Sunday May 20, 2007

vomitting of the brain
Current mood: scared
Why is it sometimes so difficult? All I want is to be happy, but my brain seems to create all this drama...At the same time, I feel in my soul that I am not getting what I need out of life. How can I be so happy and so miserable at the same time? How can I respectfully, eloquently convey my thoughts and get ACTION? Not guilty action, but a stirring in the soul that says "its time to shit or get off the pot." How do I decide if I am fucked up or right? I know that there are manipulative mo'fos that would like me to believe its all in my head, but don't I know what I know? If its really how I feel, isn't it at least a real feeling? (Whether or not it is warranted or correct or whatever adjective you want to put there, it is at least a real feeling.)
If I know that I am not getting what I want, do I wait for it? That certainly isn't the advice I would give my sister...I'd say "Take action! Do what is best for YOU. Do what you think will make you happy and still be pleasing God." But is that what I would do? No. At least, that is not what I have done...I wait. I think I'll change, I'll conform, I'll settle, I'll mature. But I haven't, nor do I think I ever will.
I hate it when 80 percent of life is great and 20 percent is only tolerable. If that 20 percent were atrocious, it would be so much easier to make a move. But I have tolerated before, and that leaves me feeling empty, alone, broken and even ashamed.
Where do I go from here? I cant keep repeating this same vicious cycle. Seriously, only morons commit the same acts and expect different results...
Speaking of moron...I am not one. Seriously. I am not. People may want to believe that, but it is not the case. I often chose to ignore things, but I am not unaware that they exist. Truth is, I am ridiculously perceptive. For some reason God decided to give me that gift. I can make split second decisions and be spot on 98 percent of the time. I attest that to the Holy Spirit dwelling in me, guiding me, but whatever. Call it whatever you want, mine is insanely strong. It's not that I am a know-it-all, it's completely different than that. It's the Blink factor at its finest.
I try to be so uncomplicated, but really, I am girl's girl through and through. I can pick out the "girliness" that I hate in others so quickly, but when it comes right down to it, I am just as psycho. Why/How is that?
As I reflect on the last 28 years of my life, I would venture to say that it has all been the same. With or without Christ. With or without family. With or without a man. I'm still the same fucked up individual I was a child, a teen, a young adult. I still battle the same demons I did as a kid, as a daughter, as a wife, and as a should-have been mother. Depression, anxiety, self-esteem, histrionics, hyperbole, annoyance, frustration, anger, hormones, men issues, family issues, control issues, and so on and so forth. It doesn't matter if I am skinny, pretty, in school or not, in MN or Cali. I battle the same shit everyday.
Will I ever get this right, God? Will I ever be square? Not even happy, just even-keel?