I ADORE my husband (WAY more than I should).
I do not have a college degree.
I am a Christian.
Some facts are better left as secrets.
I LOVE to play pool.
Seth David Fisher broke my heart in the 7th grade.
When my parents were out of town one weekend, I allowed some friends to borrow their motor home.
I was abandoned by my father at like 6 months old, and then rejected by him in my 20s.
I am a divorcee.
The constellations Orion and the Big Dipper remind me of significant events in my life.
I suffered from a miscarriage in January 2007.
I am hoping Brytin’s year in kindergarten will help me decide if I want to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think that I have a “chemical imbalance.”
I used to earn almost $25/hour.
My uncle lied to me one too many times.
I drink a LOT of coffee and barely any water.
I once ratted out a friend to save my own ass.
I do not WANT to quit smoking.
I slept with a married man (before I was married).
I am not at all confident.
I am a stay-at-home stepmother.
I feel as though I let a lot of people down in my short life.
My grandmother lives a few hours away from me, but I haven’t seen her in three years.
I miss Kristen Sue Stich.
I’ve been married in Vegas - twice.
I have more debts than four families should have.
I have never lived up to my potential.
I have a rage deep inside that no one has ever seen.
I am scared to death of inheriting rheumatoid arthritis.
I ride a motorcycle.
I hate only one person on this earth.
I used to snort a lot of crystal meth.
I swear too much.
I live in a manufactured home.
I had an abortion the summer before my sophomore year.
I long to be the wisest person you know.
I am really good friends with my husband’s ex-wife.
No one close to me has died (knock on wood).
I love to cook and knit and garden and read.
I wish I could do eighth grade all over again.
http://www.postsecret.com/
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
New Book
So, I got this new book…and I think it is going to radically change my marriage.
I read this article on MSN last week about how I am actually hurting my marriage by insisting that Chris and I talk about feelings. What if that is true? What if it isn’t some hooey made up by a guy who just wanted his wife to shut up?
According to some psychotherapists (one male and one female), talking actually makes situations WORSE. We all know that men and women are wired differently, and over the years we have come to accept this and even have done our best to work with the differences. This article, however, pointed out a difference that I had never quite understood before:
“If there's a conflict, girls and women want to talk about it. Boys and men, however, need to pull away. A man's greatest suffering,” psychotherapist Stosny says, “comes from the shame he feels when he doesn't measure up—which is why discussing relationship problems (i.e., what he's doing wrong) offers about as much comfort as sleeping on a bed of nails.”
Chris has actually said that to me before - that when I talk to him about my feelings, he just feels shitty, and thus shuts down. Men don’t seem to process the information we share as “helpful strategies for making your wife happy.” They just feel like they screwed up and might as well give up.
So, I bought the book, “how to improve your marriage without talking about it” by Patrice Love and Steven Stosny
I’m not entirely sure that it is going to tell me anything new (the article went on to say that ‘positive reinforcement works wonders – bullshit). I do think the book is going to present information in a new way.
I also think that reading the book will make me more aware of Chris’s perspective. For example, this is my “girl week.” I am typically very hormonal, very emotional, very easily pushed into tears and hopelessness. However, it didn’t happen like that this week. Every time I felt emotion creeping up to ruin our day, I thought, “Please don’t make your marriage worse today. Please don’t make Chris feel like a shitty husband today.” And you know what? Last night, Chris was extra super duper happy when he asked, “Hey, where’s the emotional stuff?” And I said, “That time has passed.”
I read this article on MSN last week about how I am actually hurting my marriage by insisting that Chris and I talk about feelings. What if that is true? What if it isn’t some hooey made up by a guy who just wanted his wife to shut up?
According to some psychotherapists (one male and one female), talking actually makes situations WORSE. We all know that men and women are wired differently, and over the years we have come to accept this and even have done our best to work with the differences. This article, however, pointed out a difference that I had never quite understood before:
“If there's a conflict, girls and women want to talk about it. Boys and men, however, need to pull away. A man's greatest suffering,” psychotherapist Stosny says, “comes from the shame he feels when he doesn't measure up—which is why discussing relationship problems (i.e., what he's doing wrong) offers about as much comfort as sleeping on a bed of nails.”
Chris has actually said that to me before - that when I talk to him about my feelings, he just feels shitty, and thus shuts down. Men don’t seem to process the information we share as “helpful strategies for making your wife happy.” They just feel like they screwed up and might as well give up.
So, I bought the book, “how to improve your marriage without talking about it” by Patrice Love and Steven Stosny
I’m not entirely sure that it is going to tell me anything new (the article went on to say that ‘positive reinforcement works wonders – bullshit). I do think the book is going to present information in a new way.
I also think that reading the book will make me more aware of Chris’s perspective. For example, this is my “girl week.” I am typically very hormonal, very emotional, very easily pushed into tears and hopelessness. However, it didn’t happen like that this week. Every time I felt emotion creeping up to ruin our day, I thought, “Please don’t make your marriage worse today. Please don’t make Chris feel like a shitty husband today.” And you know what? Last night, Chris was extra super duper happy when he asked, “Hey, where’s the emotional stuff?” And I said, “That time has passed.”
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Stepmother
I was created to be a stepmom.
Quickly after Chris and I were married, I realized this fact. I forgot it for while. Recent times have been tough – my fuse exceptionally short, Brytin willingly admitting he “doesn’t WANT to listen,” and the pressure I put on myself to be an awesome stay-at-home stepmom. But alas, my purpose in this world is quite apparent. I was reading a friend’s blog, and she was talking about what a pain it is to be awaken by her 9-mo-old so early before her body is ready to get out of bed; and she jolted me back to reality when she then pointed out what a blessing it is to have a child to wake up to. She wrote, “Seeing you is worth getting out of bed for…every single morning.” Ps 127:3 “Children are a gift of the Lord.”
Feb 16, 2008
I gained some interesting clarity today…Apparently, God has a very special purpose for me in this world. I am a stepmother. In the grand scheme of things, I am to Brytin what Lynn was to Jess. I am to Brytin what Brian was to me. I feel like God has gifted me the opportunity to right all the wrongs in my dysfunctional family by fulfilling my role as stepmom to Brytin. With grace, prayer, discernment, patience and love, Brytin WILL have a great childhood.
I NEVER thought I’d be a stepmom. I broke up with an ex-boyfriend for that very reason. I even told my sister one time that I can’t believe she is was willing to put herself in that position. After all we had been through at the hands of our steps (and probably put them through), how could she even consider it an option?
And then I met Brytin. I forgot all about my trepidation into step-parenthood. It obviously helps that I am head over heels crazy about his dad ;) But seriously, Brytin is so amazing; I don’t think I could be anyone else’s stepmom. He is so smart and so cute and so respectful and so interested in learning. He makes every day a fun adventure.
In my head, “step” has such a negative, disgusting connotation. I wish there was another title. Well, actually, there is…Brytin thinks “Leslie” is my title. HaHa He refers to me as “his Leslie” just like he would “his daddy or mommy.” It’s pretty cute.
I hope that my actions towards Brytin and his mother will be a “step” towards improving the world’s view of stepmothers.
Quickly after Chris and I were married, I realized this fact. I forgot it for while. Recent times have been tough – my fuse exceptionally short, Brytin willingly admitting he “doesn’t WANT to listen,” and the pressure I put on myself to be an awesome stay-at-home stepmom. But alas, my purpose in this world is quite apparent. I was reading a friend’s blog, and she was talking about what a pain it is to be awaken by her 9-mo-old so early before her body is ready to get out of bed; and she jolted me back to reality when she then pointed out what a blessing it is to have a child to wake up to. She wrote, “Seeing you is worth getting out of bed for…every single morning.” Ps 127:3 “Children are a gift of the Lord.”
Feb 16, 2008
I gained some interesting clarity today…Apparently, God has a very special purpose for me in this world. I am a stepmother. In the grand scheme of things, I am to Brytin what Lynn was to Jess. I am to Brytin what Brian was to me. I feel like God has gifted me the opportunity to right all the wrongs in my dysfunctional family by fulfilling my role as stepmom to Brytin. With grace, prayer, discernment, patience and love, Brytin WILL have a great childhood.
I NEVER thought I’d be a stepmom. I broke up with an ex-boyfriend for that very reason. I even told my sister one time that I can’t believe she is was willing to put herself in that position. After all we had been through at the hands of our steps (and probably put them through), how could she even consider it an option?
And then I met Brytin. I forgot all about my trepidation into step-parenthood. It obviously helps that I am head over heels crazy about his dad ;) But seriously, Brytin is so amazing; I don’t think I could be anyone else’s stepmom. He is so smart and so cute and so respectful and so interested in learning. He makes every day a fun adventure.
In my head, “step” has such a negative, disgusting connotation. I wish there was another title. Well, actually, there is…Brytin thinks “Leslie” is my title. HaHa He refers to me as “his Leslie” just like he would “his daddy or mommy.” It’s pretty cute.
I hope that my actions towards Brytin and his mother will be a “step” towards improving the world’s view of stepmothers.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
My Internal Struggle
I have so many things I want to write about - my history, my world, my thoughts, funny things, sad things. I have so much in my mind that I want to get out - my hopes, dreams, heartaches and pleasures. I have knowledge through experiences that I want to record in hopes that someone, somewhere will learn something. But alas, as I sit here now, nothing profound comes to me. No inspirational, relevant message for anyone, anywhere.
I feel as though I meander through this life - sometimes amazing, sometimes average, sometimes ecstatic, sometimes melancholy. Where is it all leading? Where am I going? What impact am I having? I cook, I clean, I converse, I do my best to make everyone I meet comfortable and happy. I try to give them a life of peace, joy and love. Am I successful? Only time will tell. Does the effort I've put into writing actually help anyone? Only time will tell. Is my life fulfilling, meaningful? Only time will tell. I know that on a day-to-day basis, I am filled with love for those around me (and those far away).
I know I go to sleep satisfied with the events of the day, filled with thanksgiving and happiness. But I also have a desire to achieve more. Very rarely am I truly content - what am I reaching for? Do others feel this way? Do others battle the fine line between pleasure in the present and a drive to continually progress towards better? How can I reconcile the ideas of contentedness versus stagnation?
Whenever I spend too long thinking about this internal struggle, I force myself to remember “The Dash.” It is a great poem written by Linda Ellis in 1996.
I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone from the beginning to the end.
He noted that first came the date of her birth and spoke of the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.
For that dash represents all the time that she spent alive on earth...
And now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not, how much we own; the cars...the house...the cash.
What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.
So think about this long and hard ... are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left. (You could be at "dash mid-range")
If we could just slow down enough to consider what's true and real,
And always try to understand the way other people feel.
And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more,
And love the people in our lives like we've never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile...
Remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.
So, when your eulogy's being read with your life's actions to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say about how you spend your dash??
Saturday, July 25, 2009
The strength of women
The female species is truly miraculous. Countless women I know have dealt with issues that no human should ever have to consider to be a reality. And every time they come out STRONGER.
Molestation, rejection, abandonment, abuse, infidelity, death - all circumstances I would not wish on my worst enemy. But women I know and love face them every day. And even more remarkable, women can handle the good stuff too - motherhood, success, wealth, birthdays. Women have the ability to grieve and to celebrate. That's an impressive spectrum of emotions.
Don't get me wrong - I am NOT the one you hear shouting "I am woman hear me roar!" I am not all about girl power and I do not think women are any better than men. I was just thinking about my mother, my sister, my friends Stacy and Candice and so many others who have faced horrible realities and managed to do it with grace and dignity and who have grown through their heartache, their pain, their trials and even their greatest successes.
Women are resilient. Women are smart and beautiful. Women are fucking amazing!
My husband gave me a plaque entitled "The Navy Wife." It's a brilliant story of God's work in creating the women who support the men who serve. However, I think that the overall message applies to MOST women - regardless of their life's calling.
*******
The Navy Wife
The good Lord was creating a model for Navy wives and was into his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared. She said, "Lord, you seem to be having a lot of trouble with this one. What's wrong with the standard model?"
The Lord replied, "Have you seen the specs on this order? She has to be completely independent, possess the qualities of both father and mother, be a perfect hostess to four or forty with an hour's notice, run on black coffee, handle every emergency imaginable without a manual, be able to carry on cheerfully, even if she is pregnant and has the flu and she must be willing to move to a new location ten times in seventeen years. And oh, yes, she must have six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head, "Six pairs of hands? No way."
The Lord continued, "Don't worry; we will make other Navy wives to help her. And we will give her an unusually strong heart so it can swell with pride in her husband's achievements, sustain the pain of separations, beat soundly when it is overworked and tired, and be large enough to say, 'I understand' when she doesn't, and say 'I love you' regardless."
"Lord," said the angel, "God to bed and get some rest. You can finish tomorrow."
"I can't stop now," the Lord said, "I am so close to creating something unique. Already this model heals herself when she is sick, can put up six unexpected guests for the weekend, wave goodbye to her husband from a pier, a runway, or a depot and understand why it's important that he leave."
The angel circled the model of the Navy wife, looked at it closely and sighed, "It looks fine, but it is soft."
"She might look soft," replied the Lord, "but she has the strength of a lion. You would not believe what she can endure."
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the Lord's creation. "There's a leak," she announced, "Something is wrong with the construction. I am not surprised that it has cracked. You are trying to put too much into this model."
The Lord appeared offended at the angel's lack of confidence. "What you see is not a leak," He said. "It is a tear."
"A tear? What is it there for?" asked the angel.
The Lord replied, "It's for joy, sadness, pain, disappointment, loneliness, pride, and dedication to all the valued that she and her husband hold dear."
"You are a genius!" exclaimed the angel.
The Lord looked puzzled and replied, "I didn't put it there."
*******
To any woman who ever reads this - I am proud of you.
Molestation, rejection, abandonment, abuse, infidelity, death - all circumstances I would not wish on my worst enemy. But women I know and love face them every day. And even more remarkable, women can handle the good stuff too - motherhood, success, wealth, birthdays. Women have the ability to grieve and to celebrate. That's an impressive spectrum of emotions.
Don't get me wrong - I am NOT the one you hear shouting "I am woman hear me roar!" I am not all about girl power and I do not think women are any better than men. I was just thinking about my mother, my sister, my friends Stacy and Candice and so many others who have faced horrible realities and managed to do it with grace and dignity and who have grown through their heartache, their pain, their trials and even their greatest successes.
Women are resilient. Women are smart and beautiful. Women are fucking amazing!
My husband gave me a plaque entitled "The Navy Wife." It's a brilliant story of God's work in creating the women who support the men who serve. However, I think that the overall message applies to MOST women - regardless of their life's calling.
*******
The Navy Wife
The good Lord was creating a model for Navy wives and was into his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared. She said, "Lord, you seem to be having a lot of trouble with this one. What's wrong with the standard model?"
The Lord replied, "Have you seen the specs on this order? She has to be completely independent, possess the qualities of both father and mother, be a perfect hostess to four or forty with an hour's notice, run on black coffee, handle every emergency imaginable without a manual, be able to carry on cheerfully, even if she is pregnant and has the flu and she must be willing to move to a new location ten times in seventeen years. And oh, yes, she must have six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head, "Six pairs of hands? No way."
The Lord continued, "Don't worry; we will make other Navy wives to help her. And we will give her an unusually strong heart so it can swell with pride in her husband's achievements, sustain the pain of separations, beat soundly when it is overworked and tired, and be large enough to say, 'I understand' when she doesn't, and say 'I love you' regardless."
"Lord," said the angel, "God to bed and get some rest. You can finish tomorrow."
"I can't stop now," the Lord said, "I am so close to creating something unique. Already this model heals herself when she is sick, can put up six unexpected guests for the weekend, wave goodbye to her husband from a pier, a runway, or a depot and understand why it's important that he leave."
The angel circled the model of the Navy wife, looked at it closely and sighed, "It looks fine, but it is soft."
"She might look soft," replied the Lord, "but she has the strength of a lion. You would not believe what she can endure."
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the Lord's creation. "There's a leak," she announced, "Something is wrong with the construction. I am not surprised that it has cracked. You are trying to put too much into this model."
The Lord appeared offended at the angel's lack of confidence. "What you see is not a leak," He said. "It is a tear."
"A tear? What is it there for?" asked the angel.
The Lord replied, "It's for joy, sadness, pain, disappointment, loneliness, pride, and dedication to all the valued that she and her husband hold dear."
"You are a genius!" exclaimed the angel.
The Lord looked puzzled and replied, "I didn't put it there."
*******
To any woman who ever reads this - I am proud of you.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Redemption
I watched “Seven Pounds” last night. It was a great movie, but it could lead some people astray in understanding how we achieve redemption. Ben Thomas (Will Smith) feels responsible for the death of seven people in an automobile accident, so he spends the movie saving seven lives. And he does it. He literally saved the lives of seven people. Thus, the audience thereby is lead to feel as though he has “redeemed” himself for texting while driving and killing seven people (including his fiancée). It’s really a beautiful story of a good-hearted man who made a seven-second mistake and does everything and anything to make it right. When the movie was over, I was moved by his sacrifices, moved by his intentions, moved by his desire to “right the wrongs.” He gave his brother part of a lung, a stranger part of his kidney, bone marrow to a child, a house to an abused woman, eyes to a blind man and his heart to a woman who would have otherwise died. (He also gave something to a hockey coach, but I do not know what.) It’s a beautiful, heart-wrenching tale about a man’s personal struggle with guilt, with the debt he feels he owes society, and the internal battle regarding his own worth to live.
The movie leaves the viewer believing that sacrifice, selflessness and generosity are all that it takes to absolve our sins. Now, I realize that the movie is NOT talking about salvation (eternal life in Heaven), but often times, people will fail to differentiate the ideas of a personal struggle of a debt we feel towards society from the debt we must pay for our sins.
It almost seems unfair, really, that Ben Thomas could do so much for so many but still possibly not go to Heaven. Isaiah 64:6 tells us that our righteous “deeds are like a filthy garment”. Without the life-saving blood of Jesus Christ, God cannot even see the deeds we call righteous. Why? Because without Jesus’ redemption, our deeds are not righteous, our motives are not pure, our hearts are not clean.
Though it seems like a contradiction, God’s way is the fairest way. What if you were in Ben’s situation and didn’t have a house to give to an abused woman – would that mean you do not get to go to Heaven? Our deeds do not save us. Our good works are merely a by-product of the faith, love, and thankfulness we have in Christ Jesus. (See James 2.)
God’s way also frees us from the burden of being as “good” as humanely possible – always nice, always obeying the speed limit, always generous, kind, patient, self-controlled and joyous. It is impossible to be sinless. If that was the requirement, we would constantly feel guilty, burdened, ashamed, disappointed, sad, etc. God never wanted that! He wants us to spend eternity with Him, and therefore makes redemption ridiculously EASY. Believe. Period.
Ben's desire to help only those people who are truly "good" is the perfect example of how we as humans fail. Jesus's redemption is available to any, to all who seek Him.
In Seven Pounds, Ben gives the ultimate sacrifice – his own life – in order to give a woman his heart. Surely, that should free him from his guilt, shame, heartache, etc. The Bible tells us that only when we are free of sin through the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus Christ, can we be absolved of our guilt, shame, and heartache. Ephesians 1:7 reads “In Him, we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace.”
I believe Ben Thomas found the self-fulfillment he was seeking by saving seven lives. He could not, however, erase the wrongs that were accidentally commited against the seven families of the people who were killed. Not until we look to Jesus Christ can we achieve true redemption.
The movie leaves the viewer believing that sacrifice, selflessness and generosity are all that it takes to absolve our sins. Now, I realize that the movie is NOT talking about salvation (eternal life in Heaven), but often times, people will fail to differentiate the ideas of a personal struggle of a debt we feel towards society from the debt we must pay for our sins.
It almost seems unfair, really, that Ben Thomas could do so much for so many but still possibly not go to Heaven. Isaiah 64:6 tells us that our righteous “deeds are like a filthy garment”. Without the life-saving blood of Jesus Christ, God cannot even see the deeds we call righteous. Why? Because without Jesus’ redemption, our deeds are not righteous, our motives are not pure, our hearts are not clean.
Though it seems like a contradiction, God’s way is the fairest way. What if you were in Ben’s situation and didn’t have a house to give to an abused woman – would that mean you do not get to go to Heaven? Our deeds do not save us. Our good works are merely a by-product of the faith, love, and thankfulness we have in Christ Jesus. (See James 2.)
God’s way also frees us from the burden of being as “good” as humanely possible – always nice, always obeying the speed limit, always generous, kind, patient, self-controlled and joyous. It is impossible to be sinless. If that was the requirement, we would constantly feel guilty, burdened, ashamed, disappointed, sad, etc. God never wanted that! He wants us to spend eternity with Him, and therefore makes redemption ridiculously EASY. Believe. Period.
Ben's desire to help only those people who are truly "good" is the perfect example of how we as humans fail. Jesus's redemption is available to any, to all who seek Him.
In Seven Pounds, Ben gives the ultimate sacrifice – his own life – in order to give a woman his heart. Surely, that should free him from his guilt, shame, heartache, etc. The Bible tells us that only when we are free of sin through the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus Christ, can we be absolved of our guilt, shame, and heartache. Ephesians 1:7 reads “In Him, we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace.”
I believe Ben Thomas found the self-fulfillment he was seeking by saving seven lives. He could not, however, erase the wrongs that were accidentally commited against the seven families of the people who were killed. Not until we look to Jesus Christ can we achieve true redemption.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
An old journal writing
I write about father/daughter stuff a lot. I do this in hopes that someone, somewhere will gain from my heartache. I hope that a father will realize the life-long impact his relationship has on his daughter. I hope that a daughter might realize that the relationship problems she is having stem from her relationship with her father. No other relationship has the far-reaching an effect. (i.e. A son who adores his mother is not necessarily a great husband. )
Fathers, intentionally or not, teach their daughters how to regard themselves, what kinds of relationships are healthy, what to look for in a partner, and what to expect of men in co-parenting relationships. Imagine what a girl with an absent father learns?
A girl always wants the love and approval from her daddy. If she never receives it, “it is difficult to develop a healthy relationship because you are working from a point of need instead of working out of a position of co-equal,” said Dr. Canfield. “There is a void in her life and the search to fill that void prompts her to take risks in relationships which usually result in some really poor choices.”
A pretty good article explaining some of the impacts of the father/daughter relationship:
http://www.yourpurelife.com/articles/father_daughter.php
And now for the old journal writing…In case you have ever wondered why my biological father is not in my life...This was written December 26, 2003. I was living in NE Mpls. I had stopped at my biological father’s house earlier that afternoon…
Just short of five years after meeting my father, I now know, without a doubt, that he does not want me in his life. And for the first time, I am okay with that painful truth.
On a whim, I stopped at my dad’s house today because I knew that not knowing his thoughts was eating me up inside. He was not home, but I had the un-pleasure of a face-to-face with his wife and eldest daughter (my sister, Mandy).
I have not spoken a word to anyone in that house since like September of 2001…I haven’t seen them since Father’s Day of 2001.
Today, they told me that they did not want me in their lives because I played a major role in ruining their family…that I “took advantage of Jessica’s weaker mental state and manipulated her into believing that the Galsters were not her family (nor the DeVitos).”
Mandy and Lynn believe that I tore their family apart. Even worse, they believe that I did it on purpose. They said that I had horrible motives from the get-go; that they were apprehensive about letting me into their lives because they did not want to give me the opportunity to screw up their family – and their worst fears came true. Apparently, they thought I was so miserable in my life with my mother, that I would stop at NOTHING to ruin my father’s life.
Seriously. They said that.
They said a lot of hurtful things to me, and despite my protests that their assumptions and interpretations were false, they really did not want to hear my side of the story.
Before I went to my dad’s I had asked Jess to pray for me. I think He answered our prayers in that He made it easy for me to walk away from St. Paul. They have harbored this negative image of me for YEARS and have no desire to hear the truth. Their “reality” is flat-out wrong, and nothing I can say or do will convince them otherwise.
I do wish that I had had someone with me…maybe even a tape recorder just so other people would know that THEY have chosen not to include me in their lives.
I think that shutting the door on this five-year chapter will really help me to focus on the future. Knowing and accepting that the Galsters do not know me and have no desire to know me really makes it easier to accept that they are not in my life.
There is so much to be said about our conversation today. So much that I want to record, but I just don’t know that it is important. I do not want bitterness to rule my life. I do not want to be angry and resentful, victimized and heartbroken. I do not want to spend my time rehashing – that’s what Mandy and Lynn do, and I can plainly see there is NO benefit to such activities. It’s hard on your skin, your bones, your heart, and your attitude. Resentment is especially hard on those around you.
I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to be a good person, and it is kind of screwing me mentally to see that so many have such negative opinions of me….why? AM I a bad person? Are all of my efforts fruitless? Do I really spread evil rather than goodness? At what point in my earthly life will I be confident that I am doing this right or at least to the best of my ability?
It’s weird to think that Mandy has been so very angry with me for over two years and has never told me. She never gave me a chance…I do not ever want to be like that.
I think that when people ask me about my dad, I’m just gonna say that he is in an insane asylum, because he is fucking nutty.
Fathers, intentionally or not, teach their daughters how to regard themselves, what kinds of relationships are healthy, what to look for in a partner, and what to expect of men in co-parenting relationships. Imagine what a girl with an absent father learns?
A girl always wants the love and approval from her daddy. If she never receives it, “it is difficult to develop a healthy relationship because you are working from a point of need instead of working out of a position of co-equal,” said Dr. Canfield. “There is a void in her life and the search to fill that void prompts her to take risks in relationships which usually result in some really poor choices.”
A pretty good article explaining some of the impacts of the father/daughter relationship:
http://www.yourpurelife.com/articles/father_daughter.php
And now for the old journal writing…In case you have ever wondered why my biological father is not in my life...This was written December 26, 2003. I was living in NE Mpls. I had stopped at my biological father’s house earlier that afternoon…
Just short of five years after meeting my father, I now know, without a doubt, that he does not want me in his life. And for the first time, I am okay with that painful truth.
On a whim, I stopped at my dad’s house today because I knew that not knowing his thoughts was eating me up inside. He was not home, but I had the un-pleasure of a face-to-face with his wife and eldest daughter (my sister, Mandy).
I have not spoken a word to anyone in that house since like September of 2001…I haven’t seen them since Father’s Day of 2001.
Today, they told me that they did not want me in their lives because I played a major role in ruining their family…that I “took advantage of Jessica’s weaker mental state and manipulated her into believing that the Galsters were not her family (nor the DeVitos).”
Mandy and Lynn believe that I tore their family apart. Even worse, they believe that I did it on purpose. They said that I had horrible motives from the get-go; that they were apprehensive about letting me into their lives because they did not want to give me the opportunity to screw up their family – and their worst fears came true. Apparently, they thought I was so miserable in my life with my mother, that I would stop at NOTHING to ruin my father’s life.
Seriously. They said that.
They said a lot of hurtful things to me, and despite my protests that their assumptions and interpretations were false, they really did not want to hear my side of the story.
Before I went to my dad’s I had asked Jess to pray for me. I think He answered our prayers in that He made it easy for me to walk away from St. Paul. They have harbored this negative image of me for YEARS and have no desire to hear the truth. Their “reality” is flat-out wrong, and nothing I can say or do will convince them otherwise.
I do wish that I had had someone with me…maybe even a tape recorder just so other people would know that THEY have chosen not to include me in their lives.
I think that shutting the door on this five-year chapter will really help me to focus on the future. Knowing and accepting that the Galsters do not know me and have no desire to know me really makes it easier to accept that they are not in my life.
There is so much to be said about our conversation today. So much that I want to record, but I just don’t know that it is important. I do not want bitterness to rule my life. I do not want to be angry and resentful, victimized and heartbroken. I do not want to spend my time rehashing – that’s what Mandy and Lynn do, and I can plainly see there is NO benefit to such activities. It’s hard on your skin, your bones, your heart, and your attitude. Resentment is especially hard on those around you.
I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to be a good person, and it is kind of screwing me mentally to see that so many have such negative opinions of me….why? AM I a bad person? Are all of my efforts fruitless? Do I really spread evil rather than goodness? At what point in my earthly life will I be confident that I am doing this right or at least to the best of my ability?
It’s weird to think that Mandy has been so very angry with me for over two years and has never told me. She never gave me a chance…I do not ever want to be like that.
I think that when people ask me about my dad, I’m just gonna say that he is in an insane asylum, because he is fucking nutty.
Speaking of old friends, here’s the (extremely) short and sweet
Since joining social networking sites and regaining contact with a lot of old friends, I have been asked numerous times, “What the hell happened to you? Where did you go?” To most people, I all but disappeared for most of my 20s. I had to. By the time I was 21, I was a MESS. Drinking, drugs, partying, sleeping around, wasting away...One day, my biological father, Rick, set me down at his kitchen table and said, "Look, if you keep travelling down this path, you are gonna end up exactly where you are going." And truthfully, it was everything I needed to hear.
Two days later, I met Andre. He was from the "other side of the tracks." He was handsome, rich, and safe. I wasn't head over heels crazy in love with the guy, but I needed to clean up and he was an excellent choice for a husband. My parents and all my friends knew that he wasn't the one for me, but I didn't have the guts to explain to them what I was doing, so I married him 8 months later...And then I met Jesus. I fell head-over-heels crazy mad in love with my Savior, and didn't know what to do about it. I ended up, basically, walking away from everyone I knew, everyone who knew me as someone else in order that I could get my head straight, get my life straight, figure out who in the hell I am, and what in the hell my purpose is in this world. I didn't figure it all out, but I did eventually get my head straight. I still love Jesus, I don't love Andre, and I can accept my life for exactly what it is.
My friend Jasmine shared this gem with me:
"You do what you know how to do, and when you know better, you do better." Maya Angelou
Two days later, I met Andre. He was from the "other side of the tracks." He was handsome, rich, and safe. I wasn't head over heels crazy in love with the guy, but I needed to clean up and he was an excellent choice for a husband. My parents and all my friends knew that he wasn't the one for me, but I didn't have the guts to explain to them what I was doing, so I married him 8 months later...And then I met Jesus. I fell head-over-heels crazy mad in love with my Savior, and didn't know what to do about it. I ended up, basically, walking away from everyone I knew, everyone who knew me as someone else in order that I could get my head straight, get my life straight, figure out who in the hell I am, and what in the hell my purpose is in this world. I didn't figure it all out, but I did eventually get my head straight. I still love Jesus, I don't love Andre, and I can accept my life for exactly what it is.
My friend Jasmine shared this gem with me:
"You do what you know how to do, and when you know better, you do better." Maya Angelou
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Old Friends
As Heather LaChance once said, "old friends are the best. You don't have to fill in the blanks for them. They know your history." Old friends understand how our past affects the present and shapes the future.
Truth be told, it wasn't really until my first marriage ended that I really started to grasp the pure joy that comes from reminiscing with old friends. And thru the magic of FB, I have actually found a lot of them. Unfortunately, I live about 2200 miles from most of my old friends, so I haven’t had many opportunities for face-to-face reminiscing, but I have been able to catch up with them, be amazed by them, and summon up the ghost of nostalgia with them. Each one holds a special place in my life, each one created a unique memory, each one has an interesting story that got them to where they are today, and each one has an insightful opinion about who I’ve become.
Simultaneously, Chris has also reconnected with old friends. And not just any old friends, but his very best friends from high school. It has been very interesting to sit on the sideline and see him reconnect with people who KNOW him and adore him anyway ;)
No one like an old friend can bring us back to the humble reality that is our lives. No one like an old friend can inspire us to reach further, fly higher, and be remarkable. No one like an old friend can help us see that life is short and needs to appreciated every minute that there is.
Old (adjective)
1. Originating years ago
My friendship with Mindy originated the summer before second grade
2. Wise – showing the understanding, wisdom, or behavior that results from long experience of life
Amy is the wisest friend I have.
3. Existing for specific time
Most of my middle school friendships ceased to exist when I moved to Osseo.
4. Ancient – belonging to the remote past
Some memories should to stay in the remote past.
5. Former – belonging to an earlier period of something such as somebody’s life
Some former friends should probably stay that way.
6. Familiar
Emailing Pam about life’s issues feels very familiar to me.
7. Earlier - existing before one or all of the other stages, forms, or instances of something.
Channing is one of only a few friends that existed during my marriage to Andre and continues to be my friend today.
NOTE: There are actually 15 different, but similar definitions of “old” the adjective. Most of them are applicable to the point I am trying to make, but I am just tired of typing now.
Truth be told, it wasn't really until my first marriage ended that I really started to grasp the pure joy that comes from reminiscing with old friends. And thru the magic of FB, I have actually found a lot of them. Unfortunately, I live about 2200 miles from most of my old friends, so I haven’t had many opportunities for face-to-face reminiscing, but I have been able to catch up with them, be amazed by them, and summon up the ghost of nostalgia with them. Each one holds a special place in my life, each one created a unique memory, each one has an interesting story that got them to where they are today, and each one has an insightful opinion about who I’ve become.
Simultaneously, Chris has also reconnected with old friends. And not just any old friends, but his very best friends from high school. It has been very interesting to sit on the sideline and see him reconnect with people who KNOW him and adore him anyway ;)
No one like an old friend can bring us back to the humble reality that is our lives. No one like an old friend can inspire us to reach further, fly higher, and be remarkable. No one like an old friend can help us see that life is short and needs to appreciated every minute that there is.
Old (adjective)
1. Originating years ago
My friendship with Mindy originated the summer before second grade
2. Wise – showing the understanding, wisdom, or behavior that results from long experience of life
Amy is the wisest friend I have.
3. Existing for specific time
Most of my middle school friendships ceased to exist when I moved to Osseo.
4. Ancient – belonging to the remote past
Some memories should to stay in the remote past.
5. Former – belonging to an earlier period of something such as somebody’s life
Some former friends should probably stay that way.
6. Familiar
Emailing Pam about life’s issues feels very familiar to me.
7. Earlier - existing before one or all of the other stages, forms, or instances of something.
Channing is one of only a few friends that existed during my marriage to Andre and continues to be my friend today.
NOTE: There are actually 15 different, but similar definitions of “old” the adjective. Most of them are applicable to the point I am trying to make, but I am just tired of typing now.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Cherish: To hold or treat as dear.
He is my king, my leader, my man, my friend. Because he holds such a high place of honor in my life, my expectations of him are astronomically high.
I am his queen. I am graceful, beautiful, priceless, timeless, perfect. My pedestal is so high, I can do no wrong.
Two completely different mentalities regarding “cherish.” Neither is right or wrong, but they are mutually exclusive. There is no compromise between the two. I think my way is right, because it (hopefully) inspires growth and increased appreciation and understanding. He thinks his way is right, because it allows his queen to do as she pleases (even if it means FB all day).
So, now what? Do we continue seeing the act of cherishing completely differently? or does one of us jump ship to the other’s definition? Does it matter? I think so. I often wonder why he doesn’t tell me what irks him so I can grow and be better at making him happy or maybe even just explain why I do something so he can better understand...he, on the other hand, often wonders why I always have a complaint about something he is (or isn’t) doing. According to Chris's very own words, "we would never have an issue if she didn’t bring them to me." So, I think it is imperative that we come to an agreement about this.
Obviously, I love it that I can do no wrong in his eyes. Because I know what it is like to have every single move scrutinized and degraded, I would never take advantage of the freedoms my husband has blessed me with.
Unfortunately, I don’t know that it is possible for me to turn a blind eye to anything - ever. Sad, but true. I guess when I say it like that, it sounds like the personality flaw is mine...I can’t help but question. If I adopt that mentality will Chris take advantage? Am I just setting myself up for heartache, loneliness, and a life of total _______(What? What am I really scared of? Have I forgotten what it is like to be fully protected by the one true just and loving God? Have I forgotten that as long as I walk in the will of Christ all things will work out for the good of those who love Him? Even if my husband was to hurt me or annoy me or just do something really stupid – I can’t control his actions anyway, so really what advantage is there to fret over them?)
But wait, this didn’t start out about controlling. Maybe that’s the root of the issue. It is entirely possible that my “high expectations” have melded with my desire to control the world and have thus created a monster!
I still believe that high expectations are good. But, I can now see that my way is not flawless.
I am his queen. I am graceful, beautiful, priceless, timeless, perfect. My pedestal is so high, I can do no wrong.
Two completely different mentalities regarding “cherish.” Neither is right or wrong, but they are mutually exclusive. There is no compromise between the two. I think my way is right, because it (hopefully) inspires growth and increased appreciation and understanding. He thinks his way is right, because it allows his queen to do as she pleases (even if it means FB all day).
So, now what? Do we continue seeing the act of cherishing completely differently? or does one of us jump ship to the other’s definition? Does it matter? I think so. I often wonder why he doesn’t tell me what irks him so I can grow and be better at making him happy or maybe even just explain why I do something so he can better understand...he, on the other hand, often wonders why I always have a complaint about something he is (or isn’t) doing. According to Chris's very own words, "we would never have an issue if she didn’t bring them to me." So, I think it is imperative that we come to an agreement about this.
Obviously, I love it that I can do no wrong in his eyes. Because I know what it is like to have every single move scrutinized and degraded, I would never take advantage of the freedoms my husband has blessed me with.
Unfortunately, I don’t know that it is possible for me to turn a blind eye to anything - ever. Sad, but true. I guess when I say it like that, it sounds like the personality flaw is mine...I can’t help but question. If I adopt that mentality will Chris take advantage? Am I just setting myself up for heartache, loneliness, and a life of total _______(What? What am I really scared of? Have I forgotten what it is like to be fully protected by the one true just and loving God? Have I forgotten that as long as I walk in the will of Christ all things will work out for the good of those who love Him? Even if my husband was to hurt me or annoy me or just do something really stupid – I can’t control his actions anyway, so really what advantage is there to fret over them?)
But wait, this didn’t start out about controlling. Maybe that’s the root of the issue. It is entirely possible that my “high expectations” have melded with my desire to control the world and have thus created a monster!
I still believe that high expectations are good. But, I can now see that my way is not flawless.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Patriot's Day 2009
I wish that I had written about my endeavors as a stepmom from the beginning, so you could see the differences in me, so you could feel the emotions I’ve felt, and so that maybe one day someone somewhere would learn from the experiences I’ve faced.
We just found out late last night that Adrienne (Brytin’s mom) received a continuance in her trial until September 11, 2009. This continuance is truly heart-wrenching. At its most basic level, the fact that nothing was decided yesterday keeps everything at the status quo for TWO MORE MONTHS.
This continuance means that Adrienne will continue living restricted to base for another two months. It means Brytin will only see his mom a couple times a week for the next month - and possibly even less once he starts kinder Aug 17th. It means that the relationships between her and Richard, her and Bryanna, and Brytin and Bryanna will continue to be strained. It also means that Adrienne’s hopes and efforts to prove herself a productive member of society were once again ignored by too many people. And all of these aspects regarding the continuance do not even begin to discuss her career, her housing, her DMV issues, nor her education. All of these items do not even begin to describe the long-term effects to her, Brytin or Bryanna.
The one blessing I can see as I write this is that her life will continue as she knows it - which means continued sobriety. Adrienne has been dry one week shy of five months – approximately 140 days. Continuing her life as she has known it these past five months will bring her to almost seven months sober. That’s close to 200 days! What an amazing victory for her!!!
God permits testing of our faith and loyalty (i.e. Eve with the apple, Abraham with his son, and Jesus in the desert after his forty-day fast). Whatever we go through, God intends to refine us – to make us more like His beautiful Son, Jesus Christ. What impurity is He trying to burn away in you? God tests us to bring out our best, whereas Satan tempts us to bring out our worst.
And now, her grandmother is dying. A woman she has often referred to as “the glue that holds everything together.” My heart breaks that she has to face another tragic circumstance in 2009. Chris did have an excellent point, however - MAYBE everything that Adrienne has been through since Feb 23, 2009 has been to prepare her to become the glue in her grandma’s absence. Lord knows, she is now sober, sane, strong and smart enough to help people. To take it one step further - maybe it has to do with her desire to be a psychologist. Maybe God saw that she could be an AMAZING psychologist, but she had to straighten out some stuff first?
Sometimes, I feel guilty that I have benefited from her circumstance...I have been greatly blessed with an amazing stepson whom I adore more than I ever thought possible.
I have also gained a great friend in Adrienne Broussard. A friend whom I cherish as an inspiration on so many levels. At first, of course, my mentality was completely different. But from conversations with my husband, my family, my friends, and with Brytin, I have a much better understanding of kindness, forgiveness, grace, love, peace, joy, and self-control. And I have Adrienne to thank for teaching me those lessons. I have Adrienne to thank for making me a better follower of Christ.
Praise be to God. His mercies abound! His willingness to grow His children is the most beautiful example of loving-kindness I can imagine. Every day we have the opportunity to make choices that will undoubtedly make Him smile. Adrienne Broussard has made HUNDREDS of those decisions over the past five months.
We just found out late last night that Adrienne (Brytin’s mom) received a continuance in her trial until September 11, 2009. This continuance is truly heart-wrenching. At its most basic level, the fact that nothing was decided yesterday keeps everything at the status quo for TWO MORE MONTHS.
This continuance means that Adrienne will continue living restricted to base for another two months. It means Brytin will only see his mom a couple times a week for the next month - and possibly even less once he starts kinder Aug 17th. It means that the relationships between her and Richard, her and Bryanna, and Brytin and Bryanna will continue to be strained. It also means that Adrienne’s hopes and efforts to prove herself a productive member of society were once again ignored by too many people. And all of these aspects regarding the continuance do not even begin to discuss her career, her housing, her DMV issues, nor her education. All of these items do not even begin to describe the long-term effects to her, Brytin or Bryanna.
The one blessing I can see as I write this is that her life will continue as she knows it - which means continued sobriety. Adrienne has been dry one week shy of five months – approximately 140 days. Continuing her life as she has known it these past five months will bring her to almost seven months sober. That’s close to 200 days! What an amazing victory for her!!!
God permits testing of our faith and loyalty (i.e. Eve with the apple, Abraham with his son, and Jesus in the desert after his forty-day fast). Whatever we go through, God intends to refine us – to make us more like His beautiful Son, Jesus Christ. What impurity is He trying to burn away in you? God tests us to bring out our best, whereas Satan tempts us to bring out our worst.
And now, her grandmother is dying. A woman she has often referred to as “the glue that holds everything together.” My heart breaks that she has to face another tragic circumstance in 2009. Chris did have an excellent point, however - MAYBE everything that Adrienne has been through since Feb 23, 2009 has been to prepare her to become the glue in her grandma’s absence. Lord knows, she is now sober, sane, strong and smart enough to help people. To take it one step further - maybe it has to do with her desire to be a psychologist. Maybe God saw that she could be an AMAZING psychologist, but she had to straighten out some stuff first?
Sometimes, I feel guilty that I have benefited from her circumstance...I have been greatly blessed with an amazing stepson whom I adore more than I ever thought possible.
I have also gained a great friend in Adrienne Broussard. A friend whom I cherish as an inspiration on so many levels. At first, of course, my mentality was completely different. But from conversations with my husband, my family, my friends, and with Brytin, I have a much better understanding of kindness, forgiveness, grace, love, peace, joy, and self-control. And I have Adrienne to thank for teaching me those lessons. I have Adrienne to thank for making me a better follower of Christ.
Praise be to God. His mercies abound! His willingness to grow His children is the most beautiful example of loving-kindness I can imagine. Every day we have the opportunity to make choices that will undoubtedly make Him smile. Adrienne Broussard has made HUNDREDS of those decisions over the past five months.
MySpace Blogs
In an effort to preserve the writing I did on Myspace, I've opened a blogger account. Hopefully, having an actual website full of my writings will inspire me to actually start writing...
Please note - the MySpace blogs started in 2006 and go all the way through July 14, 2009. They are sporaditic in timing, random in topic and pretty rough in language. I did not edit any blog I've copied over. If something I wrote offends you, I am sorry...Sometimes when I am writing, I am not writing for an audience, but for my own sanity. I also didn't copy any comments that were made. Though some were AWESOME and I would totally love to, those comments are not mine to copy. Hopefully, you will reread what I've written and maybe have some fresh comments on my life experiences :)
Please note - the MySpace blogs started in 2006 and go all the way through July 14, 2009. They are sporaditic in timing, random in topic and pretty rough in language. I did not edit any blog I've copied over. If something I wrote offends you, I am sorry...Sometimes when I am writing, I am not writing for an audience, but for my own sanity. I also didn't copy any comments that were made. Though some were AWESOME and I would totally love to, those comments are not mine to copy. Hopefully, you will reread what I've written and maybe have some fresh comments on my life experiences :)
Tuesday July 14, 2009
motherhood
Current mood: blessed
I am so thankful to God for the opportunity to be Brytin's stepmom. It has been such an amazing blessing.He spent the whole past Sunday with his mom - he was away from me for about 10 or 11 hours. At about the 8th hour, I started to really really really miss him...and the moment he got home I gave him the biggest hug and kiss I've probably ever given him!He really is an amazing little boy.
Current mood: blessed
I am so thankful to God for the opportunity to be Brytin's stepmom. It has been such an amazing blessing.He spent the whole past Sunday with his mom - he was away from me for about 10 or 11 hours. At about the 8th hour, I started to really really really miss him...and the moment he got home I gave him the biggest hug and kiss I've probably ever given him!He really is an amazing little boy.
Tuesday June 23, 2009
Home
Current mood: accomplished
Yesterday was my first truly successful, rewarding, awesome day as a stay-at-home stepmom. I got so much done! And I had a GREAT time with Brytin. When Chris got home, he said, “You guys make my crappy day melt away.” (Or something similarly sweet, I can’t remember it verbatim – whatever it was, I felt truly accomplished.)
There are so many reasons that my lay-off at AMN is for the betterment of my family. I am truly VERY thankful that God worked that into His amazing plan.
Current mood: accomplished
Yesterday was my first truly successful, rewarding, awesome day as a stay-at-home stepmom. I got so much done! And I had a GREAT time with Brytin. When Chris got home, he said, “You guys make my crappy day melt away.” (Or something similarly sweet, I can’t remember it verbatim – whatever it was, I felt truly accomplished.)
There are so many reasons that my lay-off at AMN is for the betterment of my family. I am truly VERY thankful that God worked that into His amazing plan.
May 27, 2009
Sometimes I am okay, and sometimes I am not. Sometimes I am ecstatic, and sometimes I am not. Sometimes I am angry, and sometimes I am not...I suppose it is all a part of life to have the range of emotions I have, but I must admit I've been dealt a unique hand. So many crazy things have happened in my life. Sometimes I am well-adjusted, and sometimes I am not. Sometimes I take it all in stride, and sometimes I freak out. Don't get me wrong, sometimes, the crazy things that happen are CRAZY GOOD. But sometimes, it takes me awhile to see the good in other things...
Thursday June 18, 2009
FINALLY!
Current mood: adored
Finally, I am out of the darkness.
Finally, I do not hate San Diego.
Finally, I don't cry every day.
Finally, I do not regret.
Finally, I am not scared.
Finally, I can let go.
Finally, I love my life again.
Finally, I smile every day.
Finally, I feel adored.
Finally, I KNOW that I am amazing.
Finally, I am cherished.
Finally, I appreciate the lessons.
Finally, I look forward with excitement.
Finally, I found my laugh.
Finally, I am free.
Finally.
Thankfully.
Finally.
Prayerfully.
Finally.
Current mood: adored
Finally, I am out of the darkness.
Finally, I do not hate San Diego.
Finally, I don't cry every day.
Finally, I do not regret.
Finally, I am not scared.
Finally, I can let go.
Finally, I love my life again.
Finally, I smile every day.
Finally, I feel adored.
Finally, I KNOW that I am amazing.
Finally, I am cherished.
Finally, I appreciate the lessons.
Finally, I look forward with excitement.
Finally, I found my laugh.
Finally, I am free.
Finally.
Thankfully.
Finally.
Prayerfully.
Finally.
Tuesday January 27, 2009
2 weeks
It's been two wks since i sat here - in this parking spot at 8 pm on a Tues. So much has happened, so much has been said in those two weeks - not all of it good, but not all of it bad. One thing I can say for sure is that I am even more proud of my husband tonite than I was two weeks ago. I am also proud of myself. I made a promise, and come hell or high water, I'm sticking to it.
It's been two wks since i sat here - in this parking spot at 8 pm on a Tues. So much has happened, so much has been said in those two weeks - not all of it good, but not all of it bad. One thing I can say for sure is that I am even more proud of my husband tonite than I was two weeks ago. I am also proud of myself. I made a promise, and come hell or high water, I'm sticking to it.
Saturday January 17, 2009
Bruce
Current mood: discontent
One of the few things I remember about Bruce Lee is a line in a movie where he kicks someone's ass and they look at him like, "Who are you??" And he responds, "They call me Bruce."
Now granted no one actually calls me "Bruce," but they could - my name is Broussard. I am Mrs. Fucking Broussard. And though I wasnt born with that namesake, it was given to me. And no mother fucker can take that away. You may not know this, but the name Broussard means something. It stands for dignity and honor and respect and integrity and strength. I haven't necessarily been all of those things in recent times, but I am now. I am strong and courageous ans brave and beautiful and full of life. Just knowing my name will tell you that. I am LeslieAnn Beatrice Broussard. No one can take that from me. I am going to take everything that name means and live it out loud.
PS - this blog would be more eloquent if I weren't writing it on my phone.
Current mood: discontent
One of the few things I remember about Bruce Lee is a line in a movie where he kicks someone's ass and they look at him like, "Who are you??" And he responds, "They call me Bruce."
Now granted no one actually calls me "Bruce," but they could - my name is Broussard. I am Mrs. Fucking Broussard. And though I wasnt born with that namesake, it was given to me. And no mother fucker can take that away. You may not know this, but the name Broussard means something. It stands for dignity and honor and respect and integrity and strength. I haven't necessarily been all of those things in recent times, but I am now. I am strong and courageous ans brave and beautiful and full of life. Just knowing my name will tell you that. I am LeslieAnn Beatrice Broussard. No one can take that from me. I am going to take everything that name means and live it out loud.
PS - this blog would be more eloquent if I weren't writing it on my phone.
Sunday January 11, 2009 **WARNING - there are a few F-Bombs in here**
Why?
Current mood: pissed off
In my opinion, that is a fair fucking question. It’s not too much to ask “Why couldn’t you love and cherish and adore me when I loved you?”
In my short lifetime, I have loved HUGE -- Ev, Mike, Rob, Andre and Chris. Five times. Some would say that that is excessive. If you know me, you know that I love easily and once I love, I love BIG. I go all the fucking way out. There is no half-ass in a relationship in my world. There is no “just being in a relationship.” I love out loud every fucking day that there is a day.
I realize, that I can be tough to take. I get that - really, I do. My expectations of human beings are astronomical. My expectations of a significant other are probably out of this world also. But, the truth is, I deserve to be treated astronomically. I am fucking amazing. I am one-in-a-million. Just ask Ev, Mike, Rob and Andre. Every single one of those mother fuckers broke my heart. Every single one left ME. And whether it took six months, six years, or even 12 years, every single one of those mother fuckers has come to me and said, “Wow. I fucked up.”’
Why is it so easy to walk away from me? Why is it so easy to love me AFTER you leave me? When in this fucking life will I be cherished in the present by the man I adore??? I gave Andre three fucking years to figure it out. Six months after we split up, he figured it out. Are you fucking kidding me?
And I must say, I am once again in a similar boat. My husband loves me, but he doesn’t adore me or appreciate me or cherish me – he has NO FUCKING CLUE how truly blessed he is to have me in his life. Ironic that at the same time that I’m lamenting his disinterest in me, Mike is telling me how much he fucked up 12 years ago. TWELVE fucking years ago. We were kids! But yet, he can sit there at his computer, a grown ass man, and tell me that he fucked up.
Maybe God’s intent in having Mike find me on Facebook was for this exact blog. Maybe this is what I needed. Maybe this is what finally skyrockets me out of this gloom and doom bullshit. I’ve dabbled in confidence and assertiveness the last couple months, but I just couldn’t get there. Is this really the wind beneath my wings that I needed to help me soar?
Current mood: pissed off
In my opinion, that is a fair fucking question. It’s not too much to ask “Why couldn’t you love and cherish and adore me when I loved you?”
In my short lifetime, I have loved HUGE -- Ev, Mike, Rob, Andre and Chris. Five times. Some would say that that is excessive. If you know me, you know that I love easily and once I love, I love BIG. I go all the fucking way out. There is no half-ass in a relationship in my world. There is no “just being in a relationship.” I love out loud every fucking day that there is a day.
I realize, that I can be tough to take. I get that - really, I do. My expectations of human beings are astronomical. My expectations of a significant other are probably out of this world also. But, the truth is, I deserve to be treated astronomically. I am fucking amazing. I am one-in-a-million. Just ask Ev, Mike, Rob and Andre. Every single one of those mother fuckers broke my heart. Every single one left ME. And whether it took six months, six years, or even 12 years, every single one of those mother fuckers has come to me and said, “Wow. I fucked up.”’
Why is it so easy to walk away from me? Why is it so easy to love me AFTER you leave me? When in this fucking life will I be cherished in the present by the man I adore??? I gave Andre three fucking years to figure it out. Six months after we split up, he figured it out. Are you fucking kidding me?
And I must say, I am once again in a similar boat. My husband loves me, but he doesn’t adore me or appreciate me or cherish me – he has NO FUCKING CLUE how truly blessed he is to have me in his life. Ironic that at the same time that I’m lamenting his disinterest in me, Mike is telling me how much he fucked up 12 years ago. TWELVE fucking years ago. We were kids! But yet, he can sit there at his computer, a grown ass man, and tell me that he fucked up.
Maybe God’s intent in having Mike find me on Facebook was for this exact blog. Maybe this is what I needed. Maybe this is what finally skyrockets me out of this gloom and doom bullshit. I’ve dabbled in confidence and assertiveness the last couple months, but I just couldn’t get there. Is this really the wind beneath my wings that I needed to help me soar?
Tuesday September 23, 2008
Miss
Current mood: pensive
I have an impeccable memory. There are few dates, names, and experiences I cannot recall in the past 29 years. Every moment of the day I am reminded of a previous experience or previous friendship/relationship or even current ones. Sometimes, I miss previous friends, previous locations, previous experiences more than words could ever express. But sometimes, I am so thankful that that friend, location and/or experience has passed.
I am an exceptionally emotional person. Somedays, it's a gift. Somedays, it's torture. When I missing someone, I wish the emotional side of me would just wither away. When I miss someone, it physically hurts my heart. It consumes my brain.
I haven't always been a great friend or daughter or wife, but each day that passes I get better at all those relationships. I get better because I don't like the feelings of sorrow I feel for the way I were. In my lifetime, I have hurt so many people. By the grace of God, each morning I get the chance to start anew. I get the chance to create "happy memories." I get the chance to live out a day with no regrets. I fail miserably most days, but sometimes, I succeed. Sometimes, I am the greatest friend, daughter, wife a person could ever have in their life.
However, those days of pinnacle relating bring with them great sorrow for the days I screw up. I know my potential, so why do I fall so short? I could be better, I could be smarter, I could - but I don't. I could change the fucking world! But I don't. Instead, I live out my day-to-day life trying to make "happy memories" for those whose paths I cross.
Sometimes, I wish I could empty my brain of all the memories so that I am not constantly berating myself for my failures. Somteimes, I wish I could keep my memories, but erase everyone else's sour memories of Leslie Galster/Ptak/Broussard.
Every day that passes, I feel more and more like I am wasting days/minutes/hours. I try to live each day to its full potential, or at least appreciating every small joy. But as each week passes, I wonder if I couldn't being doing more.
What I am really trying to get at, is that there are paths I've crossed that I haven't had an impact on - or at least the impact I'd like to have. Thankfully, when it's all said and done, my impact on other's lives is entirely in God's control...
Current mood: pensive
I have an impeccable memory. There are few dates, names, and experiences I cannot recall in the past 29 years. Every moment of the day I am reminded of a previous experience or previous friendship/relationship or even current ones. Sometimes, I miss previous friends, previous locations, previous experiences more than words could ever express. But sometimes, I am so thankful that that friend, location and/or experience has passed.
I am an exceptionally emotional person. Somedays, it's a gift. Somedays, it's torture. When I missing someone, I wish the emotional side of me would just wither away. When I miss someone, it physically hurts my heart. It consumes my brain.
I haven't always been a great friend or daughter or wife, but each day that passes I get better at all those relationships. I get better because I don't like the feelings of sorrow I feel for the way I were. In my lifetime, I have hurt so many people. By the grace of God, each morning I get the chance to start anew. I get the chance to create "happy memories." I get the chance to live out a day with no regrets. I fail miserably most days, but sometimes, I succeed. Sometimes, I am the greatest friend, daughter, wife a person could ever have in their life.
However, those days of pinnacle relating bring with them great sorrow for the days I screw up. I know my potential, so why do I fall so short? I could be better, I could be smarter, I could - but I don't. I could change the fucking world! But I don't. Instead, I live out my day-to-day life trying to make "happy memories" for those whose paths I cross.
Sometimes, I wish I could empty my brain of all the memories so that I am not constantly berating myself for my failures. Somteimes, I wish I could keep my memories, but erase everyone else's sour memories of Leslie Galster/Ptak/Broussard.
Every day that passes, I feel more and more like I am wasting days/minutes/hours. I try to live each day to its full potential, or at least appreciating every small joy. But as each week passes, I wonder if I couldn't being doing more.
What I am really trying to get at, is that there are paths I've crossed that I haven't had an impact on - or at least the impact I'd like to have. Thankfully, when it's all said and done, my impact on other's lives is entirely in God's control...
Monday September 8, 2008
Current mood: thankful
There are no words to accurately describe the pride I feel in the work my husband does. Any person who openly devotes their lives to the freedom of this land deserves mad respect. There are so many aspects of the military life that are incomprehensible to the civilian. I truly feel privileged to see every day the commaraderie, the respect and honor, the diligence the military has provided my husband. I am so thankful for the work he does. I am so thankful for the opportunities his career choice have afforded us.
There are no words to accurately describe the pride I feel in the work my husband does. Any person who openly devotes their lives to the freedom of this land deserves mad respect. There are so many aspects of the military life that are incomprehensible to the civilian. I truly feel privileged to see every day the commaraderie, the respect and honor, the diligence the military has provided my husband. I am so thankful for the work he does. I am so thankful for the opportunities his career choice have afforded us.
Monday September 1, 2008
conundrum
Current mood: pensive
I do not speak much about my political preferences with people. I'll talk about current events, but without giving a whole lot of my opinion. I choose to do this because my opinion seems to offend. I am very conservative, very old-fashioned, and also very resolute in my convictions.
However, I am now faced with a horrible conundrum I do not know how to reconcile…
Ever since I can remember I have heard, "Women can be anything. Shoot for the stars. You can even be President someday!" And for as long as I can remember, my response to such statements has been, "Just because women can do everything doesn't mean that they should do everything."
It is of my humble opinion that women need to tend to their spouses, their children, their homes first. I am not saying women should stay home and cook and clean all day. I'm just saying that a woman's priority should be her family.
It is of my humble opinion that women should be emotional. I am not saying women should be a constant damsel in distress. I'm just saying that a woman's heart brings balance to the man's stoic nature.
During the primary season, I was faced with the decision of voting for either the man I like or the policies I prefer. I adore Obama. I love listening to him speak. He is inpsiring. Everyone of his speeches that I have heard led me to believe that America could be an amazing place under his direction. Then I look at his policies and realize that that is not the kind of America I want…
I am not a huge fan of John McCain. Juxtaposed against Obama and Hilary's campaigns, he just seemed like the old white guy who would give us more of the same. But, alas, I align more with Republican polices and so I resigned to voting for him. Plus, I think McCain would be a better boss for Christopher.
And then…He chose a woman as a running mate. I've been pondering this for a couple days now, and I just don't know what to do that.
I DO NOT THINK A WOMAN SHOULD BE PRESIDENT. Ever. We are emotional, hormonal, moody, fickle and unpredictable…I love all of these characteristics about woman. I think God created us this way for a reason. I just don't think any one of those reasons was to run a country.
A woman should not be president. And with a seventy-something man as president, the chance the vice-president will lead the country is at least possible.
Wow, I write about emotion way better than politics. My basic problem is this –
HOW DO I VOTE FOR THE POLICIES I PREFER WHEN THAT NOW MEANS GOING AGAINST MY STERN CONVICTION THAT WOMAN SHOULD NOT BE PRESIDENT?
Current mood: pensive
I do not speak much about my political preferences with people. I'll talk about current events, but without giving a whole lot of my opinion. I choose to do this because my opinion seems to offend. I am very conservative, very old-fashioned, and also very resolute in my convictions.
However, I am now faced with a horrible conundrum I do not know how to reconcile…
Ever since I can remember I have heard, "Women can be anything. Shoot for the stars. You can even be President someday!" And for as long as I can remember, my response to such statements has been, "Just because women can do everything doesn't mean that they should do everything."
It is of my humble opinion that women need to tend to their spouses, their children, their homes first. I am not saying women should stay home and cook and clean all day. I'm just saying that a woman's priority should be her family.
It is of my humble opinion that women should be emotional. I am not saying women should be a constant damsel in distress. I'm just saying that a woman's heart brings balance to the man's stoic nature.
During the primary season, I was faced with the decision of voting for either the man I like or the policies I prefer. I adore Obama. I love listening to him speak. He is inpsiring. Everyone of his speeches that I have heard led me to believe that America could be an amazing place under his direction. Then I look at his policies and realize that that is not the kind of America I want…
I am not a huge fan of John McCain. Juxtaposed against Obama and Hilary's campaigns, he just seemed like the old white guy who would give us more of the same. But, alas, I align more with Republican polices and so I resigned to voting for him. Plus, I think McCain would be a better boss for Christopher.
And then…He chose a woman as a running mate. I've been pondering this for a couple days now, and I just don't know what to do that.
I DO NOT THINK A WOMAN SHOULD BE PRESIDENT. Ever. We are emotional, hormonal, moody, fickle and unpredictable…I love all of these characteristics about woman. I think God created us this way for a reason. I just don't think any one of those reasons was to run a country.
A woman should not be president. And with a seventy-something man as president, the chance the vice-president will lead the country is at least possible.
Wow, I write about emotion way better than politics. My basic problem is this –
HOW DO I VOTE FOR THE POLICIES I PREFER WHEN THAT NOW MEANS GOING AGAINST MY STERN CONVICTION THAT WOMAN SHOULD NOT BE PRESIDENT?
Saturday August 30, 2008
a girl needs her daddy
Current mood: exhausted
My biological father's name is Rick. Him and my mom got pregnant in high school. They married after getting pregnant a second time. My mom made a feeble attempt at saving her marriage by having me...Rick thought I was someone else's kid and walked out when I was six-months old...My sisters lived with my mom and me for a couple years until my mom cracked. She was twenty-three, divorced, and had three kids under five (the oldest was four, Jess was two and a half and i was one and a half). She dropped the girls off at their dads and never looked back.
When I was thirteen, I tried to contact my dad. I was having a difficult time with my mom and stepdad and thought that the answer was to at least learn about where I came from...Rick called my mom and told him that my sisters were not emotionally strong enough to deal with the chaos that would ensue if he spoke to me...
When I was fifteen, I tried again. We all met once. It was awkward. I had phone conversations with my stepmom for a few months, but eventually just gave up.
When I was twenty, I decided it was do or die. I was going nowhere, doing nothing and really needed some direction in my life. Rick had a college education, he had a great career, he had children in college and a successful marriage. I needed a role model like that, so I tried again. We tried for about three years to forge a relationship. It never worked.
Not that it isn't possible to have a relationship with a relative you didn't grow up with, it just wasn't possible for us. For a million reasons. The first being that my dad thinks I am "too much like my mother" whom he despises. The second being that my stepmother refuses to allow me into their perfect world lest the "devil's spawn" would fuck it all up.
It's been a difficult road for me.
A girl needs her daddy. I believe that now more than ever.
Thankfully, the Lord has helped fill the void left by the men that could have been great fathers to me.
Current mood: exhausted
My biological father's name is Rick. Him and my mom got pregnant in high school. They married after getting pregnant a second time. My mom made a feeble attempt at saving her marriage by having me...Rick thought I was someone else's kid and walked out when I was six-months old...My sisters lived with my mom and me for a couple years until my mom cracked. She was twenty-three, divorced, and had three kids under five (the oldest was four, Jess was two and a half and i was one and a half). She dropped the girls off at their dads and never looked back.
When I was thirteen, I tried to contact my dad. I was having a difficult time with my mom and stepdad and thought that the answer was to at least learn about where I came from...Rick called my mom and told him that my sisters were not emotionally strong enough to deal with the chaos that would ensue if he spoke to me...
When I was fifteen, I tried again. We all met once. It was awkward. I had phone conversations with my stepmom for a few months, but eventually just gave up.
When I was twenty, I decided it was do or die. I was going nowhere, doing nothing and really needed some direction in my life. Rick had a college education, he had a great career, he had children in college and a successful marriage. I needed a role model like that, so I tried again. We tried for about three years to forge a relationship. It never worked.
Not that it isn't possible to have a relationship with a relative you didn't grow up with, it just wasn't possible for us. For a million reasons. The first being that my dad thinks I am "too much like my mother" whom he despises. The second being that my stepmother refuses to allow me into their perfect world lest the "devil's spawn" would fuck it all up.
It's been a difficult road for me.
A girl needs her daddy. I believe that now more than ever.
Thankfully, the Lord has helped fill the void left by the men that could have been great fathers to me.
Monday August 25, 2008
I hate it that he always has fun when I'm not there....seriously it hurts me. I know that guys and girls are different. I know. I just wish he'd say, "This is soooo much fun!!" when we are doing something together.
Saturday August 23, 2008
23 Aug 08
It seems to me that I've said this a lot in the past year, but seriously, "I don't even know where to start." Life just seems to be spinning horribly out of control. No. Reverse that. My emotions seem to be spinning horribly out of control, and I don't know how to get off this sick and twisted carnival ride.
Last night was the worst moment in the past 803 days, and I just couldn't seem to stop it. I really don't know how it got so out of control...
It seems to me that I've said this a lot in the past year, but seriously, "I don't even know where to start." Life just seems to be spinning horribly out of control. No. Reverse that. My emotions seem to be spinning horribly out of control, and I don't know how to get off this sick and twisted carnival ride.
Last night was the worst moment in the past 803 days, and I just couldn't seem to stop it. I really don't know how it got so out of control...
Tuesday August 12, 2008
pork chops and applesauce
Current mood: blah
There are so many things to write, and yet I just don't have the energy to write any of it. All is well. Nothing is wrong, but nothing is right. I'm tired, I'm crabby, I'm lonely, and I'm worried. About what? Nothing. And EVERYthing. There's all this chaos and none of it was caused by me. There's all this change and I just can't get acclimated. Truthfully, there's alot of really cool things going on in my world, but I just can't seem to be anything but blah at best and pissed off at worst.
I hate moments like this. I try to focus on positives. I try to pick one thing to get excited about. I try to just be happy. Instead, I get wrapped up in a vicious cycle of self-doubt, self-hatred, and then taking all my angst out on others; which leads to feelings of failure, self-doubt, self-hatred and taking all my angst out on others; which leads to...GRR
I keep wondering if the problem(s) don't stem from age...I'm gonna be 30 very soon. For the past couple years, I was pretty excited for 30. It was a great opportunity to start fresh, but all the "fresh starts" have happened. New husband, new house, new job, etc. So, now it seems, 30 is just older.
And truthfully, the older I get, the more I seem to lose the happy, free-spirited Leslie we all love so much. I am more shy, I am more impatient, I am less compassionate and more demanding. Does that just mean as time has passed, I've discovered what I love/like and am not willing to settle? IDK, but I don't like being so closed-off from fun and laughter. Oh, don't get me wrong, I laugh. I laugh a helluva lot. But it's only with certain people...Like, I am more reserved, I guess. I'm not friends with everyone; only a couple people. I have noticed this transformation over the past year or so, but it became VERY obvious a month ago when I started this new job...I used to be the really sweet and fun girl that everyone wanted to be around. But when I started at AMN, I started talking to one person, and have all but refused to be anything more than cordial to anyone else. I barely even know anyone else's names...I don't know if any of that is really age or a slow progression into bitterness. I really don't want to be crotchety 30-year-old!
One piece of the puzzle is that I am, always have been, an opposites chameleon. My friend at work, Lisa, is a social butterfly. Everyone loves her. And whenever I'm around very social people, I clam up. I let them shine and I take a backseat. If you are a leader, I'll be your follower. If you're a follower, I'll be your leader. It's not that I don't know who I am per se, it's that I am willing to be whatever...Is that unhealthy? IDK.
It seems like the more I experience (read: the older I get), the less willing I am to be tolerant. I thought that the older we got, the more tolerant we got? I suppose that in some ways, I am more open-minded than I once was, but I am way less tolerant. I am quicker to check out of a situation that isn't pleasing to me. If you piss me off or hurt me or even just annoy me, I'm out. I don't have time for your BS. That's a horrible way to be, I think...Do I want to change it? No. I really really really don't like drama. I have no patience for it and if you bring it into my world, I'm gonna kick you the fuck out. (I'm slightly more opinionated and harsh than I used to be...Or am I? IDK anymore!!) It's this weird mix of being MORE opinionated but expressing them to fewer people, and I just can't seem to wrap my head around it.
I don't have a very Christ-like attitude. I should really work on it...I've lost compassion. Maybe it's too many R-rated movies. LOL.
Anyway, that's where I'm at mentally. Physically, I'm sitting in my HOUSE! It's pretty sweet...except all the boxes still unpacked and the lack of time for painting/decorating and my lack of energy to clean when I get home from work...See! Vicious cycle. I start out positive and end up all grumpy. Crappy. Any suggestions?
Current mood: blah
There are so many things to write, and yet I just don't have the energy to write any of it. All is well. Nothing is wrong, but nothing is right. I'm tired, I'm crabby, I'm lonely, and I'm worried. About what? Nothing. And EVERYthing. There's all this chaos and none of it was caused by me. There's all this change and I just can't get acclimated. Truthfully, there's alot of really cool things going on in my world, but I just can't seem to be anything but blah at best and pissed off at worst.
I hate moments like this. I try to focus on positives. I try to pick one thing to get excited about. I try to just be happy. Instead, I get wrapped up in a vicious cycle of self-doubt, self-hatred, and then taking all my angst out on others; which leads to feelings of failure, self-doubt, self-hatred and taking all my angst out on others; which leads to...GRR
I keep wondering if the problem(s) don't stem from age...I'm gonna be 30 very soon. For the past couple years, I was pretty excited for 30. It was a great opportunity to start fresh, but all the "fresh starts" have happened. New husband, new house, new job, etc. So, now it seems, 30 is just older.
And truthfully, the older I get, the more I seem to lose the happy, free-spirited Leslie we all love so much. I am more shy, I am more impatient, I am less compassionate and more demanding. Does that just mean as time has passed, I've discovered what I love/like and am not willing to settle? IDK, but I don't like being so closed-off from fun and laughter. Oh, don't get me wrong, I laugh. I laugh a helluva lot. But it's only with certain people...Like, I am more reserved, I guess. I'm not friends with everyone; only a couple people. I have noticed this transformation over the past year or so, but it became VERY obvious a month ago when I started this new job...I used to be the really sweet and fun girl that everyone wanted to be around. But when I started at AMN, I started talking to one person, and have all but refused to be anything more than cordial to anyone else. I barely even know anyone else's names...I don't know if any of that is really age or a slow progression into bitterness. I really don't want to be crotchety 30-year-old!
One piece of the puzzle is that I am, always have been, an opposites chameleon. My friend at work, Lisa, is a social butterfly. Everyone loves her. And whenever I'm around very social people, I clam up. I let them shine and I take a backseat. If you are a leader, I'll be your follower. If you're a follower, I'll be your leader. It's not that I don't know who I am per se, it's that I am willing to be whatever...Is that unhealthy? IDK.
It seems like the more I experience (read: the older I get), the less willing I am to be tolerant. I thought that the older we got, the more tolerant we got? I suppose that in some ways, I am more open-minded than I once was, but I am way less tolerant. I am quicker to check out of a situation that isn't pleasing to me. If you piss me off or hurt me or even just annoy me, I'm out. I don't have time for your BS. That's a horrible way to be, I think...Do I want to change it? No. I really really really don't like drama. I have no patience for it and if you bring it into my world, I'm gonna kick you the fuck out. (I'm slightly more opinionated and harsh than I used to be...Or am I? IDK anymore!!) It's this weird mix of being MORE opinionated but expressing them to fewer people, and I just can't seem to wrap my head around it.
I don't have a very Christ-like attitude. I should really work on it...I've lost compassion. Maybe it's too many R-rated movies. LOL.
Anyway, that's where I'm at mentally. Physically, I'm sitting in my HOUSE! It's pretty sweet...except all the boxes still unpacked and the lack of time for painting/decorating and my lack of energy to clean when I get home from work...See! Vicious cycle. I start out positive and end up all grumpy. Crappy. Any suggestions?
Wednesday July 2, 2008
Needing a miracle
God,
This really isn't funny anymore. I can't handle the chaos in my world. I can't handle this down-to-the-wire plan You've got going. I adore You, Father, and I understand that it is all about Your timing, all about Your plans for me, Chris, Brytin, etc. Unfortunately, the call I got yesterday was NOT encouraging at ALL. I've been waiting by my phone for the title company to call, but as it turns out, they still don't even have the paperwork from CalVet. Lord, if they don't get it today, it will be impossible to close before we have to be out of our apartment. So, Lord, rather than spend the day fretting about how the rest of the week will play out, I lay it all at Your feet. Please, work it out quickly, cuz I don't have the mental capacity to continue caring.
UPDATE:
Just got a call from the realtor. Here's the story:
When our CalVet Loan Officer Linda finally submitted our papers Monday, she had the wrong information (a 30 year loan vs a 20-year loan). When the papers were received at the Sacramento Regional Office, they were rejected.
Yesterday, Linda resubmitted them with the correct loan terms. Because they were a "resubmittal" they had to be reviewed by the Regional Manager. Apparently, Linda didn't submit all our explanations for our various things that were questionable on our credit reports, so the Regional Manager then was going to deny us.
Our realtor spent all day speaking with Linda, the Regional Manager and faxing paperwork on our behalf.
Finally, at noon today, Ann heard from Linda and we have been approved. The paperwork was FedEx'd to the escrow office either last night or this morning. We will be able to sign them tomorrow or Monday (whenever they call me).
Thankfully, our realtor is the owner of this house, so they have agreed to let us move in on Friday regardless of whether or not the papers are signed. We WILL be moving in THIS FRIDAY! Yeah!
God is a miracle worker for sure!
God,
This really isn't funny anymore. I can't handle the chaos in my world. I can't handle this down-to-the-wire plan You've got going. I adore You, Father, and I understand that it is all about Your timing, all about Your plans for me, Chris, Brytin, etc. Unfortunately, the call I got yesterday was NOT encouraging at ALL. I've been waiting by my phone for the title company to call, but as it turns out, they still don't even have the paperwork from CalVet. Lord, if they don't get it today, it will be impossible to close before we have to be out of our apartment. So, Lord, rather than spend the day fretting about how the rest of the week will play out, I lay it all at Your feet. Please, work it out quickly, cuz I don't have the mental capacity to continue caring.
UPDATE:
Just got a call from the realtor. Here's the story:
When our CalVet Loan Officer Linda finally submitted our papers Monday, she had the wrong information (a 30 year loan vs a 20-year loan). When the papers were received at the Sacramento Regional Office, they were rejected.
Yesterday, Linda resubmitted them with the correct loan terms. Because they were a "resubmittal" they had to be reviewed by the Regional Manager. Apparently, Linda didn't submit all our explanations for our various things that were questionable on our credit reports, so the Regional Manager then was going to deny us.
Our realtor spent all day speaking with Linda, the Regional Manager and faxing paperwork on our behalf.
Finally, at noon today, Ann heard from Linda and we have been approved. The paperwork was FedEx'd to the escrow office either last night or this morning. We will be able to sign them tomorrow or Monday (whenever they call me).
Thankfully, our realtor is the owner of this house, so they have agreed to let us move in on Friday regardless of whether or not the papers are signed. We WILL be moving in THIS FRIDAY! Yeah!
God is a miracle worker for sure!
Thursday June 12, 2008
ugh
Current mood: aggravated
I just wrote the most awesome blog I'd ever written and somehow it just disappeared....Damn Myspace! It was so great...It was free therapy. I totally learned something through the vomiting of my brain. DAMN IT!
New lesson for 6/11/08: Write blogs in Word and then cut and paste it into Myspace.
DAMN IT!
The end result of that blog was that the current time of chaos in my life is not even about me. The last two years had been all about building my dream life and now is Chris's time. Though I am not having any fun in this awful time of transistion, Chris's joy in his family and in his home make it all worth it.
The blog was WAY better than that stupid paragraph I just wrote. DAM MYSPACE!
2 am...I couldn't sleep, so I figured I would try to recreate the blog. It went something like this - the original was still better, but this is pretty close.
I understand that sometimes things must be broken down in order to be built up again.
I understand that things that are not appreciated should be taken away.
I understand that what doesn't kill me can only make me stronger.
I understand. I do.
But, seriously?! Really?!! In one fell swoop, my job that I love and am really good at, my home that I love and am really comfortable in, and my husband that I love and am really really attached to are all, in various ways, being taken from me. It's too much at one time. It's just too much for me.
In a few weeks, we are moving to San Diego. I know that the future holds a life that is awesomely amazingly beautifully crazy good for Chris, Brytin and I. I know that once we move to San Diego and I find a new job, our life will be better.
But the present isn't bad. I'm all for continuous improvements in life. Progress is good. I just feel like it is unfair to make all these major changes at once. I DID NOT ASK FOR BETTER. I do not need better, I am perfectly happy with the way that it was.
I trust in God's perfect timing. I trust in God's infinite wisdom and ability to see the bigger picture. I trust that God works all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:26). How do I live out loud the trust I have and still tolerate the chaos around me? How do I embrace the future while I mourn the past?
I do not feel as though I took for granted any of the blessings God bestowed on me the past two years. I love my job, and I have done it to the best of my ability. I love the home I have created with Chris, and Brytin loves it too. And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my time with Chris was NOT taken for granted. So why is he not here right now?
I don't think I am whining in asking these questions. But maybe I am. Maybe, I need an attitude adjustment. Maybe I need to just "get over it." It's just not that easy for me.
Oh. Okay. Maybe it's not even about me…My husband commutes 180 miles a day. My husband only gets to see his son a few times a month. My husband has only lived in apartments. Chris probably wasn't "perfectly happy" with the present circumstances. Maybe the past two years were all about creating my dream life and now is Chris's time.
Huh. I love blogging.
Current mood: aggravated
I just wrote the most awesome blog I'd ever written and somehow it just disappeared....Damn Myspace! It was so great...It was free therapy. I totally learned something through the vomiting of my brain. DAMN IT!
New lesson for 6/11/08: Write blogs in Word and then cut and paste it into Myspace.
DAMN IT!
The end result of that blog was that the current time of chaos in my life is not even about me. The last two years had been all about building my dream life and now is Chris's time. Though I am not having any fun in this awful time of transistion, Chris's joy in his family and in his home make it all worth it.
The blog was WAY better than that stupid paragraph I just wrote. DAM MYSPACE!
2 am...I couldn't sleep, so I figured I would try to recreate the blog. It went something like this - the original was still better, but this is pretty close.
I understand that sometimes things must be broken down in order to be built up again.
I understand that things that are not appreciated should be taken away.
I understand that what doesn't kill me can only make me stronger.
I understand. I do.
But, seriously?! Really?!! In one fell swoop, my job that I love and am really good at, my home that I love and am really comfortable in, and my husband that I love and am really really attached to are all, in various ways, being taken from me. It's too much at one time. It's just too much for me.
In a few weeks, we are moving to San Diego. I know that the future holds a life that is awesomely amazingly beautifully crazy good for Chris, Brytin and I. I know that once we move to San Diego and I find a new job, our life will be better.
But the present isn't bad. I'm all for continuous improvements in life. Progress is good. I just feel like it is unfair to make all these major changes at once. I DID NOT ASK FOR BETTER. I do not need better, I am perfectly happy with the way that it was.
I trust in God's perfect timing. I trust in God's infinite wisdom and ability to see the bigger picture. I trust that God works all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:26). How do I live out loud the trust I have and still tolerate the chaos around me? How do I embrace the future while I mourn the past?
I do not feel as though I took for granted any of the blessings God bestowed on me the past two years. I love my job, and I have done it to the best of my ability. I love the home I have created with Chris, and Brytin loves it too. And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my time with Chris was NOT taken for granted. So why is he not here right now?
I don't think I am whining in asking these questions. But maybe I am. Maybe, I need an attitude adjustment. Maybe I need to just "get over it." It's just not that easy for me.
Oh. Okay. Maybe it's not even about me…My husband commutes 180 miles a day. My husband only gets to see his son a few times a month. My husband has only lived in apartments. Chris probably wasn't "perfectly happy" with the present circumstances. Maybe the past two years were all about creating my dream life and now is Chris's time.
Huh. I love blogging.
Thursday May 22, 2008
The List
Current mood: cheerful
Leslie's list of things she loves/things that make her happy: (it's an on-going list - IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER)
The email from my husband "22 things that make my life great"
Brytin's laugh
Here's what I said in front of the crowd at Share Night:
"I had the pleasure of sitting with some students before class starts (providing leaders the opportunity to pray before their service). This is such a wonderful 10 or 15 minutes of my time. The kids probably find me annoying or odd, but I just LOVE talking to them. Like the sister that sat at Jesus' feet to listen, every week I would just plop down and soak up whatever they were willing to share - school, music, vacations, family, Bible study, friends - whatever. I can never remember their names and I can barely remember details from week to week, but for those 10 or 15 minutes, I did not think about work or bills or relationships. I just felt God's peace, joy and love. We're always told to find God in the every day little things, and truthfully, I finally did as a pre-class payer volunteer at BSF."
Programs for servicemembers
People who appreciate servicemembers
ChaCha on my back porch wearing Chris's sweatpants
Chris's obsession with root beer
KFC
Paying off the IRS - I pray I never ever owe them money again
Coupon Clipping
Cake Donuts
Real Friends
Learning
Cooking delicious food
Doing my job well - efficiently, correctly, and with a smile!
Seeing my husband EVERY DAY
Snuggling with each of my cats in their favorite places
Jesus
Keeping in touch with friends
Long phone conversations with my mom, with Amy, with Chris
Seeing flowers while on a walk around the neighborhood
Riding shotgun while Chris drives where ever he feels like going
Laughing
Writing
My Ruth Mayer painting "Via Dela Rosa"
Stand-Up Comedy On-Demand
Seeing people falling in love
Silly songs
Hugging Chris while he does the dishes
Laughing with Amy
Seeing Brytin and Chris play together
Compliments
Clothes that complement my body
Reading and learning from the Bible
Knitting
Magazines and on-line articles
Whenever Chris makes me laugh
Paying bills/Balancing checkbook
Hugging candles
Reading
Putting on make-up and doing my hair
Skirts
Fuzzy puppies
Kittens
My bed – the pillows, the comforter, the mattress are perfect!
My back porch with the twinkle lights
Watching B movies that Chris likes (ie anime or movies about racing or kung fu stories)
My kitchen
My living room shelves
Dreaming/Planning for the future
I read this article in my newest Woman's Day magazine. (I know, I know, but I really like the magazine.) http://www.womansday.com/health/12990/celebrate-every-day.html
It wasn't necessarily a fabulous article, but it was filled with nuggets of usefulness. Allow me to summarize for you.
"When you look for reasons to celebrate – no matter how small – you increase your happiness."
"Highlighting the positives in your life and feeling the joy they bring can really be very simple. For example, the next time your child says 'Thank you,' take a second to appreciate what a great little person he's become."
"Happiness is really just an accumulation of a bunch of joyous moments…These bursts of bliss leave you feeling more optimistic and content. Building up joy reserves, one little instance at a time, makes you happier and healthier."
"This is not an instinctual habit…Our first instinct is to see the negative before the positive. Think about how neighbors unite in gossiping about a new family on the block. Or parents who bond by complaining about their kids' Little League coach…Instead of looking for positives in people, we focus on negatives. There is power in negativity, but probably not the kind you should harness to live your happiest life…Such talk makes you feel like you are a part of a group, but we are eroding each other…The more people see themselves as victims, the unhappier they are."
"If we live life thinking 'I'll be happier when ____ happens' we miss the moment-to-moment joys that really do make a difference."
"It's easy to remember good things when they are big…The trick is to dial down your definition of a celebration. 'Think of it with a lowercase c.' Paying attention and savoring the stuff you really love enables you to retrain your brain – you'll start to focus on the small things. And once you change your mindset, the positive experiences will begin to pile up."
One lady in the article started making lists of things she loves i.e. "seeing her husband at the end of the day and being around fresh flowers."
"Feeling that ALL things are important erodes our positive emotions. The more you rush through life, the less time blissful moments have to imprint on your brain."
"Once you begin actively looking for joy-making moments, you will find that they come from the most unexpected places."
Current mood: cheerful
Leslie's list of things she loves/things that make her happy: (it's an on-going list - IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER)
The email from my husband "22 things that make my life great"
Brytin's laugh
Here's what I said in front of the crowd at Share Night:
"I had the pleasure of sitting with some students before class starts (providing leaders the opportunity to pray before their service). This is such a wonderful 10 or 15 minutes of my time. The kids probably find me annoying or odd, but I just LOVE talking to them. Like the sister that sat at Jesus' feet to listen, every week I would just plop down and soak up whatever they were willing to share - school, music, vacations, family, Bible study, friends - whatever. I can never remember their names and I can barely remember details from week to week, but for those 10 or 15 minutes, I did not think about work or bills or relationships. I just felt God's peace, joy and love. We're always told to find God in the every day little things, and truthfully, I finally did as a pre-class payer volunteer at BSF."
Programs for servicemembers
People who appreciate servicemembers
ChaCha on my back porch wearing Chris's sweatpants
Chris's obsession with root beer
KFC
Paying off the IRS - I pray I never ever owe them money again
Coupon Clipping
Cake Donuts
Real Friends
Learning
Cooking delicious food
Doing my job well - efficiently, correctly, and with a smile!
Seeing my husband EVERY DAY
Snuggling with each of my cats in their favorite places
Jesus
Keeping in touch with friends
Long phone conversations with my mom, with Amy, with Chris
Seeing flowers while on a walk around the neighborhood
Riding shotgun while Chris drives where ever he feels like going
Laughing
Writing
My Ruth Mayer painting "Via Dela Rosa"
Stand-Up Comedy On-Demand
Seeing people falling in love
Silly songs
Hugging Chris while he does the dishes
Laughing with Amy
Seeing Brytin and Chris play together
Compliments
Clothes that complement my body
Reading and learning from the Bible
Knitting
Magazines and on-line articles
Whenever Chris makes me laugh
Paying bills/Balancing checkbook
Hugging candles
Reading
Putting on make-up and doing my hair
Skirts
Fuzzy puppies
Kittens
My bed – the pillows, the comforter, the mattress are perfect!
My back porch with the twinkle lights
Watching B movies that Chris likes (ie anime or movies about racing or kung fu stories)
My kitchen
My living room shelves
Dreaming/Planning for the future
I read this article in my newest Woman's Day magazine. (I know, I know, but I really like the magazine.) http://www.womansday.com/health/12990/celebrate-every-day.html
It wasn't necessarily a fabulous article, but it was filled with nuggets of usefulness. Allow me to summarize for you.
"When you look for reasons to celebrate – no matter how small – you increase your happiness."
"Highlighting the positives in your life and feeling the joy they bring can really be very simple. For example, the next time your child says 'Thank you,' take a second to appreciate what a great little person he's become."
"Happiness is really just an accumulation of a bunch of joyous moments…These bursts of bliss leave you feeling more optimistic and content. Building up joy reserves, one little instance at a time, makes you happier and healthier."
"This is not an instinctual habit…Our first instinct is to see the negative before the positive. Think about how neighbors unite in gossiping about a new family on the block. Or parents who bond by complaining about their kids' Little League coach…Instead of looking for positives in people, we focus on negatives. There is power in negativity, but probably not the kind you should harness to live your happiest life…Such talk makes you feel like you are a part of a group, but we are eroding each other…The more people see themselves as victims, the unhappier they are."
"If we live life thinking 'I'll be happier when ____ happens' we miss the moment-to-moment joys that really do make a difference."
"It's easy to remember good things when they are big…The trick is to dial down your definition of a celebration. 'Think of it with a lowercase c.' Paying attention and savoring the stuff you really love enables you to retrain your brain – you'll start to focus on the small things. And once you change your mindset, the positive experiences will begin to pile up."
One lady in the article started making lists of things she loves i.e. "seeing her husband at the end of the day and being around fresh flowers."
"Feeling that ALL things are important erodes our positive emotions. The more you rush through life, the less time blissful moments have to imprint on your brain."
"Once you begin actively looking for joy-making moments, you will find that they come from the most unexpected places."
Wednesday May 21, 2008
more thoughts
Current mood: contemplative
Ever have so many thoughts running through your head you don't really know where to start? I do. Often.
David Cook RULES!
I'm gonna miss Rados. It's quirky. It fits me. It's annoying and frustrating and challenging, but everyday something makes me laugh so hard I can't breath. EVERY day. Like the day I told David that a cocaine habit would cure his sinus problems. Or today when I convinced the CFO that I can teleport and then proceeded to fight with him about the merits of a 10-sack of White Castle cheeseburgers. Or the time I almost kicked my sandal into the President's head...Seriously. Funny shit. I might even miss Brad. Probly not. But I might.
I am excited to "start fresh" in San Diego. Me, Chris, Brytin, new home, new job, and hopefully I'll get back my sunny disposition. (insert dimply smile here) I just don't like change. I used to welcome God's curve balls with open arms. Now, not so much. I don't know if it's age or if it's because I love my life right now, but whatever it is, I need to get over it. Change is inevitable (especially as a MilSpouse).
Did you know that I've completed seven years of Bible Study Fellowship? This year the study was the book of Matthew. Our last night of the year, we have what's called "Share Night," where women can stand in front of the crowd and publicly praise God for whatever He did the last nine months. In sitting through this hokey evening, I FINALLY heard what God needed me to learn this year. I missed it ALL year, but finally, I think I got it. Ready?
"I can trust in God's perfect timing."
I know, I know, it's not earth-shattering, BUT it is exactly what I should have learned from Matthew's version of the events of Jesus' life. All year, I tried to trust God, but I couldn't. It was too big of a step for me. I trusted Him once, and I got kicked in the teeth. I have been sinfully reluctant to even consider trying it again. But trusting in His TIMING is feasible. I'm not trying to "pick and chose parts of the Bible." I'm just saying that trusting His timing is a great baby step in the right direction.
I can trust that Chris got orders to San Diego in His perfect timing. I can trust that Chris isn't going to Hawaii this summer because God knew we'd be moving this summer. I can trust that Creekside is kicking us out of our apartment in His perfect timing. I can trust that our housing will be lined up in His perfect timing (any minute now, God, would be ideal). I can trust that I will complete my job with Rados and find a new job in His perfect timing. You see? Trusting His timing is something tangible I can latch onto. The general idea of putting my complete trust in Him wasn't something my mind could incorporate into my daily life. But, from this point forward, with prayer and diligence, I will trust in God's perfect timing.
Mike won't be home for a long time yet :( But when he gets here, I'm gonna give him a HUGE hug!
Brytin will be staying with us this weekend and next. Yeah! Hopefully there is no ear-slicing this time. Joey will be VERY happy to have Chris and Brytin here the day after next.
I guess that's about it for now...Thanks for listening :)
Current mood: contemplative
Ever have so many thoughts running through your head you don't really know where to start? I do. Often.
David Cook RULES!
I'm gonna miss Rados. It's quirky. It fits me. It's annoying and frustrating and challenging, but everyday something makes me laugh so hard I can't breath. EVERY day. Like the day I told David that a cocaine habit would cure his sinus problems. Or today when I convinced the CFO that I can teleport and then proceeded to fight with him about the merits of a 10-sack of White Castle cheeseburgers. Or the time I almost kicked my sandal into the President's head...Seriously. Funny shit. I might even miss Brad. Probly not. But I might.
I am excited to "start fresh" in San Diego. Me, Chris, Brytin, new home, new job, and hopefully I'll get back my sunny disposition. (insert dimply smile here) I just don't like change. I used to welcome God's curve balls with open arms. Now, not so much. I don't know if it's age or if it's because I love my life right now, but whatever it is, I need to get over it. Change is inevitable (especially as a MilSpouse).
Did you know that I've completed seven years of Bible Study Fellowship? This year the study was the book of Matthew. Our last night of the year, we have what's called "Share Night," where women can stand in front of the crowd and publicly praise God for whatever He did the last nine months. In sitting through this hokey evening, I FINALLY heard what God needed me to learn this year. I missed it ALL year, but finally, I think I got it. Ready?
"I can trust in God's perfect timing."
I know, I know, it's not earth-shattering, BUT it is exactly what I should have learned from Matthew's version of the events of Jesus' life. All year, I tried to trust God, but I couldn't. It was too big of a step for me. I trusted Him once, and I got kicked in the teeth. I have been sinfully reluctant to even consider trying it again. But trusting in His TIMING is feasible. I'm not trying to "pick and chose parts of the Bible." I'm just saying that trusting His timing is a great baby step in the right direction.
I can trust that Chris got orders to San Diego in His perfect timing. I can trust that Chris isn't going to Hawaii this summer because God knew we'd be moving this summer. I can trust that Creekside is kicking us out of our apartment in His perfect timing. I can trust that our housing will be lined up in His perfect timing (any minute now, God, would be ideal). I can trust that I will complete my job with Rados and find a new job in His perfect timing. You see? Trusting His timing is something tangible I can latch onto. The general idea of putting my complete trust in Him wasn't something my mind could incorporate into my daily life. But, from this point forward, with prayer and diligence, I will trust in God's perfect timing.
Mike won't be home for a long time yet :( But when he gets here, I'm gonna give him a HUGE hug!
Brytin will be staying with us this weekend and next. Yeah! Hopefully there is no ear-slicing this time. Joey will be VERY happy to have Chris and Brytin here the day after next.
I guess that's about it for now...Thanks for listening :)
Monday May 5, 2008
Shame
Current mood: pensive
I was struck with a heartbreaking revelation this week while doing my BSF lesson on Matthew 27. I have no idea if my thoughts are theologically right or wrong, but it is an interesting idea to ponder...
According to Scripture, Jesus did not sin. That would mean to me, that He never felt shame. Until He was up on that cross and bore all my sins. Then, like Adam and Eve in the garden, realized He was naked and felt ashamed....
He never had anything to be ashamed of until He was imputed with my sins. That makes me so sad. Shame is a gut-wrenching, horrific emotion, caused solely by sin. A person would do well to never feel that emotion in their life. It breaks my heart that Jesus had to feel it because of me.
Current mood: pensive
I was struck with a heartbreaking revelation this week while doing my BSF lesson on Matthew 27. I have no idea if my thoughts are theologically right or wrong, but it is an interesting idea to ponder...
According to Scripture, Jesus did not sin. That would mean to me, that He never felt shame. Until He was up on that cross and bore all my sins. Then, like Adam and Eve in the garden, realized He was naked and felt ashamed....
He never had anything to be ashamed of until He was imputed with my sins. That makes me so sad. Shame is a gut-wrenching, horrific emotion, caused solely by sin. A person would do well to never feel that emotion in their life. It breaks my heart that Jesus had to feel it because of me.
Thursday April 24, 2008
omfg
Current mood: pissed off
TWO people (who do not talk to each other) have said in the last month that I make them uncomfortable and that I am judgmental. Verbatim. No joke. TWO people have said the exact same thing about me in exactly 30 days.
Now, because of what I know of both of these individuals, I am tempted to chalk it up to jealousy or bitterness or negativity or some other piss-poor excuse. BUT at the same time, TWO people who never talk to each other coming to the SAME conclusion, warrants more attention than a shrug of the shoulders. Lord knows, I don't WANT to be judgmental or make people uncomfortable.
That brings me to another point...I really wish the word "judgmental" did not exist in the English language. 99 percent of the time, it's a cop-out from someone who doesn't want to deal with reality.
First of all, EVERYONE has an opinion. Everyone has a right to have their opinion.
Second of all, I have previously been judgmental in my life, but I know that these two individuals have NOT been judged by me. Over the last couple years, I have grown to understand a lot better exactly who I am in the sight of God, thus rendering any "judgment" I have pointless.
I do, however, as a human being, have opinions. Is that wrong? No. When its wrong is when I voice those opinions with the intent of hurting people or making others feel shitty. I DO NOT DO THAT. I share my opinions with my husband or Amy or Channing - people whom I think understand me and where I'm coming from. I share these opinions with the hope of gaining a better understanding of human beings. Why do they make stupid decisions? Why do they go about their lives in this manner? Why do they do thus and such? It's not wrong to have conversations about human beings.
So...what the hell do I do now?
Do I change whatever it is I am doing?
Do I NOT change anything about me and just pray that they would see the error in their judgments?
Current mood: pissed off
TWO people (who do not talk to each other) have said in the last month that I make them uncomfortable and that I am judgmental. Verbatim. No joke. TWO people have said the exact same thing about me in exactly 30 days.
Now, because of what I know of both of these individuals, I am tempted to chalk it up to jealousy or bitterness or negativity or some other piss-poor excuse. BUT at the same time, TWO people who never talk to each other coming to the SAME conclusion, warrants more attention than a shrug of the shoulders. Lord knows, I don't WANT to be judgmental or make people uncomfortable.
That brings me to another point...I really wish the word "judgmental" did not exist in the English language. 99 percent of the time, it's a cop-out from someone who doesn't want to deal with reality.
First of all, EVERYONE has an opinion. Everyone has a right to have their opinion.
Second of all, I have previously been judgmental in my life, but I know that these two individuals have NOT been judged by me. Over the last couple years, I have grown to understand a lot better exactly who I am in the sight of God, thus rendering any "judgment" I have pointless.
I do, however, as a human being, have opinions. Is that wrong? No. When its wrong is when I voice those opinions with the intent of hurting people or making others feel shitty. I DO NOT DO THAT. I share my opinions with my husband or Amy or Channing - people whom I think understand me and where I'm coming from. I share these opinions with the hope of gaining a better understanding of human beings. Why do they make stupid decisions? Why do they go about their lives in this manner? Why do they do thus and such? It's not wrong to have conversations about human beings.
So...what the hell do I do now?
Do I change whatever it is I am doing?
Do I NOT change anything about me and just pray that they would see the error in their judgments?
Monday April 14, 2008
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Current mood: betrayed
It doesn't matter how much integrity I have, because the whole world is based on perception anyway. It's like no matter how "straight-up" I conduct myself, someone always perceives me as shady or deceptive anyway. And those who KNOW me don't even bother to stick up for me. It's such bullshit.
I don't think the solution is to just throw my hands up and walk away. But at the same time, how long can the same fight be fought? How long can one stand getting beat up and then kicked while they are down?
Paul...I don't have the time to look for the verse right now, but Paul says that for Christ he'll take the beatings over and over and over. To suffer is to gain in Christ. But HOW is God glorified in the bullshit I deal with on a day-to-day basis? Seriously? I do my best to act according to God's standards, but if everyone just keeps attacking me anyway, WHAT GOOD AM I REALLY DOING?!!
Current mood: betrayed
It doesn't matter how much integrity I have, because the whole world is based on perception anyway. It's like no matter how "straight-up" I conduct myself, someone always perceives me as shady or deceptive anyway. And those who KNOW me don't even bother to stick up for me. It's such bullshit.
I don't think the solution is to just throw my hands up and walk away. But at the same time, how long can the same fight be fought? How long can one stand getting beat up and then kicked while they are down?
Paul...I don't have the time to look for the verse right now, but Paul says that for Christ he'll take the beatings over and over and over. To suffer is to gain in Christ. But HOW is God glorified in the bullshit I deal with on a day-to-day basis? Seriously? I do my best to act according to God's standards, but if everyone just keeps attacking me anyway, WHAT GOOD AM I REALLY DOING?!!
Thursday April 10, 2008
My Man
Current mood: blessed
Any words I can put on a page can't even begin to describe my husband, but I want to try. If you don't know him, you should make it a point to get to know him. Your world will be better with him in it.
He is amazing. He is funny. He is intelligent. He is diligent. He is worthy of all my love and pride and time. He is responsible. He is calm and patient. He truly is an anamoly amongst men. He listens to me - whether I am talking about drama between girls or a silly television show or about my feelings. He really really listens. And he responds. Not just with words of advice to fix the problem, but also with empathy and genuine concern. He responds with actions, too. He truly wants nothing but my happiness and will stop at NOTHING to make it happen. He is willing to set himself aside to meet me where I am at. (Thankfully, I am a good little wife and don't EVER take advantage of that.)
Christopher David Broussard is the most amazing partner God could have ever given to me. He is my opposite but my most perfect complement. He brings balance to my histrionics. He brings realism to my optimism. He is a servant leader.
I love talking to him. I love dreaming with him. I love plotting and planning our future with him. I love going on adventures with him. I love sitting on the couch and watching whatever movie he is in the mood to watch with him. I love watching him interact with the cats.
He is a natural-born father. I wish you could see him with Brytin. It is such a joy to witness them interact. Everytime I have the opportunity to watch them together, all my hope for this world is restored. Brytin is very blessed to have a man of his caliber as a father.
I am so thankful he is in my life. I am so thankful that I have it in me to appreciate him in all his glory - as a husband, as a father, as a provider and a friend.
Current mood: blessed
Any words I can put on a page can't even begin to describe my husband, but I want to try. If you don't know him, you should make it a point to get to know him. Your world will be better with him in it.
He is amazing. He is funny. He is intelligent. He is diligent. He is worthy of all my love and pride and time. He is responsible. He is calm and patient. He truly is an anamoly amongst men. He listens to me - whether I am talking about drama between girls or a silly television show or about my feelings. He really really listens. And he responds. Not just with words of advice to fix the problem, but also with empathy and genuine concern. He responds with actions, too. He truly wants nothing but my happiness and will stop at NOTHING to make it happen. He is willing to set himself aside to meet me where I am at. (Thankfully, I am a good little wife and don't EVER take advantage of that.)
Christopher David Broussard is the most amazing partner God could have ever given to me. He is my opposite but my most perfect complement. He brings balance to my histrionics. He brings realism to my optimism. He is a servant leader.
I love talking to him. I love dreaming with him. I love plotting and planning our future with him. I love going on adventures with him. I love sitting on the couch and watching whatever movie he is in the mood to watch with him. I love watching him interact with the cats.
He is a natural-born father. I wish you could see him with Brytin. It is such a joy to witness them interact. Everytime I have the opportunity to watch them together, all my hope for this world is restored. Brytin is very blessed to have a man of his caliber as a father.
I am so thankful he is in my life. I am so thankful that I have it in me to appreciate him in all his glory - as a husband, as a father, as a provider and a friend.
Wednesday April 9, 2008
Ramblings
Current mood: lonely
Respect. It’s an interesting notion. Is it earned? Or is it only lost? Each person has such a different view of respect. How does God expect human beings to ever get along without agreeing on this one tantamount issue?
Truth is, respect in and of itself, is not a big issue to me. Kindness is more important to me. Maybe the two are one and the same. Or maybe it takes all the fruit of the Spirit to be respectful.
In my opinion, my only enemies are myself and the devil. Everyone else gets at least the courtesy of being human. Now, I will be the first to admit that there are humans whom I have a difficult time being courteous to, but I do at least try.
I’ve learned some pretty difficult lessons in 2008. I don’t desire to go into details, but at the same time, I hope I never forget them so that I never have a quarter like the one I’ve just lived through. People that I have loved and trusted and cared for have all but slapped me in the face - some of them repeatedly. I think I may have even gotten kicked in the teeth for the first time since Birthday Week 2005. Thankfully, God has revealed to me my own part in creating the chaos that is and was. There are definitely some things about myself I need to change to avoid any future recurrences of said drama.
Phillipians 4:29 says "Do not let unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." I pray that God would put a guard over my mouth so that I will not say what I should not.
I know that between humans, conflict is normal. Any two people who have regular encounters will eventually have conflict. I do not set out to irritate or offend; it just happens because I am human. An excerpt from an email I received says "Accepting conflicts as a fact of life helps us deal with it better. And it’s important to remember that conflicts are not destructive in themselves. It’s the way we handle them that determines how destructive they may become."
The best outcome I can hope for in any conflict is that I would look at my faults -listen to others’ opinions that reveal my failures and weaknesses. I have no desire to focus on the speck in my brother’s eye when mine has a log in it. One of the greatest "A-ha!" moments in the Bible for me is when Jesus says, "Let him without sin cast the first stone." And then he forgives the sinner. He was the only one in the crowd who could have thrown a stone at the sinner, but instead He showed her mercy. I try so hard to be like that - not that I have the authority to forgive sin, but to be graceful about it. There is no reason for me to point out someone else’s indiscretions when I commit plenty to soak up my attention.
I pray that I could continue on this path of enlightenment...Though it has been emotionally draining to learn all the things I have learned in the last couple years, I know that I am a much better wife, friend and follower of Christ.
Current mood: lonely
Respect. It’s an interesting notion. Is it earned? Or is it only lost? Each person has such a different view of respect. How does God expect human beings to ever get along without agreeing on this one tantamount issue?
Truth is, respect in and of itself, is not a big issue to me. Kindness is more important to me. Maybe the two are one and the same. Or maybe it takes all the fruit of the Spirit to be respectful.
In my opinion, my only enemies are myself and the devil. Everyone else gets at least the courtesy of being human. Now, I will be the first to admit that there are humans whom I have a difficult time being courteous to, but I do at least try.
I’ve learned some pretty difficult lessons in 2008. I don’t desire to go into details, but at the same time, I hope I never forget them so that I never have a quarter like the one I’ve just lived through. People that I have loved and trusted and cared for have all but slapped me in the face - some of them repeatedly. I think I may have even gotten kicked in the teeth for the first time since Birthday Week 2005. Thankfully, God has revealed to me my own part in creating the chaos that is and was. There are definitely some things about myself I need to change to avoid any future recurrences of said drama.
Phillipians 4:29 says "Do not let unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." I pray that God would put a guard over my mouth so that I will not say what I should not.
I know that between humans, conflict is normal. Any two people who have regular encounters will eventually have conflict. I do not set out to irritate or offend; it just happens because I am human. An excerpt from an email I received says "Accepting conflicts as a fact of life helps us deal with it better. And it’s important to remember that conflicts are not destructive in themselves. It’s the way we handle them that determines how destructive they may become."
The best outcome I can hope for in any conflict is that I would look at my faults -listen to others’ opinions that reveal my failures and weaknesses. I have no desire to focus on the speck in my brother’s eye when mine has a log in it. One of the greatest "A-ha!" moments in the Bible for me is when Jesus says, "Let him without sin cast the first stone." And then he forgives the sinner. He was the only one in the crowd who could have thrown a stone at the sinner, but instead He showed her mercy. I try so hard to be like that - not that I have the authority to forgive sin, but to be graceful about it. There is no reason for me to point out someone else’s indiscretions when I commit plenty to soak up my attention.
I pray that I could continue on this path of enlightenment...Though it has been emotionally draining to learn all the things I have learned in the last couple years, I know that I am a much better wife, friend and follower of Christ.
Saturday February 23, 2008
Nature vs. Nurture
Current mood:over it
Rick told Jess that for 7 years all he could think about in the silences of his world was "I need to bring my daughter home."
Jess asked him, "Did you ever once think that about Leslie?"
He matter-of-factly said, "No."
"Why? She's your daughter, too."
"Because she doesn't have the morals and values that you do."
And I cried. Not because there is a dillusional man and his family who are so wrong about me and don't care to correct their mindset. But because the man whom God chose to create me refuses to know me, to accept me and is so willing to believe the bad stuff, the lies.
I cry because the man whose blood runs through my veins is not a man who is worthy. I struggle with that today, because I've always given him the benefit of the doubt. Even last week, when Joe asked me "What kind of man is Rick?" I told him that to the best of knowledge, he is a stand-up guy. He has the best of intentions; he is just grossly misguided.
I dont know why, God, you have given me such a sunny disposition, such an infinite naivety. THREE times now this very week, my faith in people has been proven wrong. How am I so well-adjusted that I just let this stuff roll off my back? Seriously? Is it possible that I am just stuffing the emotion and will some day end up bitter? I don't think so. It is very easy for me to say, "Rick's loss," and accept the love of Mom, Brian, Jess, Joe, Chris, Amy, etc as more than enough to replace him. It's like you, God, My Heavenly Father, have filled the void created by that ridiculous man...
I cry because he is missing out. I cry because he is not living up to his God-given potential as a man, a father. I cry because, I am almost sure, You cry. He is a disappointment and I don't think You intended for him to be as such. I cry because it would seem as though Jesus is not in his heart...
And now I cry because I think of Brian...He did the best he could with what he had...And even though he's quite crazy and not always nice, he would never ever ever say that I am void of all moral character.
For many years, I was angry with him. Eventually, I got over it and accepted what the therapist said, "He did the best he could with what he had." And today, I feel as though I owe him a thank you, or an explanation, or credit...I'm assuming that from his perspective, he thinks I do not give him credit. He doesn't realize that I do, I have. Specifically, my thoughts are, "His methods were fucked up, but something he did was right, because I turned out to be an amazing woman. I love who I am, and I know Brian is a part of that."
I want him to know this. I want him to know I appreciate how much he adores my husband. It means so much to me that he was at our wedding.
I don't know if I have or ever will actually forgive him for the shit he has done, but the truth is, I have forgotten.
Lord, I thank you for all the beautiful people in my life today.
Current mood:over it
Rick told Jess that for 7 years all he could think about in the silences of his world was "I need to bring my daughter home."
Jess asked him, "Did you ever once think that about Leslie?"
He matter-of-factly said, "No."
"Why? She's your daughter, too."
"Because she doesn't have the morals and values that you do."
And I cried. Not because there is a dillusional man and his family who are so wrong about me and don't care to correct their mindset. But because the man whom God chose to create me refuses to know me, to accept me and is so willing to believe the bad stuff, the lies.
I cry because the man whose blood runs through my veins is not a man who is worthy. I struggle with that today, because I've always given him the benefit of the doubt. Even last week, when Joe asked me "What kind of man is Rick?" I told him that to the best of knowledge, he is a stand-up guy. He has the best of intentions; he is just grossly misguided.
I dont know why, God, you have given me such a sunny disposition, such an infinite naivety. THREE times now this very week, my faith in people has been proven wrong. How am I so well-adjusted that I just let this stuff roll off my back? Seriously? Is it possible that I am just stuffing the emotion and will some day end up bitter? I don't think so. It is very easy for me to say, "Rick's loss," and accept the love of Mom, Brian, Jess, Joe, Chris, Amy, etc as more than enough to replace him. It's like you, God, My Heavenly Father, have filled the void created by that ridiculous man...
I cry because he is missing out. I cry because he is not living up to his God-given potential as a man, a father. I cry because, I am almost sure, You cry. He is a disappointment and I don't think You intended for him to be as such. I cry because it would seem as though Jesus is not in his heart...
And now I cry because I think of Brian...He did the best he could with what he had...And even though he's quite crazy and not always nice, he would never ever ever say that I am void of all moral character.
For many years, I was angry with him. Eventually, I got over it and accepted what the therapist said, "He did the best he could with what he had." And today, I feel as though I owe him a thank you, or an explanation, or credit...I'm assuming that from his perspective, he thinks I do not give him credit. He doesn't realize that I do, I have. Specifically, my thoughts are, "His methods were fucked up, but something he did was right, because I turned out to be an amazing woman. I love who I am, and I know Brian is a part of that."
I want him to know this. I want him to know I appreciate how much he adores my husband. It means so much to me that he was at our wedding.
I don't know if I have or ever will actually forgive him for the shit he has done, but the truth is, I have forgotten.
Lord, I thank you for all the beautiful people in my life today.
Sunday February 17, 2008
Heartitude
Current mood:compassionate
Jesus said, "I desire compassion, not a sacrifice."
The Pharisees followed every rule imaginable, but had no problem plotting murder on the Sabbath. Only the Good Samaritan helped the injured chap on the side of the road. Christians throughout time have stereotypically been the most judgmental, most condemning and the most hypocritical in a crowd. (Did you know the Catholics didn't apologize to Galileo until 1992?)
Our heart's attitude is what God cares about. No food we eat (or don't eat), no commandment we follow to perfection, no amount of money we donate to someone in need can erase our sins or prove to those around us that Jesus is the Way.
Herod enjoyed listening to John the Baptist, but refused to renege on an impulsive oath in front of his friends. His heart was full of pride rather than love, so he murdered John and served his head on a platter to his wife...A little extreme, but a real example of how pride in our selves can prevent God's love from shining through us.
I pray that today, at least once, I can be filled with compassion for one's of God's beloved.
Current mood:compassionate
Jesus said, "I desire compassion, not a sacrifice."
The Pharisees followed every rule imaginable, but had no problem plotting murder on the Sabbath. Only the Good Samaritan helped the injured chap on the side of the road. Christians throughout time have stereotypically been the most judgmental, most condemning and the most hypocritical in a crowd. (Did you know the Catholics didn't apologize to Galileo until 1992?)
Our heart's attitude is what God cares about. No food we eat (or don't eat), no commandment we follow to perfection, no amount of money we donate to someone in need can erase our sins or prove to those around us that Jesus is the Way.
Herod enjoyed listening to John the Baptist, but refused to renege on an impulsive oath in front of his friends. His heart was full of pride rather than love, so he murdered John and served his head on a platter to his wife...A little extreme, but a real example of how pride in our selves can prevent God's love from shining through us.
I pray that today, at least once, I can be filled with compassion for one's of God's beloved.
Saturday February 9, 2008
laziass
I want to write more.
I want to clean more.
I want to keep in touch more.
I want to read more.
I want to finish school.
I want to pay off all my debts.
I want to make a difference in everyone's world.
I want to be an extra-super-awesome friend, wife, daughter, sister, employee.
But yet, I spend hours a day on the computer or watching stand up comedy or just feeling the warmth of the California sunshine...Laziass? Yes. Happy? Yes.
I want to write more.
I want to clean more.
I want to keep in touch more.
I want to read more.
I want to finish school.
I want to pay off all my debts.
I want to make a difference in everyone's world.
I want to be an extra-super-awesome friend, wife, daughter, sister, employee.
But yet, I spend hours a day on the computer or watching stand up comedy or just feeling the warmth of the California sunshine...Laziass? Yes. Happy? Yes.
Tuesday February 5, 2008
WHOA
Current mood: worried
So....I had a dream last night that I was pregnant...I've heard that biological clocks turn on in an unexpected instant...For the first time in 29 years, I think that I may get that "gotta have a baby syndrome." WHOA. That's huge.
For the record, I would be a horrible mother. Not only are my genes plagued with depression, alcoholism, pathological lying, addiction, psychosis, and every other horrible thing known to man, but I am ridiculously selfish, lazy, irritable and financially broke.
Realize that I know that God is infinitely wiser than I, so if I am to bear Chris's child(ren), I would be compliant and, more than likely, ECSTATIC. However, I do not want to ever NEED a child more than I need Jesus or my husband or my sanity.
WHOA. Dreams are stupid.
Items I do NOT want to buy anytime soon
Current mood: worried
So....I had a dream last night that I was pregnant...I've heard that biological clocks turn on in an unexpected instant...For the first time in 29 years, I think that I may get that "gotta have a baby syndrome." WHOA. That's huge.
For the record, I would be a horrible mother. Not only are my genes plagued with depression, alcoholism, pathological lying, addiction, psychosis, and every other horrible thing known to man, but I am ridiculously selfish, lazy, irritable and financially broke.
Realize that I know that God is infinitely wiser than I, so if I am to bear Chris's child(ren), I would be compliant and, more than likely, ECSTATIC. However, I do not want to ever NEED a child more than I need Jesus or my husband or my sanity.
WHOA. Dreams are stupid.
Items I do NOT want to buy anytime soon
Thursday September 6, 2007
Know it all...
Current mood: embarrassed
Reconnecting with an old friend this week reminded me of a time when I thought I knew it all...The circumstances of my life were completely different than they are today. I was like 22 or 23 or 24 (maybe I was 22 AND 23 AND 24). I was actively involved in a house church. I was intimate with Jesus. I read my Bible daily. I didn't watch R-rated movies or listen to "empty" music. I had a very tight group of friends. I was honestly trying to make my marriage happy, and believed that with God it was possible. I worked very hard at my job (like I was doing it for God). My living quarters were sufficiently comfortable. My bank account had enough to give a little bit to others. All was good. I really thought I had it all figured out.
In that mindset, I ostracized a lot of people. I spewed my one-sided opinions at people I cared about and hurt them (friends, family, co-workers - no one was neglected). My intentions were good, don't get me wrong. I genuinely wanted everyone to be as together as I was...It is fascinating to me to think back and see who I was. In my old age, I have learned so much more than I THOUGHT I knew.
Humility is a wonderful trait to possess. It prevents a LOT of foot-in-mouth bullshit.
A sense of my own mortality and a realization of the lack of omnipotence. I am not infinitely bigger than ANYONE.
A better understanding of how my actions, words, even my thoughts affect others.
Never ever ever say "never." God is bigger than any testament you can make.
And the most important, I think - no matter how intelligent I may be, no matter how magnetic my memory may be, I DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING. Nor do I know what is best for everyone who crosses my path.
I don't know that it was the crumbling of my marriage or my own separation from God or even something else that changed my opinions. I know that there are some people who stuck by me through that awful stage in my life (and the few relapses I've had), and I am forever greatful. I know that there are people in my life today that are wonderful examples of who I WANT to be, and I hope to do them proud. I know that I am glad my previous mindset no longer pervades my daily life.
I wonder, in 4 to 6 years, what will I think about my mindset today?
Current mood: embarrassed
Reconnecting with an old friend this week reminded me of a time when I thought I knew it all...The circumstances of my life were completely different than they are today. I was like 22 or 23 or 24 (maybe I was 22 AND 23 AND 24). I was actively involved in a house church. I was intimate with Jesus. I read my Bible daily. I didn't watch R-rated movies or listen to "empty" music. I had a very tight group of friends. I was honestly trying to make my marriage happy, and believed that with God it was possible. I worked very hard at my job (like I was doing it for God). My living quarters were sufficiently comfortable. My bank account had enough to give a little bit to others. All was good. I really thought I had it all figured out.
In that mindset, I ostracized a lot of people. I spewed my one-sided opinions at people I cared about and hurt them (friends, family, co-workers - no one was neglected). My intentions were good, don't get me wrong. I genuinely wanted everyone to be as together as I was...It is fascinating to me to think back and see who I was. In my old age, I have learned so much more than I THOUGHT I knew.
Humility is a wonderful trait to possess. It prevents a LOT of foot-in-mouth bullshit.
A sense of my own mortality and a realization of the lack of omnipotence. I am not infinitely bigger than ANYONE.
A better understanding of how my actions, words, even my thoughts affect others.
Never ever ever say "never." God is bigger than any testament you can make.
And the most important, I think - no matter how intelligent I may be, no matter how magnetic my memory may be, I DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING. Nor do I know what is best for everyone who crosses my path.
I don't know that it was the crumbling of my marriage or my own separation from God or even something else that changed my opinions. I know that there are some people who stuck by me through that awful stage in my life (and the few relapses I've had), and I am forever greatful. I know that there are people in my life today that are wonderful examples of who I WANT to be, and I hope to do them proud. I know that I am glad my previous mindset no longer pervades my daily life.
I wonder, in 4 to 6 years, what will I think about my mindset today?
Sunday June 2, 2007 (I didn't write this; just reposted an email)
Solutions?
Current mood: amused
Politicians wants us to cut the amount of gas we use.
The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants!
That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.
Next bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot.
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.
If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.
Problem solved.
Current mood: amused
Politicians wants us to cut the amount of gas we use.
The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants!
That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.
Next bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot.
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.
If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.
Problem solved.
Mature Love
mature love
Current mood:interested
The idea of "mature love" was first suggested to me in the book "Lies at the Altar" by Robin L. Smith. The idea has flabbergasted me for months now. The truth is, I suck at it.
What is it? It's the love of life-long beautiful marriages. Not the romantic love filled with infatuation that initially draws me to someone . Mature love is the stuff that comes after and lasts for 10, 20, even 70 years. It's day-to-day love. It's going to work everyday, cleaning the house every weekend and paying bills every month love. It's real love - with frustrations and conflict and real experiences. I don't know how to do it.
Like many others, I am addicted to romantic love. It has actually been scientifically proven that infatuation and romance are addicting. Similar to a runner's high, new lovers experience a spike in dopamine and norepinephrine (like adrenaline). Lovesickness is real...and when things settle down, I begin to fret about the state of the relationship scrutinizing every move, every word, every second of silence for a clue on how to "fix" it. I know, I am ridiculous. And only because there are no pressing issues in my relationshiop right now, I can write about this. But next week, I am sure I'll come up with something to get all spun up about.
I desire to head it off at the pass, though. I want to learn how to be a grown-up in a relationship. But in a year or so, when the infatuation wears off, what do I do?
Robin L. Smith says the first step is to "show up as a grown up." Not as a little girl fulfilling a fantasy, not as a teenager looking to offset the bad stuff from a childhood, not as a young adult trying to impress your friends.
I know that one of my biggest roadblocks to mature love is the unsettled crap between the father figures in my life and myself. I never got approval from my father or my stepfather and so I live and die by the approval of my significant other.
Smith also says, "Whatever we focus on is what grows." I know that I cannot change another, so I must focus on myself if I am ever to get this right. According to Suzanne Harill, "Healing your past, building self-esteem, dealing with feelings and speaking from your own experience" are all ways to change yourself in a relationship. Doing such things, will ultimately impact your partner, your relationship, and your future.
My friend once told me that marriage isn't meant to complete us, it is an opportunity to share our complete lives with someone special. I know that in order for a marriage to work, I have to find a way to let go of my expectations of a fairy tale. I know that I am on my way. I know that I have progressed in the last year, but I still have a ways to go. Hopefully, my partner is willing to be patient and to walk side by side with me as I take these steps toward mature love.
In my research, I found this article on the three stages of love. Check it out: http://www.womensmedia.com/relationships-love-stages.htm
Current mood:interested
The idea of "mature love" was first suggested to me in the book "Lies at the Altar" by Robin L. Smith. The idea has flabbergasted me for months now. The truth is, I suck at it.
What is it? It's the love of life-long beautiful marriages. Not the romantic love filled with infatuation that initially draws me to someone . Mature love is the stuff that comes after and lasts for 10, 20, even 70 years. It's day-to-day love. It's going to work everyday, cleaning the house every weekend and paying bills every month love. It's real love - with frustrations and conflict and real experiences. I don't know how to do it.
Like many others, I am addicted to romantic love. It has actually been scientifically proven that infatuation and romance are addicting. Similar to a runner's high, new lovers experience a spike in dopamine and norepinephrine (like adrenaline). Lovesickness is real...and when things settle down, I begin to fret about the state of the relationship scrutinizing every move, every word, every second of silence for a clue on how to "fix" it. I know, I am ridiculous. And only because there are no pressing issues in my relationshiop right now, I can write about this. But next week, I am sure I'll come up with something to get all spun up about.
I desire to head it off at the pass, though. I want to learn how to be a grown-up in a relationship. But in a year or so, when the infatuation wears off, what do I do?
Robin L. Smith says the first step is to "show up as a grown up." Not as a little girl fulfilling a fantasy, not as a teenager looking to offset the bad stuff from a childhood, not as a young adult trying to impress your friends.
I know that one of my biggest roadblocks to mature love is the unsettled crap between the father figures in my life and myself. I never got approval from my father or my stepfather and so I live and die by the approval of my significant other.
Smith also says, "Whatever we focus on is what grows." I know that I cannot change another, so I must focus on myself if I am ever to get this right. According to Suzanne Harill, "Healing your past, building self-esteem, dealing with feelings and speaking from your own experience" are all ways to change yourself in a relationship. Doing such things, will ultimately impact your partner, your relationship, and your future.
My friend once told me that marriage isn't meant to complete us, it is an opportunity to share our complete lives with someone special. I know that in order for a marriage to work, I have to find a way to let go of my expectations of a fairy tale. I know that I am on my way. I know that I have progressed in the last year, but I still have a ways to go. Hopefully, my partner is willing to be patient and to walk side by side with me as I take these steps toward mature love.
In my research, I found this article on the three stages of love. Check it out: http://www.womensmedia.com/relationships-love-stages.htm
Sunday May 20, 2007
vomitting of the brain
Current mood: scared
Why is it sometimes so difficult? All I want is to be happy, but my brain seems to create all this drama...At the same time, I feel in my soul that I am not getting what I need out of life. How can I be so happy and so miserable at the same time? How can I respectfully, eloquently convey my thoughts and get ACTION? Not guilty action, but a stirring in the soul that says "its time to shit or get off the pot." How do I decide if I am fucked up or right? I know that there are manipulative mo'fos that would like me to believe its all in my head, but don't I know what I know? If its really how I feel, isn't it at least a real feeling? (Whether or not it is warranted or correct or whatever adjective you want to put there, it is at least a real feeling.)
If I know that I am not getting what I want, do I wait for it? That certainly isn't the advice I would give my sister...I'd say "Take action! Do what is best for YOU. Do what you think will make you happy and still be pleasing God." But is that what I would do? No. At least, that is not what I have done...I wait. I think I'll change, I'll conform, I'll settle, I'll mature. But I haven't, nor do I think I ever will.
I hate it when 80 percent of life is great and 20 percent is only tolerable. If that 20 percent were atrocious, it would be so much easier to make a move. But I have tolerated before, and that leaves me feeling empty, alone, broken and even ashamed.
Where do I go from here? I cant keep repeating this same vicious cycle. Seriously, only morons commit the same acts and expect different results...
Speaking of moron...I am not one. Seriously. I am not. People may want to believe that, but it is not the case. I often chose to ignore things, but I am not unaware that they exist. Truth is, I am ridiculously perceptive. For some reason God decided to give me that gift. I can make split second decisions and be spot on 98 percent of the time. I attest that to the Holy Spirit dwelling in me, guiding me, but whatever. Call it whatever you want, mine is insanely strong. It's not that I am a know-it-all, it's completely different than that. It's the Blink factor at its finest.
I try to be so uncomplicated, but really, I am girl's girl through and through. I can pick out the "girliness" that I hate in others so quickly, but when it comes right down to it, I am just as psycho. Why/How is that?
As I reflect on the last 28 years of my life, I would venture to say that it has all been the same. With or without Christ. With or without family. With or without a man. I'm still the same fucked up individual I was a child, a teen, a young adult. I still battle the same demons I did as a kid, as a daughter, as a wife, and as a should-have been mother. Depression, anxiety, self-esteem, histrionics, hyperbole, annoyance, frustration, anger, hormones, men issues, family issues, control issues, and so on and so forth. It doesn't matter if I am skinny, pretty, in school or not, in MN or Cali. I battle the same shit everyday.
Will I ever get this right, God? Will I ever be square? Not even happy, just even-keel?
Current mood: scared
Why is it sometimes so difficult? All I want is to be happy, but my brain seems to create all this drama...At the same time, I feel in my soul that I am not getting what I need out of life. How can I be so happy and so miserable at the same time? How can I respectfully, eloquently convey my thoughts and get ACTION? Not guilty action, but a stirring in the soul that says "its time to shit or get off the pot." How do I decide if I am fucked up or right? I know that there are manipulative mo'fos that would like me to believe its all in my head, but don't I know what I know? If its really how I feel, isn't it at least a real feeling? (Whether or not it is warranted or correct or whatever adjective you want to put there, it is at least a real feeling.)
If I know that I am not getting what I want, do I wait for it? That certainly isn't the advice I would give my sister...I'd say "Take action! Do what is best for YOU. Do what you think will make you happy and still be pleasing God." But is that what I would do? No. At least, that is not what I have done...I wait. I think I'll change, I'll conform, I'll settle, I'll mature. But I haven't, nor do I think I ever will.
I hate it when 80 percent of life is great and 20 percent is only tolerable. If that 20 percent were atrocious, it would be so much easier to make a move. But I have tolerated before, and that leaves me feeling empty, alone, broken and even ashamed.
Where do I go from here? I cant keep repeating this same vicious cycle. Seriously, only morons commit the same acts and expect different results...
Speaking of moron...I am not one. Seriously. I am not. People may want to believe that, but it is not the case. I often chose to ignore things, but I am not unaware that they exist. Truth is, I am ridiculously perceptive. For some reason God decided to give me that gift. I can make split second decisions and be spot on 98 percent of the time. I attest that to the Holy Spirit dwelling in me, guiding me, but whatever. Call it whatever you want, mine is insanely strong. It's not that I am a know-it-all, it's completely different than that. It's the Blink factor at its finest.
I try to be so uncomplicated, but really, I am girl's girl through and through. I can pick out the "girliness" that I hate in others so quickly, but when it comes right down to it, I am just as psycho. Why/How is that?
As I reflect on the last 28 years of my life, I would venture to say that it has all been the same. With or without Christ. With or without family. With or without a man. I'm still the same fucked up individual I was a child, a teen, a young adult. I still battle the same demons I did as a kid, as a daughter, as a wife, and as a should-have been mother. Depression, anxiety, self-esteem, histrionics, hyperbole, annoyance, frustration, anger, hormones, men issues, family issues, control issues, and so on and so forth. It doesn't matter if I am skinny, pretty, in school or not, in MN or Cali. I battle the same shit everyday.
Will I ever get this right, God? Will I ever be square? Not even happy, just even-keel?
Saturday April 14, 2007
10 years
Current mood: pensive
So, I did this random bulletin survey about what i was doing 10 years ago, then 5 years ago and now today. It was pretty interesting to look at.
I mean, 10 years ago, I was a senior in high school, my mom was in the hospital, I thought I wanted to spend forever with Michael Boeddeker (we broke up like a month and half later). I was working at an automotive repair shop with no plan for the future (not too long after graduation, Frank taught me the bookkeeping for that same auto shop and totally changed my future)...it's a mind trip to compare ten years ago to today.
And then, just by chance, five years ago was the first time I moved to Cali. What an amazing time in my life. I was so happy. My life was perfect. And then somehow, five years later, I am also happy, but the circumstances are COMPLETELY different. I am no longer married to the man I was so happily married to five years ago. (And for whatever it is worth, I REALLY WAS HAPPY - and I really am happy now.) It's amazing to me what five years can do...I wonder where I would be today if we hadn't made that fatal move to Minnesota...
That survey has totally infected my mind. I encourage you do that survey or something similar...it's fun and educational all at the same time :)
Current mood: pensive
So, I did this random bulletin survey about what i was doing 10 years ago, then 5 years ago and now today. It was pretty interesting to look at.
I mean, 10 years ago, I was a senior in high school, my mom was in the hospital, I thought I wanted to spend forever with Michael Boeddeker (we broke up like a month and half later). I was working at an automotive repair shop with no plan for the future (not too long after graduation, Frank taught me the bookkeeping for that same auto shop and totally changed my future)...it's a mind trip to compare ten years ago to today.
And then, just by chance, five years ago was the first time I moved to Cali. What an amazing time in my life. I was so happy. My life was perfect. And then somehow, five years later, I am also happy, but the circumstances are COMPLETELY different. I am no longer married to the man I was so happily married to five years ago. (And for whatever it is worth, I REALLY WAS HAPPY - and I really am happy now.) It's amazing to me what five years can do...I wonder where I would be today if we hadn't made that fatal move to Minnesota...
That survey has totally infected my mind. I encourage you do that survey or something similar...it's fun and educational all at the same time :)
Monday February 5, 2007
Worthy of an "F'ing-heimer"
Current mood: numb
There are so many things I could write about that dam letter....But all I want to say is this:
Ladies and Gentleman,
If you think that the one you are with is worth something, make sure you tell them today. If you don't, all you will be able to say later is, "FUCK. I screwed up."
Current mood: numb
There are so many things I could write about that dam letter....But all I want to say is this:
Ladies and Gentleman,
If you think that the one you are with is worth something, make sure you tell them today. If you don't, all you will be able to say later is, "FUCK. I screwed up."
Sunday December 3, 2006
70 x 7
Current mood: pensive
It is often quoted from Jesus that we are to forgive 70 x 7...Is that phrase taken out of context? What IS the correct application? When is it healthy and helpful to forgive? When is it only damaging to forgive? I would love others' insight on this one...
17 August 2008 UPDATE
Yesterday in the San Diego Union Tribune, there was an article extolling the physical health benefits of forgiveness. The article had some interesting quotes regarding forgiveness.
"Forgiveness is not about letting them off the hook. It's about continuing on with our journey. It frees up our soul, in a way. You let go of the anger."
-- Paul Livingston, victim of child molestation
"Forgivness doesn't mean excusing, forgetting or pretending that an offense never occurred. It doesn't imply that you trust the offender. Forgiveness is letting go of the bitter, grudging, vengeful feelings."
-- Julie Juola Exline, Professor of Psychology
"When you forgive a person, you are deciding to be freed."
-- Jim LaRue, father of brutally murdered daughter
"Forgiveness is what you do for yourself."
-- Imaculee Ilibagize, survivor of Rwandan genocide
The article talked about what most religious scholars have known for years...There are health benefits to forgiveness.
The beauty is that forgiveness is a process; it's not something you have to immediately do, just something you have to work towards.
The only part of the process the article mentioned was empathy. It said empathy for the offender is key to forgiveness. Once you can deduce why a person did something, you can begin to accept what they have done.
More information on Immaculee Ilibagiza
Current mood: pensive
It is often quoted from Jesus that we are to forgive 70 x 7...Is that phrase taken out of context? What IS the correct application? When is it healthy and helpful to forgive? When is it only damaging to forgive? I would love others' insight on this one...
17 August 2008 UPDATE
Yesterday in the San Diego Union Tribune, there was an article extolling the physical health benefits of forgiveness. The article had some interesting quotes regarding forgiveness.
"Forgiveness is not about letting them off the hook. It's about continuing on with our journey. It frees up our soul, in a way. You let go of the anger."
-- Paul Livingston, victim of child molestation
"Forgivness doesn't mean excusing, forgetting or pretending that an offense never occurred. It doesn't imply that you trust the offender. Forgiveness is letting go of the bitter, grudging, vengeful feelings."
-- Julie Juola Exline, Professor of Psychology
"When you forgive a person, you are deciding to be freed."
-- Jim LaRue, father of brutally murdered daughter
"Forgiveness is what you do for yourself."
-- Imaculee Ilibagize, survivor of Rwandan genocide
The article talked about what most religious scholars have known for years...There are health benefits to forgiveness.
The beauty is that forgiveness is a process; it's not something you have to immediately do, just something you have to work towards.
The only part of the process the article mentioned was empathy. It said empathy for the offender is key to forgiveness. Once you can deduce why a person did something, you can begin to accept what they have done.
More information on Immaculee Ilibagiza
Friday December 1, 2006
I can be so flighty
Current mood: amused
I ran out of gas today...Well, technically I didn't run out. I pulled over and stopped the car before it could actually die. I have NEVER run out of gas before - and I have been driving for 12 years! (wow, I am old)
See, I got this fancy new car and it tells me how many miles I have until my tank is empty. Since I only drive four miles per day, I can ignore the low gas warnings...
Today at lunch I had an errand to run. I COMPLETELY forgot about the low gas situation. So, I happily ran my errand and was very proud that I got it done quickly so I could be back to work on time -- HA! The second I got on the bumper-to-bumper freeway I remembered the low gas warnings..."1 mile to empty." I'm a moron.
I called a co-worker in a panic and she rushed to help me, so all is well...
Interesting things happen when you are sitting on the side of the 405. Mexicans hit on you, people laugh at you, teenagers turn up their music so you have something to dance to...I will do my best to not run out of gas again.
There were a few nice people who offered to give me rides. It is a weird situation to see hundreds of cars whiz by you, all with sufficient gas, and you have none.
Anyway, I am glad I had the experience, but I would prefer to not have it happen again :)
Amazon sells gas cans - new and used!
Current mood: amused
I ran out of gas today...Well, technically I didn't run out. I pulled over and stopped the car before it could actually die. I have NEVER run out of gas before - and I have been driving for 12 years! (wow, I am old)
See, I got this fancy new car and it tells me how many miles I have until my tank is empty. Since I only drive four miles per day, I can ignore the low gas warnings...
Today at lunch I had an errand to run. I COMPLETELY forgot about the low gas situation. So, I happily ran my errand and was very proud that I got it done quickly so I could be back to work on time -- HA! The second I got on the bumper-to-bumper freeway I remembered the low gas warnings..."1 mile to empty." I'm a moron.
I called a co-worker in a panic and she rushed to help me, so all is well...
Interesting things happen when you are sitting on the side of the 405. Mexicans hit on you, people laugh at you, teenagers turn up their music so you have something to dance to...I will do my best to not run out of gas again.
There were a few nice people who offered to give me rides. It is a weird situation to see hundreds of cars whiz by you, all with sufficient gas, and you have none.
Anyway, I am glad I had the experience, but I would prefer to not have it happen again :)
Amazon sells gas cans - new and used!
Tuesday November 7, 2006
Updates
Birthday -- No sucky. Muy bueno.
MN -- BIG sucky.
Chris's Deployment - Not this round.
Postsecret.com - Get the book!
Birthday -- No sucky. Muy bueno.
MN -- BIG sucky.
Chris's Deployment - Not this round.
Postsecret.com - Get the book!
Thursday October 12, 2006
grrr
Current mood:SELFISH
I am fully expecting this coming birthday to once again suck. I am writing this, not to gain sympathy, but to mentally prepare myself. My 28th birthday will suck big.
Current mood:SELFISH
I am fully expecting this coming birthday to once again suck. I am writing this, not to gain sympathy, but to mentally prepare myself. My 28th birthday will suck big.
Friday October 6, 2006
Is it age?
Current mood: contemplative
I am struck by the amazing difference between the mindset of 30 and 20 year olds. I know that when I was 20, I truly believed I knew all there was to know about life and choices and such. Now that I am closer to 30, I realize that I actually know NOTHING.
At what age does that transformation occur? Is it really an age thing or an experience thing or both (with age comes experience)?
What role does God play in that transformation? Like, maybe it really has nothing to do with age, and everything to do with the progressional work God does in His followers.
I am very glad to see that difference now. I don't know that I could have seen it a couple years ago. I pray that I can be graceful and wise whenever dealing with someone at a difference experience level than me.
Current mood: contemplative
I am struck by the amazing difference between the mindset of 30 and 20 year olds. I know that when I was 20, I truly believed I knew all there was to know about life and choices and such. Now that I am closer to 30, I realize that I actually know NOTHING.
At what age does that transformation occur? Is it really an age thing or an experience thing or both (with age comes experience)?
What role does God play in that transformation? Like, maybe it really has nothing to do with age, and everything to do with the progressional work God does in His followers.
I am very glad to see that difference now. I don't know that I could have seen it a couple years ago. I pray that I can be graceful and wise whenever dealing with someone at a difference experience level than me.
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