Saturday August 30, 2008

a girl needs her daddy
Current mood: exhausted
My biological father's name is Rick. Him and my mom got pregnant in high school. They married after getting pregnant a second time. My mom made a feeble attempt at saving her marriage by having me...Rick thought I was someone else's kid and walked out when I was six-months old...My sisters lived with my mom and me for a couple years until my mom cracked. She was twenty-three, divorced, and had three kids under five (the oldest was four, Jess was two and a half and i was one and a half). She dropped the girls off at their dads and never looked back.
When I was thirteen, I tried to contact my dad. I was having a difficult time with my mom and stepdad and thought that the answer was to at least learn about where I came from...Rick called my mom and told him that my sisters were not emotionally strong enough to deal with the chaos that would ensue if he spoke to me...
When I was fifteen, I tried again. We all met once. It was awkward. I had phone conversations with my stepmom for a few months, but eventually just gave up.
When I was twenty, I decided it was do or die. I was going nowhere, doing nothing and really needed some direction in my life. Rick had a college education, he had a great career, he had children in college and a successful marriage. I needed a role model like that, so I tried again. We tried for about three years to forge a relationship. It never worked.
Not that it isn't possible to have a relationship with a relative you didn't grow up with, it just wasn't possible for us. For a million reasons. The first being that my dad thinks I am "too much like my mother" whom he despises. The second being that my stepmother refuses to allow me into their perfect world lest the "devil's spawn" would fuck it all up.
It's been a difficult road for me.
A girl needs her daddy. I believe that now more than ever.
Thankfully, the Lord has helped fill the void left by the men that could have been great fathers to me.