! How could I write/feel something so perverse? I was THREE YEARS OLD! Am I completely psychotic? Am I supposed to talk about this with someone?
If I ever feel led to say anything to anyone, I pray that I have the opportunity to tell him that it is okay. I would never want him to carry any burden about it…
This journal writing bothered me for quite some time. I didn’t understand. The whole thing was confusing to me. I wanted to know how I could be okay with someone wronging me in the worst possible way.
Soon after, I started to see a counselor for my depression. In March of 2004, I finally told her about the molestation and asked her all my questions. Her explanation was so very helpful to me. Her words brought me so much comfort and relief. She wasn’t able to answer all of my questions, but she brought enough closure to the issue that I have never looked back.
When a person is three-years-old, we are not mentally developed enough to know that sexual touch from an older person is wrong. If there is no physical pain involved, our bodies then associate a positive feeling with the incident. Only when we are older do we associate moral opinions with the incident (but yet still carry the positive physical feeling).
Because the touch was not painful, my body associated happy thoughts with intimacy. The fact that it happened again by someone else taught me that such activity was “common” or “acceptable,” “normal,” “okay.” This deleted the possibility that I would ever tell another adult, and so the molestations continued (and realize that sometimes, I was the aggressor).
The counselor went on to explain that when I was older, say 7 or 8, that I associated moral right or wrong and emotion with each incident. I re-created the memories to include whatever mentally developed thoughts I had. By that time, the repeated actions by others had ingrained in my mind that intimacy between two people – regardless of age or gender – was okay. Thus, deleting the possibility that I would ever tattle, and increasing my desire to have such intimate interactions with people.
There is NOTHING haywire with my brain. I am NOT psychotic! I just have a very different experience than most children who are molested.
http://www.childmolestationprevention.org/
Don’t misunderstand. There are side effects to my unique story. However, the side effects, I think, are of a completely different nature than most children who are molested. The most obvious of side effects is my ridiculous sex drive – seriously, like I could have relations with my husband four times a day if he was up for it. I believe this stems from my positive feeling associated with the first incident. I also place a LOT of importance on physical intimacy - much more than I should. I have a great fear of rejection, but only in regards to physical intimacy. Even so much as if my husband doesn’t kiss me the minute he sees me, I feel rejected. I know that my issues are still issues that I need to deal with. But truthfully, I think the abandonment by my father and the emotional abuse I suffered as a child had a much more lasting effect on my psyche than the fact that I was molested.
Thankfully, my counselor back in 2004 helped me see that I am not crazy. If you have dealt with molestation, please know I am sorry. But also know that there are a plethora of avenues to get help.
http://www.darkness2light.org/
Post Secret
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Patriot's Day 2009
I wish that I had written about my endeavors as a stepmom from the beginning, so you could see the differences in me, so you could feel the emotions I’ve felt, and so that maybe one day someone somewhere would learn from the experiences I’ve faced.
We just found out late last night that Adrienne (Brytin’s mom) received a continuance in her trial until September 11, 2009. This continuance is truly heart-wrenching. At its most basic level, the fact that nothing was decided yesterday keeps everything at the status quo for TWO MORE MONTHS.
This continuance means that Adrienne will continue living restricted to base for another two months. It means Brytin will only see his mom a couple times a week for the next month - and possibly even less once he starts kinder Aug 17th. It means that the relationships between her and Richard, her and Bryanna, and Brytin and Bryanna will continue to be strained. It also means that Adrienne’s hopes and efforts to prove herself a productive member of society were once again ignored by too many people. And all of these aspects regarding the continuance do not even begin to discuss her career, her housing, her DMV issues, nor her education. All of these items do not even begin to describe the long-term effects to her, Brytin or Bryanna.
The one blessing I can see as I write this is that her life will continue as she knows it - which means continued sobriety. Adrienne has been dry one week shy of five months – approximately 140 days. Continuing her life as she has known it these past five months will bring her to almost seven months sober. That’s close to 200 days! What an amazing victory for her!!!
God permits testing of our faith and loyalty (i.e. Eve with the apple, Abraham with his son, and Jesus in the desert after his forty-day fast). Whatever we go through, God intends to refine us – to make us more like His beautiful Son, Jesus Christ. What impurity is He trying to burn away in you? God tests us to bring out our best, whereas Satan tempts us to bring out our worst.
And now, her grandmother is dying. A woman she has often referred to as “the glue that holds everything together.” My heart breaks that she has to face another tragic circumstance in 2009. Chris did have an excellent point, however - MAYBE everything that Adrienne has been through since Feb 23, 2009 has been to prepare her to become the glue in her grandma’s absence. Lord knows, she is now sober, sane, strong and smart enough to help people. To take it one step further - maybe it has to do with her desire to be a psychologist. Maybe God saw that she could be an AMAZING psychologist, but she had to straighten out some stuff first?
Sometimes, I feel guilty that I have benefited from her circumstance...I have been greatly blessed with an amazing stepson whom I adore more than I ever thought possible.
I have also gained a great friend in Adrienne Broussard. A friend whom I cherish as an inspiration on so many levels. At first, of course, my mentality was completely different. But from conversations with my husband, my family, my friends, and with Brytin, I have a much better understanding of kindness, forgiveness, grace, love, peace, joy, and self-control. And I have Adrienne to thank for teaching me those lessons. I have Adrienne to thank for making me a better follower of Christ.
Praise be to God. His mercies abound! His willingness to grow His children is the most beautiful example of loving-kindness I can imagine. Every day we have the opportunity to make choices that will undoubtedly make Him smile. Adrienne Broussard has made HUNDREDS of those decisions over the past five months.
We just found out late last night that Adrienne (Brytin’s mom) received a continuance in her trial until September 11, 2009. This continuance is truly heart-wrenching. At its most basic level, the fact that nothing was decided yesterday keeps everything at the status quo for TWO MORE MONTHS.
This continuance means that Adrienne will continue living restricted to base for another two months. It means Brytin will only see his mom a couple times a week for the next month - and possibly even less once he starts kinder Aug 17th. It means that the relationships between her and Richard, her and Bryanna, and Brytin and Bryanna will continue to be strained. It also means that Adrienne’s hopes and efforts to prove herself a productive member of society were once again ignored by too many people. And all of these aspects regarding the continuance do not even begin to discuss her career, her housing, her DMV issues, nor her education. All of these items do not even begin to describe the long-term effects to her, Brytin or Bryanna.
The one blessing I can see as I write this is that her life will continue as she knows it - which means continued sobriety. Adrienne has been dry one week shy of five months – approximately 140 days. Continuing her life as she has known it these past five months will bring her to almost seven months sober. That’s close to 200 days! What an amazing victory for her!!!
God permits testing of our faith and loyalty (i.e. Eve with the apple, Abraham with his son, and Jesus in the desert after his forty-day fast). Whatever we go through, God intends to refine us – to make us more like His beautiful Son, Jesus Christ. What impurity is He trying to burn away in you? God tests us to bring out our best, whereas Satan tempts us to bring out our worst.
And now, her grandmother is dying. A woman she has often referred to as “the glue that holds everything together.” My heart breaks that she has to face another tragic circumstance in 2009. Chris did have an excellent point, however - MAYBE everything that Adrienne has been through since Feb 23, 2009 has been to prepare her to become the glue in her grandma’s absence. Lord knows, she is now sober, sane, strong and smart enough to help people. To take it one step further - maybe it has to do with her desire to be a psychologist. Maybe God saw that she could be an AMAZING psychologist, but she had to straighten out some stuff first?
Sometimes, I feel guilty that I have benefited from her circumstance...I have been greatly blessed with an amazing stepson whom I adore more than I ever thought possible.
I have also gained a great friend in Adrienne Broussard. A friend whom I cherish as an inspiration on so many levels. At first, of course, my mentality was completely different. But from conversations with my husband, my family, my friends, and with Brytin, I have a much better understanding of kindness, forgiveness, grace, love, peace, joy, and self-control. And I have Adrienne to thank for teaching me those lessons. I have Adrienne to thank for making me a better follower of Christ.
Praise be to God. His mercies abound! His willingness to grow His children is the most beautiful example of loving-kindness I can imagine. Every day we have the opportunity to make choices that will undoubtedly make Him smile. Adrienne Broussard has made HUNDREDS of those decisions over the past five months.
Saturday February 23, 2008
Nature vs. Nurture
Current mood:over it
Rick told Jess that for 7 years all he could think about in the silences of his world was "I need to bring my daughter home."
Jess asked him, "Did you ever once think that about Leslie?"
He matter-of-factly said, "No."
"Why? She's your daughter, too."
"Because she doesn't have the morals and values that you do."
And I cried. Not because there is a dillusional man and his family who are so wrong about me and don't care to correct their mindset. But because the man whom God chose to create me refuses to know me, to accept me and is so willing to believe the bad stuff, the lies.
I cry because the man whose blood runs through my veins is not a man who is worthy. I struggle with that today, because I've always given him the benefit of the doubt. Even last week, when Joe asked me "What kind of man is Rick?" I told him that to the best of knowledge, he is a stand-up guy. He has the best of intentions; he is just grossly misguided.
I dont know why, God, you have given me such a sunny disposition, such an infinite naivety. THREE times now this very week, my faith in people has been proven wrong. How am I so well-adjusted that I just let this stuff roll off my back? Seriously? Is it possible that I am just stuffing the emotion and will some day end up bitter? I don't think so. It is very easy for me to say, "Rick's loss," and accept the love of Mom, Brian, Jess, Joe, Chris, Amy, etc as more than enough to replace him. It's like you, God, My Heavenly Father, have filled the void created by that ridiculous man...
I cry because he is missing out. I cry because he is not living up to his God-given potential as a man, a father. I cry because, I am almost sure, You cry. He is a disappointment and I don't think You intended for him to be as such. I cry because it would seem as though Jesus is not in his heart...
And now I cry because I think of Brian...He did the best he could with what he had...And even though he's quite crazy and not always nice, he would never ever ever say that I am void of all moral character.
For many years, I was angry with him. Eventually, I got over it and accepted what the therapist said, "He did the best he could with what he had." And today, I feel as though I owe him a thank you, or an explanation, or credit...I'm assuming that from his perspective, he thinks I do not give him credit. He doesn't realize that I do, I have. Specifically, my thoughts are, "His methods were fucked up, but something he did was right, because I turned out to be an amazing woman. I love who I am, and I know Brian is a part of that."
I want him to know this. I want him to know I appreciate how much he adores my husband. It means so much to me that he was at our wedding.
I don't know if I have or ever will actually forgive him for the shit he has done, but the truth is, I have forgotten.
Lord, I thank you for all the beautiful people in my life today.
Current mood:over it
Rick told Jess that for 7 years all he could think about in the silences of his world was "I need to bring my daughter home."
Jess asked him, "Did you ever once think that about Leslie?"
He matter-of-factly said, "No."
"Why? She's your daughter, too."
"Because she doesn't have the morals and values that you do."
And I cried. Not because there is a dillusional man and his family who are so wrong about me and don't care to correct their mindset. But because the man whom God chose to create me refuses to know me, to accept me and is so willing to believe the bad stuff, the lies.
I cry because the man whose blood runs through my veins is not a man who is worthy. I struggle with that today, because I've always given him the benefit of the doubt. Even last week, when Joe asked me "What kind of man is Rick?" I told him that to the best of knowledge, he is a stand-up guy. He has the best of intentions; he is just grossly misguided.
I dont know why, God, you have given me such a sunny disposition, such an infinite naivety. THREE times now this very week, my faith in people has been proven wrong. How am I so well-adjusted that I just let this stuff roll off my back? Seriously? Is it possible that I am just stuffing the emotion and will some day end up bitter? I don't think so. It is very easy for me to say, "Rick's loss," and accept the love of Mom, Brian, Jess, Joe, Chris, Amy, etc as more than enough to replace him. It's like you, God, My Heavenly Father, have filled the void created by that ridiculous man...
I cry because he is missing out. I cry because he is not living up to his God-given potential as a man, a father. I cry because, I am almost sure, You cry. He is a disappointment and I don't think You intended for him to be as such. I cry because it would seem as though Jesus is not in his heart...
And now I cry because I think of Brian...He did the best he could with what he had...And even though he's quite crazy and not always nice, he would never ever ever say that I am void of all moral character.
For many years, I was angry with him. Eventually, I got over it and accepted what the therapist said, "He did the best he could with what he had." And today, I feel as though I owe him a thank you, or an explanation, or credit...I'm assuming that from his perspective, he thinks I do not give him credit. He doesn't realize that I do, I have. Specifically, my thoughts are, "His methods were fucked up, but something he did was right, because I turned out to be an amazing woman. I love who I am, and I know Brian is a part of that."
I want him to know this. I want him to know I appreciate how much he adores my husband. It means so much to me that he was at our wedding.
I don't know if I have or ever will actually forgive him for the shit he has done, but the truth is, I have forgotten.
Lord, I thank you for all the beautiful people in my life today.
Sunday December 3, 2006
70 x 7
Current mood: pensive
It is often quoted from Jesus that we are to forgive 70 x 7...Is that phrase taken out of context? What IS the correct application? When is it healthy and helpful to forgive? When is it only damaging to forgive? I would love others' insight on this one...
17 August 2008 UPDATE
Yesterday in the San Diego Union Tribune, there was an article extolling the physical health benefits of forgiveness. The article had some interesting quotes regarding forgiveness.
"Forgiveness is not about letting them off the hook. It's about continuing on with our journey. It frees up our soul, in a way. You let go of the anger."
-- Paul Livingston, victim of child molestation
"Forgivness doesn't mean excusing, forgetting or pretending that an offense never occurred. It doesn't imply that you trust the offender. Forgiveness is letting go of the bitter, grudging, vengeful feelings."
-- Julie Juola Exline, Professor of Psychology
"When you forgive a person, you are deciding to be freed."
-- Jim LaRue, father of brutally murdered daughter
"Forgiveness is what you do for yourself."
-- Imaculee Ilibagize, survivor of Rwandan genocide
The article talked about what most religious scholars have known for years...There are health benefits to forgiveness.
The beauty is that forgiveness is a process; it's not something you have to immediately do, just something you have to work towards.
The only part of the process the article mentioned was empathy. It said empathy for the offender is key to forgiveness. Once you can deduce why a person did something, you can begin to accept what they have done.
More information on Immaculee Ilibagiza
Current mood: pensive
It is often quoted from Jesus that we are to forgive 70 x 7...Is that phrase taken out of context? What IS the correct application? When is it healthy and helpful to forgive? When is it only damaging to forgive? I would love others' insight on this one...
17 August 2008 UPDATE
Yesterday in the San Diego Union Tribune, there was an article extolling the physical health benefits of forgiveness. The article had some interesting quotes regarding forgiveness.
"Forgiveness is not about letting them off the hook. It's about continuing on with our journey. It frees up our soul, in a way. You let go of the anger."
-- Paul Livingston, victim of child molestation
"Forgivness doesn't mean excusing, forgetting or pretending that an offense never occurred. It doesn't imply that you trust the offender. Forgiveness is letting go of the bitter, grudging, vengeful feelings."
-- Julie Juola Exline, Professor of Psychology
"When you forgive a person, you are deciding to be freed."
-- Jim LaRue, father of brutally murdered daughter
"Forgiveness is what you do for yourself."
-- Imaculee Ilibagize, survivor of Rwandan genocide
The article talked about what most religious scholars have known for years...There are health benefits to forgiveness.
The beauty is that forgiveness is a process; it's not something you have to immediately do, just something you have to work towards.
The only part of the process the article mentioned was empathy. It said empathy for the offender is key to forgiveness. Once you can deduce why a person did something, you can begin to accept what they have done.
More information on Immaculee Ilibagiza
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