Sunday, May 29, 2011

I Had a Dream

Last night I dreamt that Dae and I were visiting my sister. He said his first sentence "No one knows me here."

The dream was present day, he was a smidge older, but not yet a year. We were sitting outside, him on my lap, maybe by a bonfire. I asked him something, can't remember exactly what, but he responded with words - big words. Lots of them. "No one knows me here," he said, as he looked right into my eyes.

I said "Do you want to leave?" And he said, "Yes."

It's crazy that I dreamt about his first sentence. The fact that my sister was a character in the story complicates matters.

I don't often spend a lot of time thinking about my dreams. There are two from junior high that I remember vividly. There's one from my first marriage I remember. There's a couple I have written about. There are a few more from my pregnancy - my baby having chin-length wavy red hair, my baby getting kidnapped, and hearing my baby laughing during an ultrasound.

I've never dreamt about my sister before, but now I have - TWO nights in a row. I find it hard to believe that doesn't mean SOMETHING. What though?

The meaning of his first sentence, "no one knows me" is laced with multiple possibilities. Is he saying I should allow him to know his aunt? Or just stating a fact? Or is he implying that he doesn't like it that no one put forth effort to know him?

I got the impression that we'd been sitting there a loooong time and he was saying, "Look, we tried. We came. We put ourselves out there and not one person spent a significant amount of time talking to us. These people are not worth our time."

My relationship with my sister is complicated, and yet described so simply - there isn't one. And most likely, both of us are too hurt and jaded to make the first step to change it.

It's unfortunate for our children, because my sister and I have managed to follow in the footsteps of every single member of our family (BOTH sides). A family member pisses us off or hurts our feelings and we write them off, never to speak to them again.

When my sister and I were close, I believed we could break that viscious cycle. I had a dream that we would be lifelong friends...

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Big Picture

I cannot see the big picture.

I was watching another episode of House. In this episode, there was a patient who needed a kidney. Her girlfriend happened to be a match. Dr. Cameron, somehow, found out that the sick patient was planning to leave the girlfriend. Dr. Cameron spent most of the episode trying to convince the patient that she shouldn't accept a donation from the girlfriend she was planning to break up with.

Dr. Cameron often has morale issues on the show, but no one else on the team ever seems to care. In this particular episode, House was adamant that Cameron not tell the donor that she's donating a kidney to a partner who doesn't love her. House reasoned that their job is to keep their patient alive. If they didn't get the donation the patient would die. Cameron's argument was that the girlfriend deserved to know the whole truth prior to putting her life on the line.

I spent the episode sided with Cameron (as always). If the donor's motives were selfless, she would do it regardless. If not, then she really shouldn't be donating an organ anyway...

At the end of the episode, Dr. Cameron was sitting with the organ donor. The donor tells Dr. Cameron that she knows her girlfriend was thinking of leaving her. Surprised, Cameron said, "you donated your kidney anyway?" And the donor replies, "Now she'll never leave."

Her response threw me for a whirl. But it also reiterated to me one aspect of the Zen stuff I've been reading over the last year. Part of it says that we shouldn't judge anything as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative, because we can't see the future. We don't know how the whole story will play out, so we have no way of knowing whether a situation will have a positive or negative impact on our lives.

And like often happens, this Buddhist lesson perfectly complements Biblical truth. We cannot judge, because we are not omnipotent. Only God can see from A to Z and for us to prematurely judge something (or someone) good, bad, positive, negative, whatever, could potentially interrupt God's plan.

Monday, May 16, 2011

House's Mentality

I've watched a LOT of House since about my 7th month of pregnancy. In one episode, I actually learned something pretty profound...

In an explanation to his psychologist, House explained that he chose to stay miserable because it seemed 'fair' to him. At some point, he had caused someone pain, and so he had to feel equal pain.

His psychologist said, 'You are not God. Accept the circumstances as they are. Apoligize if you did wrong and then move on."

So...praise the Lord in good times and bad, but most importantly don't try to control something you are not in control of.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Follow-Up to "Know It All"

I stumbled upon this blog I wrote almost 4 years ago. In the blog, I recount some lessons I learned through out my mid twenties. At the end, I ponder what lessons I'll learn over the next 4-6 yrs.

The lessons I listed were quite profound, honestly, and I am thankful that God provided me the opportunities and the open-mind to learn those lessons.

But mostly, as I read those words, I felt like I was reading the words of a stranger! At first I thought it was cuz I hadn't learned anything profound about myself, or because I had stopped trying to learn anything profound about myself. Then I thought maybe it was age that caused the divide between Leslie of 2007 and Leslie of 2011.

And then I finally figured it out - I became a mom :) And not just to Daelen, but to Brytin, too. When we lived on OC, Brytin didn't stay with us but for a few days each month. But Since Feb 22, 2008, my days have been consumed with parent-type thoughts. How can I better handle this? Why is he doing that? How can Chris and I be a better team? What homework does he have this week?

And then I got pregnant and those thoughts quadrupled! I've spent almost a year now focused on all things baby. I read umpteen books learning all about babies and how best to do this that and the other. I contemplated how I would handle various situations. As a family, we discussed all the changes that would take place and how we could embrace them.

And now, as I reread those lessons I learned eons ago, I pray that my sons learn them thru me - earlier than I did.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Halliburton? Really?!

You'll notice on the right side of your screen that I added a new gadget to my blog: Popular Posts.

When I saw this new gadget, I was uber excited to find out just what my readers read! I even briefly contemplated whether I would write more of whatever it was to hopefully make my readers happy...

And then I saw that THIS is my most popular post. What a drag. Hopefully some of the researchers who stumble across my blog stick around to read a little of my emotion, my wit, my politics, my religion, my life...

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


Just realized baby can't go into pre-op room...which means Chris can't either. I may be strong, stronger than most of you realize, but I draw my strength from the family God has blessed me with. I do not gather strength by my damn self.

posted from Bloggeroid

Thursday, May 5, 2011


I don't write enough. I want to write everything everyday. For my sanity, for historical data, for insight. But alas there has been one thing or another keeping me from writing. First it was Farmville. Then carpal tunnel. And now its the baby attached to me 23 hrs of the day.

Thankfully I have a smartphone that has the Note Everything app that allows me to take notes. And I have the Bloggeroid app that allows me to post notes from Note Everything to my blogs. But I still don't do it often enough.

There is so much running through my mind everyday (kids, politics, religion, marriage, jokes, etc). I wish I could just sit and write it all out. I have been diligent in keeping a five-yr journal. (One or two sentences about each day.) I started it March 29, 2011. It will be interesting, I think, to read it in 2016.

I first saw a five-yr journal many moons ago. I instantly wanted it, but didn't buy it because it was $80. I still haven't bought one because the books on the market now are not as nice as the one I previously passed up...I keep it on my phone. This way I have access to it every night. About once a week, I email the note to myself for safe keeping.

Anyway, that's my lesson/rambling today...I don't write enough.

posted from Bloggeroid