Tuesday September 23, 2008

Miss
Current mood: pensive
I have an impeccable memory. There are few dates, names, and experiences I cannot recall in the past 29 years. Every moment of the day I am reminded of a previous experience or previous friendship/relationship or even current ones. Sometimes, I miss previous friends, previous locations, previous experiences more than words could ever express. But sometimes, I am so thankful that that friend, location and/or experience has passed.
I am an exceptionally emotional person. Somedays, it's a gift. Somedays, it's torture. When I missing someone, I wish the emotional side of me would just wither away. When I miss someone, it physically hurts my heart. It consumes my brain.
I haven't always been a great friend or daughter or wife, but each day that passes I get better at all those relationships. I get better because I don't like the feelings of sorrow I feel for the way I were. In my lifetime, I have hurt so many people. By the grace of God, each morning I get the chance to start anew. I get the chance to create "happy memories." I get the chance to live out a day with no regrets. I fail miserably most days, but sometimes, I succeed. Sometimes, I am the greatest friend, daughter, wife a person could ever have in their life.
However, those days of pinnacle relating bring with them great sorrow for the days I screw up. I know my potential, so why do I fall so short? I could be better, I could be smarter, I could - but I don't. I could change the fucking world! But I don't. Instead, I live out my day-to-day life trying to make "happy memories" for those whose paths I cross.
Sometimes, I wish I could empty my brain of all the memories so that I am not constantly berating myself for my failures. Somteimes, I wish I could keep my memories, but erase everyone else's sour memories of Leslie Galster/Ptak/Broussard.
Every day that passes, I feel more and more like I am wasting days/minutes/hours. I try to live each day to its full potential, or at least appreciating every small joy. But as each week passes, I wonder if I couldn't being doing more.
What I am really trying to get at, is that there are paths I've crossed that I haven't had an impact on - or at least the impact I'd like to have. Thankfully, when it's all said and done, my impact on other's lives is entirely in God's control...