Thursday June 12, 2008

ugh
Current mood: aggravated
I just wrote the most awesome blog I'd ever written and somehow it just disappeared....Damn Myspace! It was so great...It was free therapy. I totally learned something through the vomiting of my brain. DAMN IT!
New lesson for 6/11/08: Write blogs in Word and then cut and paste it into Myspace.
DAMN IT!
The end result of that blog was that the current time of chaos in my life is not even about me. The last two years had been all about building my dream life and now is Chris's time. Though I am not having any fun in this awful time of transistion, Chris's joy in his family and in his home make it all worth it.
The blog was WAY better than that stupid paragraph I just wrote. DAM MYSPACE!
2 am...I couldn't sleep, so I figured I would try to recreate the blog. It went something like this - the original was still better, but this is pretty close.
I understand that sometimes things must be broken down in order to be built up again.

I understand that things that are not appreciated should be taken away.

I understand that what doesn't kill me can only make me stronger.

I understand. I do.

But, seriously?! Really?!! In one fell swoop, my job that I love and am really good at, my home that I love and am really comfortable in, and my husband that I love and am really really attached to are all, in various ways, being taken from me. It's too much at one time. It's just too much for me.

In a few weeks, we are moving to San Diego. I know that the future holds a life that is awesomely amazingly beautifully crazy good for Chris, Brytin and I. I know that once we move to San Diego and I find a new job, our life will be better.

But the present isn't bad. I'm all for continuous improvements in life. Progress is good. I just feel like it is unfair to make all these major changes at once. I DID NOT ASK FOR BETTER. I do not need better, I am perfectly happy with the way that it was.

I trust in God's perfect timing. I trust in God's infinite wisdom and ability to see the bigger picture. I trust that God works all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:26). How do I live out loud the trust I have and still tolerate the chaos around me? How do I embrace the future while I mourn the past?

I do not feel as though I took for granted any of the blessings God bestowed on me the past two years. I love my job, and I have done it to the best of my ability. I love the home I have created with Chris, and Brytin loves it too. And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my time with Chris was NOT taken for granted. So why is he not here right now?

I don't think I am whining in asking these questions. But maybe I am. Maybe, I need an attitude adjustment. Maybe I need to just "get over it." It's just not that easy for me.

Oh. Okay. Maybe it's not even about me…My husband commutes 180 miles a day. My husband only gets to see his son a few times a month. My husband has only lived in apartments. Chris probably wasn't "perfectly happy" with the present circumstances. Maybe the past two years were all about creating my dream life and now is Chris's time.

Huh. I love blogging.