I am Not Broken Like I Used to Be

I read this book recently about the tales of a crack addict. The tales of well-educated, successful young gent who chose crack over all else for a long time. There was a point in the book when he had copious amounts of crack in his hotel room and he had jugs of vodka and he had a bottle of pills he intended to consume. And when reading this sordid account of a well-educated, successful young gent's untimely demise, I had an epiphany.

I'm not broken like I used to be.
I'm not broken at all, actually.
I used to be, though.
A terrible mess, really.
I'm not broken like I once was.
I'm light and free and punch drunk love.
I still get tweaky and squeaky and scared,
But He calms me and I know I'm spared.
I'm not broken.
I'm repaired.

By the grace of God, I'm not broken like I used to be.

And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my grace comes in the form of Christopher David Broussard. A line from the same book put it all together for me.

“...he loved me…knowing what he knew, seeing what he’d seen, putting up with what he chose to put up with, he was the only one who ever could. The question I never asked was why.”

God gave me the gift of Christopher's love, because I needed real-life unconditional love in order to truly understand that I am forgiven. And I guess, I picked up that random crack addict story while perusing the bargain bin, because God wanted me to see that I am not broken like I used to be.

Grace.

2011 was a year full of grace.

I didn't write about it as much as I wanted to, but that is sort of inherent in the whole "grace" mantra.

I gave myself grace as a first-time mom of an infant with a stepson who had never before had to share my attention. I extended grace to people who needed it, and I asked for it when I needed it.

Last night, I was reminded of my year of grace when I heard this quote by St. Augustine:

"God gives where He finds empty hands..."

I have a 10-page journal entry I wrote about a lyric that I heard in church recently: "Your love is deeper than my view of grace."

It starts out, "I love grace. It is one of my most favorite attributes of God. Grace, favor and mercy." And then I spent a week trying to define grace. However, before I could form my ramblings into something post-worthy, I realized that defining grace was the opposite of the point.

One of the first ever Christian songs I loved went, "I've exhausted every possible solution. I've tried every game there is play...your grace is sufficient for me."

I must come to Him with empty hands, because nothing I can bring is worth a damn. No fancy combination of words can define His gift to me. His grace is sufficient.

LIBERATED!

Remember my word of the year? (Hint: starts with a "G," rhymes with "race." LOL)

Well let me tell you - today, that grace has led to a feeling of liberation!

I set the goal of a book a week, and I had a plan for January (for at least the first three books).

Today, however, I returned two of them to the library. (GASP!) Why? Because I don't WANT to read them!

"Mindful Motherhood" had an amazing introduction that talked all about being a zen-like mommy - calm, cool, collected and present (or mindful). The introduction roped me in.

"When you get more comfortable with the fact that everything is always changing, you begin to pay more attention to riding the waves of life rather than struggling against or trying to control them."

I NEEDED to be that kind of momma for Baby B.

I finished reading "What Mothers Do," on Jan 15 and immediately began "Mindful Motherhood."

Interestingly, mindfulness (aka Zen) book brings much anxiety and negative thought about motherhood compared to "What Mothers Do."

When reading Naomi's book, I felt capable, understood, almost revered for the challenges I am about to face. Mindfulness book, thus far, recounts extremely negative situations and then tells you to accept them as they are. (I.E. a screaming baby in a grocery store, a screaming baby on an airplane, or a screaming baby at home.)

I know that those situations exist, and I know that I will have to face them, but the author just didn't present them in a way that made me believe I could handle them in a calm, cool or collected manner. So I ditched the book halfway through.

The second book I was liberated from in this year of grace, was "No One's the Bitch." Like I said previously, I was initially excited to read it, because I felt like it would help me develop a better attitude about the mother of my stepson and hopefully encourage me to extend an olive branch...

However, throughout the introduction, I kept thinking to myself, "I really don't care." My stepson is well taken care of by his three parents, regardless of the fact that his mommy and stepmom have barely exchanged three sentences in a year and a half. Sure, the situation could be better, but it doesn't have to be, and I am not interested at this stage of my life to put forth any effort to change it. So, I returned the book.

LIBERATED!

The Year of Grace

A blogger recently posed the question, "What is my word for 2011?" I think 2011 is the year of grace.

My friend allowed herself to cry over hot dogs. My other friend owned up to her complete and total failure of a "vegan detox."

And me, well, my only goal was a book per week. 11 days into the year, and I'm still on book 1. But I'm totally okay with it. Its a dense book. Ive learned more than I ever expected. I dont want to rush thru it for the sake of some lofty goal. Yes, 2011 is destined to be the year I give myself some grace.

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