Two Years in Kentucky

This week marks two years since our arrival here in the great state of KY.

Whenever I mark time, my first inclination is to always lament how much I haven't yet accomplished.

Today, however, I couldn't help but see the amazing feats we HAVE accomplished in a very short time.

Brytin has played two seasons of very successful football.
We have spent many hours in nature at various parkland in and around Louisville, looking at foliage, watching wildlife and throwing rocks into ponds.
Daelen and Brytin have learned to swim well and very much enjoy all waterplay.
We have completely changed our diet.
I have finally started losing some of that lingering baby weight.
Chris made First Class, solidifying our financial security for the next six years.
We have had a total paradigm shift regarding material things - what we want and what we need.
Our children have experienced a life entirely different from what they had previously encountered in SoCal.
We both have cars we absolutely love.
We have developed a fantastic plan for the next six years, that Lord-willing, will help us transition into Chris's retirement from the US Navy.
We have spent countless hours together, just the four of us, hanging out together, exploring our world, and strengthening our family unit.
I enrolled in college, and am about halfway to obtaining an Associate's Degree in Accounting.
For the first time in my life, I am donating money to causes I care about greatly.
We were able to support my sister-in-law at her bootcamp graduation in South Carolina.
I returned to work full-time with a job that is a perfect fit for me.
We've seen great cities like St Louis, Missouri and Cincinnati, Ohio and Santa Claus, Indiana. We even saw Leslie County, Kentucky :)

Our last two years have been a time of phenomenal skyrocketing growth - physically, emotionally, mentally and even spiritually.

One more year in Kentucky gives us just enough time to finish up a few things. I will finish my degree. We will pay off all our debts. Chris will ride in a racecar on a NASCAR track. Brytin will finish elementary school. Daelen will prepare himself for kindergarten. We will take a family vacation to relax and enjoy nature.

Our time in Kentucky has truly been some of the greatest years of my life.

posted from Bloggeroid

Easter 2014

Easter is just no big deal to me. I think it's the confusion between the bunny and Jesus. I think it is all the people who go to church this Sunday morning out of duty. I think it's the focus placed on candy and stuff. I think it's the human error in the celebrations of Lent and Passover and churches having Easter egg hunts. I think it's the culmination of all these things that makes Easter a non-issue on the holiday scale for me. My kids don't color eggs, they don't participate in egg hunts, they don't get buckets of candy, and we also don't go to church on Easter.

Make no mistake, I am a Christian. I love Jesus Christ with all my heart, soul, breath and strength.

But I do not go to church on Easter Sunday. No. I refuse.

Today, I think, I will make my family a healthy, energizing breakfast, and then we will go hiking...

Romans 1:20 "For since the Creation of the world, His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse."

posted from Bloggeroid

Mature Love Redeux

As I was preparing to write my husband a letter commemorating my love this sixth anniversary, I was reminded of a blog I posted many moons ago.

Mature Love was inspired by a book written by Robin L. Smith regarding the lies we believe about marriage.

I was new to the idea of true, real, healthy, responsible and respectful love. (And honestly, so was Chris.) But we wanted it.

It took many, many looooooooooooooong discussions, a lot of heartache, some knock-down, drag-out fights, some aging, and some experience, but I think, we've got it.

"[Mature Love is] day-to-day love. It's going to work everyday, cleaning the house every weekend and paying bills every month love. It's real love - with frustrations and conflict and real experiences."

This year, as I look to celebrate (tomorrow) the day I agreed to join TeamBroussard, I know that I have found true love. The kind of love that brings joy to the depths of your soul. The kind of love that lasts for a lifetime.

"Hey, Sailor!"

Heart on My Sleeve

I'm an emotional* person. Always have been. Histrionic** is how a psychologist described it once. If you know anything about a Scorpio***, you know what I mean. Extremely emotional - and in a pendulum swing kind of way. I lack the ability to be lukewarm, apathetic and/or neutral. I do not like anything - I either love it or hate it (and I mean capital L-O-V-E love or I'm gonna kick you in the neck, staple Bacon to your face and piss on your dog HATE). If you look up hyperbole in the dictionary, my picture is totally there.

(Un)fortunately, I am the same whether we are talking about inanimate objects, animals or human beings. If I love you, I would seriously kill for you****. Some people don't participate in relationships like I do - family, friend, lover, whatever - if I love you, you are a priority. Always.

I'm extreme. I know. I try to tone it down. I try to let folks breathe. I really don't mean to smother. (I'm sorry if I've ever smothered you.)

All this to say, when I think a person is cool or pretty or smart or righteous or brilliant or fantastic, I REALLY think they are cool or pretty or smart or righteous or brilliant or fantastic. I don't necessarily want to spend every waking minute with them, but I do want to soak up everything they've got. (Not steal it, just dissect it so I can learn more about the human psyche and possibly become a better person myself.) And I have no problem telling you I think you're coolest thing since sliced bread.

The reason I write all of this is to tell you that I get hurt easily. I wear my heart on my sleeve and often times it feels like it should be the stereotypical heart with a dagger through it. So often I feel rejected or abandoned and it crushes me. I pour my heart and soul into people and relationships and so often (it seems) I get shit on.

Fortunately (for you), I have no intention of changing. I will continue to give my everything to the the people I love, people I adore and people I think are just all-around "good eggs." So, consider yourself warned. If you show yourself to be awesome, I just might try to sit at your feet and soak up your awesomeness.

* I think my husband was uber excited today when my emotional outburst literally had nothing to do with him!

** Google, you never cease to amaze me. There is an actual disorder for histrionic people!

*** It is as if someone described a Scorpio woman to me when I was 2, and I said, "Okay, I can be that."

**** Seriously, I'll fucking kill her and take the rap and be totally cool with it, because I love you.

Another Stolen Quote

This time, I'm stealing a quote from Stacy (who copied it from a book). It brought tears to my eyes and I'd like to read and reread it often - like every time Chris makes me frustrated.

"You, my dear friend, will be a bride for one day, but you will, with God's grace and your very own hard work, be a wife to this man every day for the rest of your life. Being a bride is super-fun, but it pales in comparison to the thrill and beauty of being a part of one of the truly greatest partnerships. Make your love story one worth telling. Make it one worth living, every day, as long as you both shall live."

I love when she writes about marriage.

I Had a Dream

Last night I dreamt that Dae and I were visiting my sister. He said his first sentence "No one knows me here."

The dream was present day, he was a smidge older, but not yet a year. We were sitting outside, him on my lap, maybe by a bonfire. I asked him something, can't remember exactly what, but he responded with words - big words. Lots of them. "No one knows me here," he said, as he looked right into my eyes.

I said "Do you want to leave?" And he said, "Yes."

It's crazy that I dreamt about his first sentence. The fact that my sister was a character in the story complicates matters.

I don't often spend a lot of time thinking about my dreams. There are two from junior high that I remember vividly. There's one from my first marriage I remember. There's a couple I have written about. There are a few more from my pregnancy - my baby having chin-length wavy red hair, my baby getting kidnapped, and hearing my baby laughing during an ultrasound.

I've never dreamt about my sister before, but now I have - TWO nights in a row. I find it hard to believe that doesn't mean SOMETHING. What though?

The meaning of his first sentence, "no one knows me" is laced with multiple possibilities. Is he saying I should allow him to know his aunt? Or just stating a fact? Or is he implying that he doesn't like it that no one put forth effort to know him?

I got the impression that we'd been sitting there a loooong time and he was saying, "Look, we tried. We came. We put ourselves out there and not one person spent a significant amount of time talking to us. These people are not worth our time."

My relationship with my sister is complicated, and yet described so simply - there isn't one. And most likely, both of us are too hurt and jaded to make the first step to change it.

It's unfortunate for our children, because my sister and I have managed to follow in the footsteps of every single member of our family (BOTH sides). A family member pisses us off or hurts our feelings and we write them off, never to speak to them again.

When my sister and I were close, I believed we could break that viscious cycle. I had a dream that we would be lifelong friends...

Just Another Sunday Part Deux

Yesterday was again, Just Another Sunday.

Maybe next year...

Commitment

Some of you may not know this, but I have been divorced. I failed in my commitment to my first husband. Not from lack of effort, believe you me, but because I allowed myself to grow weary and tired. I refused to acknowledge the problems my ex-husband and I were having to anyone outside of the relationship and thus the communication between him and I failed - at every turn. There's 1,000 additional layers to that story, but at the bare bones of it all, I gave up.

I was very embarrassed by that fact for a long time - to the point where I had almost begun to forget that I was ever married before November 23, 2007.

However, I now believe that remembering the mistakes I made helps me to better understand the word "commitment."

I remember when my first husband and I were first married, I read an article in Relevant Magazine about "starter marriages" and thought it was the most absurd thing I'd ever read about. People getting married, then divorcing within five years and claiming they learned a lot about marriage, commitment, etc...It seems an oxymoron to learn about commitment through divorce, but I have to acknowledge, it happened in my life.

I swore up and down forever and ever that I would never ever ever get divorced. My parents were divorced and it was ugly and I wanted no part of it. I make no excuse for my choice to sin, please don't misread. Divorce IS ugly and should be avoided at all costs. I NEVER advocate for that choice - especially since I've been through it.

But it IS possible to learn about commitment through divorce.

But more than love it's about commitment. Because it doesn't matter how much you love someone if you're not committed to them.

Come hell or high water.

Love or hate.

Mountain top moments and deep, dark valleys.

Winning the lottery or declaring bankruptcy.

Perfect health or a fatal diagnosis.

Or just year after year after year of living life as two sinful people trying to love Jesus.

It's hard. Really hard. And that's why it's not about how you feel. It's not about your emotions. It's not about getting your needs met. It's about a commitment.

You made a commitment. You said I do, I will, I promise.

That means you change your career if you aren't seeing your spouse enough. You rearrange your life to make it work. You go see a therapist. You become authentic like you didn't know was possible. You ask someone to pray for you and your marriage.

You do whatever. it. takes.

He doesn't love Jesus? So what. You love Jesus with all that you are, follow hard after Him and pray to God that your husband might be won over by the godly behavior of his wife.

When divorce is off the table...when it's not even an option - it will change things. Communication and openness will reach a deeper level.

I read these words written on Valentine's Day by my friend, and they resonated in my soul. I feel them. I live them. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will never give up on being Christopher Broussard's wife.


If you learned that without having to go through a divorce first, I'm VERY VERY VERY happy for you. But I couldn't, and that's okay too.

"Forever" by Sarah Writes

I read this beautiful poem today and wanted to share it with anyone who would read it.

Forever My Friend

Where would Bonnie be without Clyde by her side?

What would have happened to the three amigos if one of them died?

What would be me if I never had you?

The only person I tell everything to.

The person I call on my best and my worst.

Whether I’m crying or laughing I think of you first.

There have been times when I’m stuck in more than a bind

But you have been there to save me from myself every time.

Without judgment, comment, or a condescending gaze.

You have always been there through my every ridicules’ faze.

You’re like a rock, and I’m like the wind.

You’re stronger than me, you have always been.

Your tougher, more stable, and wont me moved by my breeze.

By same unpredictable wind that has pushed everyone else away from me.

Gentle or fierce I can go off both ways, yet your strong foundation never sways.

You are loving, and caring honest and true

And if I’m in a fight I always count on you.

To be by my side, guns drawn left and right

Pointed at the opponents, even if you know there right.

I don’t thank God enough for putting you by my side

My forever best friend, even after I die.

In my world you’re Bonnie, and I guess that makes me Clyde.

:)

She has more awesome poems. Check 'em out!

L-O-V-E LOVE

Love is an emotion that combines compassion, trust, adoration and laughter into great big invisible package I give to someone else.

posted from Bloggeroid

Long Forgotten

I've written so much over the years, I often forget the really important stuff.

"I can only control myself. I cannot change my husband. I can only control my actions and responses. If Chris chooses to be a less than spectacular husband, he will have to live with that. When he is 80 years old, he will bear the burden of regret for the opportunities he chose to ignore. Not me. I can control my choices. I can choose to be an amazing wife every single day. I can joyfully take care of his home, his son, and his finances. If he chooses to be a schmuck, that is his loss. He loses out on the opportunity to be an amazing husband, but that does not change my opportunity to be an amazing wife."

I wrote that about a year ago. It was a part of a series I did - review of the book, "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It." I recommend rereading my series of blogs, and then buying the book and reading that, too!

Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV
Effective Communication (With links to some other really old blogs!)

A Third-Tri Hormonal Shift

A friend recently posted a great question: "How is Your Marriage?" It was a wonderful post that reminds us all that we need to show concern for others.

But, mostly, it reminded me of how truly amazing my husband is.

I mentioned previously, that my husband and I made the decision to forego depression medicine while I am with child.

I have continued with weekly therapy appointments, just to make sure someone is keeping an unbiased eye on my mental health - for my sake and my baby's. This week, my therapist and I agreed that meeting twice a week is probably going to need to occur for the remainder of this pregnancy.

This pregnancy has not been easy for me. I have enjoyed my pregnancy. It's been a wonderful experience for myself, my husband, my family and friends. But truthfully, it has been physically difficult. I am not used to being hindered in any form, so to be unable to write because my hands hurt, to be unable to sit because my ribs hurt, or to be unable to sit on the floor playing with my stepson because it is WAY to hard to get back up, is just, well, difficult for me emotionally. I have spent (probably WAY too much time and) energy lamenting the difficulties and berating myself for being "less than perfect."

My husband, however, has been such a trooper! He rubs my hands, he makes me lie down, he spends extra time with Brytin so he doesn't feel left out, and he tells me often how beautiful I am :)

And the last couple weeks...well, let me tell you, my husband deserves a medal.

You see, throughout a female's life, there are various hormonal shifts in her body and brain that prepare her for the next step. For example, when a girl is around 14, she begins this journey towards motherhood. Truthfully, it is based on societal circumstances of our cave-dwelling days. We never evolved away from needing a gaggle of women to help us raise our children. So when a girl is 14, she becomes UBER social with the subconscious intent of forming a network to help her when she births her child(ren). Please read the Female Brain. Seriously.

Anyway. I can't prove it either way, but I think that at the beginning of my third trimester, my brain had a hormonal shift towards protecting my connection with my husband AT ALL COSTS. In preparation for the onslaught of changes that will occur once the baby is born, my brain is hell-bent on making sure my marriage goes into that difficult time fully intact. In turn, I've become a little psycho...

I don't mean like Glenn Close boiling a rabbit psycho, I just mean we've been having more "issues" lately than I'd like. Even though I do not think he is wholly innocent in these situations, I can honestly say that my hormones have definitely contributed to my irrational outbursts.

Thankfully, I believe I've finally got a grip on it. Thankfully, my husband is an amazing man. Thankfully, I have friends and family (and a therapist) who are always willing to support us in any way they can.

People-Pleaser Checklist

Ever wondered if you are a people-pleaser? I found this people-pleaser checklist in "Be Happy Without Being Perfect" by Alice Domar.

1. I should always do what others want, expect or need from me.

2. I should take care of everyone around me whether they ask for help or not.

3. I should always listen to everyone's problems and try my best to solve them.

4. I should always be nice and never hurt anyone's feelings.

5. I should always put other people first, before me.

6. I should never say no to anyone who needs or requests something of me.

7. I should never disappoint anyone or let others down in any way.

8. I should always be happy and upbeat and never show any negative feelings to others.

9. I should always try to please other people and make them happy.

10. I should try never to burden others with my own needs or wants.

You may need to replace "other people" with "my husband" or "my mother" or my "best friend" or "my children" to get a firm grasp on your true situation.

The book suggests writing opposing statements to train your brain to start changing the behavior. For example, "I should always do what my mother wants, expects or needs" could be rewritten to say "I know that I do not always have to do what my mother wants, expects or needs from me. I can choose to give when and if i want to do so."

The One Thing That's Too Personal to Write About

Over my lifetime, I have written some very personal things on paper because that is how I have processed the emotions.

Over the past few years, I have published a LOT of those things on the Internet because I enjoy writing and sharing my writing.

Over the last couple months, however, the one thing I have not posted much about is my pregnancy.

I have been writing in a journal (when my carpal tunnel allows), but that journal is for my child to read someday.

The best that I can explain it, is that this pregnancy is MINE (and Chris's, of course). But I just don't want every little piece of information broadcast to the world. I do not put a lot of information on Facebook. I do not post my journal writings. I do not talk to anyone but Chris about my fears and joys and intimate moments with the baby.

I'm such an open book about every aspect of my life - my past, my marriage, being a stepparent, my extended family, my work history, whatever. If you have a question, I will answer it - sometimes even before you actually ask it.

But I guess, one of the quirky things that has happened during this pregnancy is that I am not interested in sharing these special moments with anyone but the father of my baby.

It might be superstition, "If I don't show the universe how excited I am, it won't take it away." There might be a little part of me that just cannot handle being inundated with advice and belly pats and opinions.

But my guess is that I just finally found something very personal and extremely sacred and my love and reverence and happiness is mine alone to enjoy.

The Best Laid Plans

"The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry." The famous line, translated to current English from Robert Burns' poem "To a Mouse," is expertly explained on Dictonary.com as meaning:

"No matter how carefully a project is planned, something may still go wrong with it."

As I learned this summer, God always has better plans. (That Freewill Reunion led to the bun in my oven!)

However, often times it sucks when our best laid plans falter. Rarely is it due to anything we did wrong or planned poorly. Sometimes, our plans just fail. Unfair as it may be, sometimes that is just the way it is. There is no rational justification - there is only 20/20 hindsight that maps the choices that led us to this disappointing moment. Unfortunately, hindsight is a tricky bastard that can lead us awry! We need to be careful that hindsight does not lead us to regret perfectly awesome decisions that just somehow did not work out in the end.

It sucks to watch a loved one's best laid plans falter. Especially when you can see that it was not due to poor decisions or faulty planning. It is just one of those unfair shitty life moments. It sucks to be helpless to fix it. It sucks to be only able to say, "Wow. That sucks." Especially when it is someone you really love who truly had perfect plans and some outside force just swoops in and goes Katrina all over their lives. Especially when it is someone you really love who is a really good planner who had really great plans that just spontaneously combusted and the remains have the potential to cause irreversible physical, emotional and spiritual damage on peoples' lives.

How do you lovingly encourage someone through that without sounding like you are down-playing it or worse yet, overreacting? How do you help someone without sounding like you are being condescending or even worse, pitying them? How do you shrug it off and lament with them, all the while encouraging them to find a better solution than the present - knowing full-well that the PERFECT plan is no longer an option? How do you guide a heartbroken individual to a place where they not only accept the hand they have so rudely been dealt but actually convince them to embrace it with doe-eyed optimism, mindful excitement and even curiousity?

Articles on HubPages

I have been writing in a journal ever since I was a in third grade. I have always enjoyed writing. In high school, that writing bug blossomed from horrible attempts at fiction, to commentary - non-fiction pieces that (hopefully) provide some insight about something you care about.

Back in the MySpace days, I wrote my first ever "blog." Chris and I were breaking up after six weeks of falling in love...

Over the next three years, I wrote occassionally. (Like five days later when Chris and I got back together!) Nothing consistent, and nothing ground-breaking. But at the same time, I wrote blogs that caused people to feel what I felt, learn what I learned and see what I saw. A lot of those Myspace blogs are difficult for me to read, because they are very emotion-filled about MY life. I can still see myself sitting at the computer crying about whatever, and writing my little heart out.

But, I saved them. I moved them to Blogger, because I figured I wouldn't be visiting MySpace much. Thus, in August 2009, the blog "Exercises in Writing" was born. I had always intended to write more, to write better, but sometimes life gets in the way. (See Our Two-Wheeled Adventure and Elementary Escapades for evidence!)

The same month, I stumbled upon HubPages.com. This website intends to be a source of information (like Wiki), but a writer's community, and at the same time a portal for blogs. Make no mistake, I have no ideas of grandeur about my writing "career." I write for me, I write for you, and if a stranger happens upon it - and learns something, sweet.

I more than likely will never write the book I always wanted to. I more than likely will never be a journalist. I more than likely will never be a world-renowned blogger. I'm okay with that :) I'm a wife, a stay-at-home-parent, a biker, a Christian, a daughter, a really great bargain hunter and a friend. Isn't that enough?!

So, all that to tell you that there are some articles I wrote on HubPages, that I think are pretty gosh darn awesome. Unfortunately, they did not get read much. I'll post them here for you to read at your leisure ;)

I hope you have an awesome day.

My favorite Hub articles:

America: Land of the Free?
Barack Obama: Nobel Laureate 2009
Gavin Newsom and Keith Bardwell: Heroes or Villains?

And finally, the article I wrote yesterday:
Voting Dress Code First Step in Restoring Respect

Vicky Gray Deaton's Note Regarding Marriage

I have no idea where Vicky Gray Deaton got this note. I do not know if she wrote it, or if it happened to someone she knows or if it was just an email forward she received. I do not know. My intent is not to steal it or take credit for it. I did not write this. However, I want you to read it. I want you to learn so many things from it. I want you to feel how the husband, the wife, the son AND the mistress felt. I want you to get a more clear picture of human interaction, human emotion and the human condition...Will you achieve all of these goals I have for you? I do not know, but I PRAY that you at least try.

MARRIAGE...A MUST READ! Saturday, July 17, 2010 at 7:03pm

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

Freewill Reunion

Today is bittersweet for me. I don't use that word often, but today it is the most appropriate.

Bitter because I am not with my mom, family and friends in Minnesota. Bitter because I did not get to take an additional road trip with my mom. Bitter because my BFF's baby is moving in her belly and I will probably not get to ever rub her pregnant belly. I have refrained from thinking about the bitter parts of this change in summer plans because it means there are so many people I did not see, so many things I did not do...

But oh so sweet, because in like 24 hours, I will have a beautiful reunion with my husband in Honolulu. A honeymoon. A time of rest and relaxation. A renewal of the mind, body and spirit. A uniting of two to one. I haven't written much about his absence for two reasons: 1. I am absurdly blessed as a military wife (I never want to seem like a whiny brat) and 2. It was too painful to put into words.


He left June 14th aboard the Bonhomme Richard (LHD 6) from the 32nd street pier. My mom and I chased his boat around the San Diego Baby :)


His ship then was scheduled to be in Oceanside until the 17th.

Mom, Brytin and I drove up and down the coast Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday looking for his ship...

We finally saw it Wednesday as the skies cleared. I cried tears of joy! I hadn't spoken to him since Monday around 1300 and I was losing my mind. Even though the ship was about 7 miles out to sea, even though I couldn't see him or even know for sure if it was his ship, I felt instant relief.

Anyway, all that to say that tomorrow at 8:58, I will have Honolulu in my sights. By 9:15, I will be in my husband's arms for the first time in 17 days. I know that in comparison to many military couples, I am greatly blessed to only be separated from my spouse for 17 days. Unfortunately, that fact alone doesn't make it any easier to deal with the lonely moments, the little things that are missing in his absence, the inability to know exactly how his day went...We have never been separated this long in our four years together, and never ever ever went more than 12 hours without speaking (while he was sailing to Hawaii, there was no communication - June 14th to June 24th).

I am so thankful that God has blessed me with this amazing opportunity - to see my husband, to visit Hawaii, and a time of separation that brought us unfathomably closer together.

A friend (LB) made an interesting comment today...God never tells us what choice to make (Free Will), but He always lets us know when we are making the wrong choice.

My mind is too jumbled with travel details to bring those two points together...but there is a connection...Maybe just that despite our financial situation, God provided a way for me to travel to Hawaii? Despite all that Chris and I have been through, God found it necessary to (finally) convince my husband that I am worth more than rubies (Proverbs 31:10). Despite my "best laid plans," God had better plans in mind.

My Love

Yesterday was the four-year anniversary of the day I met my husband. It is also the anniversary of the day the Supreme Court said that it could not be deemed illegal for two different races to marry.

I've always found it beautifully coincidental that my husband and I met on Loving Day.

Tonight, my husband and I were separated by the military for the first time in our four years together. I know that I am greatly blessed to have been a military wife for so long and not have to suffer long deployments, repeated deployments and worse(like the majority of military wives).

However, that fact doesn't make it any easier to say "Good-bye" for the first time.



Enjoy this blog? Look for others of similar topic:

No Joke
Ramblings of My Love
Cherish
My Man

blah blah blah

I have so much to write about, but at the same time, I have nothing to write about. I try to write meaningful posts and I try to remember that this is not a personal diary.

I read an article about another marriage book. The article was an interview of the authors, and had something I wanted to share with you. Unfortunately my husband threw away the article. LMAO

I will be spending some time in Minnesota this summer because my husband is being sent out to sea for six weeks and my son is going to Missouri.

We got a puppy.

My mom will be here in seven days!!!