Thursday September 6, 2007

Know it all...
Current mood: embarrassed
Reconnecting with an old friend this week reminded me of a time when I thought I knew it all...The circumstances of my life were completely different than they are today. I was like 22 or 23 or 24 (maybe I was 22 AND 23 AND 24). I was actively involved in a house church. I was intimate with Jesus. I read my Bible daily. I didn't watch R-rated movies or listen to "empty" music. I had a very tight group of friends. I was honestly trying to make my marriage happy, and believed that with God it was possible. I worked very hard at my job (like I was doing it for God). My living quarters were sufficiently comfortable. My bank account had enough to give a little bit to others. All was good. I really thought I had it all figured out.
In that mindset, I ostracized a lot of people. I spewed my one-sided opinions at people I cared about and hurt them (friends, family, co-workers - no one was neglected). My intentions were good, don't get me wrong. I genuinely wanted everyone to be as together as I was...It is fascinating to me to think back and see who I was. In my old age, I have learned so much more than I THOUGHT I knew.
Humility is a wonderful trait to possess. It prevents a LOT of foot-in-mouth bullshit.
A sense of my own mortality and a realization of the lack of omnipotence. I am not infinitely bigger than ANYONE.
A better understanding of how my actions, words, even my thoughts affect others.
Never ever ever say "never." God is bigger than any testament you can make.
And the most important, I think - no matter how intelligent I may be, no matter how magnetic my memory may be, I DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING. Nor do I know what is best for everyone who crosses my path.
I don't know that it was the crumbling of my marriage or my own separation from God or even something else that changed my opinions. I know that there are some people who stuck by me through that awful stage in my life (and the few relapses I've had), and I am forever greatful. I know that there are people in my life today that are wonderful examples of who I WANT to be, and I hope to do them proud. I know that I am glad my previous mindset no longer pervades my daily life.
I wonder, in 4 to 6 years, what will I think about my mindset today?