Thursday, July 16, 2009

Sunday January 11, 2009 **WARNING - there are a few F-Bombs in here**

Current mood: pissed off

In my opinion, that is a fair fucking question. It’s not too much to ask “Why couldn’t you love and cherish and adore me when I loved you?”
In my short lifetime, I have loved HUGE -- Ev, Mike, Rob, Andre and Chris. Five times. Some would say that that is excessive. If you know me, you know that I love easily and once I love, I love BIG. I go all the fucking way out. There is no half-ass in a relationship in my world. There is no “just being in a relationship.” I love out loud every fucking day that there is a day.
I realize, that I can be tough to take. I get that - really, I do. My expectations of human beings are astronomical. My expectations of a significant other are probably out of this world also. But, the truth is, I deserve to be treated astronomically. I am fucking amazing. I am one-in-a-million. Just ask Ev, Mike, Rob and Andre. Every single one of those mother fuckers broke my heart. Every single one left ME. And whether it took six months, six years, or even 12 years, every single one of those mother fuckers has come to me and said, “Wow. I fucked up.”’
Why is it so easy to walk away from me? Why is it so easy to love me AFTER you leave me? When in this fucking life will I be cherished in the present by the man I adore??? I gave Andre three fucking years to figure it out. Six months after we split up, he figured it out. Are you fucking kidding me?
And I must say, I am once again in a similar boat. My husband loves me, but he doesn’t adore me or appreciate me or cherish me – he has NO FUCKING CLUE how truly blessed he is to have me in his life. Ironic that at the same time that I’m lamenting his disinterest in me, Mike is telling me how much he fucked up 12 years ago. TWELVE fucking years ago. We were kids! But yet, he can sit there at his computer, a grown ass man, and tell me that he fucked up.
Maybe God’s intent in having Mike find me on Facebook was for this exact blog. Maybe this is what I needed. Maybe this is what finally skyrockets me out of this gloom and doom bullshit. I’ve dabbled in confidence and assertiveness the last couple months, but I just couldn’t get there. Is this really the wind beneath my wings that I needed to help me soar?

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