Wednesday, July 22, 2009

An old journal writing

I write about father/daughter stuff a lot. I do this in hopes that someone, somewhere will gain from my heartache. I hope that a father will realize the life-long impact his relationship has on his daughter. I hope that a daughter might realize that the relationship problems she is having stem from her relationship with her father. No other relationship has the far-reaching an effect. (i.e. A son who adores his mother is not necessarily a great husband. )

Fathers, intentionally or not, teach their daughters how to regard themselves, what kinds of relationships are healthy, what to look for in a partner, and what to expect of men in co-parenting relationships. Imagine what a girl with an absent father learns?

A girl always wants the love and approval from her daddy. If she never receives it, “it is difficult to develop a healthy relationship because you are working from a point of need instead of working out of a position of co-equal,” said Dr. Canfield. “There is a void in her life and the search to fill that void prompts her to take risks in relationships which usually result in some really poor choices.”

A pretty good article explaining some of the impacts of the father/daughter relationship:

And now for the old journal writing…In case you have ever wondered why my biological father is not in my life...This was written December 26, 2003. I was living in NE Mpls. I had stopped at my biological father’s house earlier that afternoon…

Just short of five years after meeting my father, I now know, without a doubt, that he does not want me in his life. And for the first time, I am okay with that painful truth.

On a whim, I stopped at my dad’s house today because I knew that not knowing his thoughts was eating me up inside. He was not home, but I had the un-pleasure of a face-to-face with his wife and eldest daughter (my sister, Mandy).

I have not spoken a word to anyone in that house since like September of 2001…I haven’t seen them since Father’s Day of 2001.

Today, they told me that they did not want me in their lives because I played a major role in ruining their family…that I “took advantage of Jessica’s weaker mental state and manipulated her into believing that the Galsters were not her family (nor the DeVitos).”

Mandy and Lynn believe that I tore their family apart. Even worse, they believe that I did it on purpose. They said that I had horrible motives from the get-go; that they were apprehensive about letting me into their lives because they did not want to give me the opportunity to screw up their family – and their worst fears came true. Apparently, they thought I was so miserable in my life with my mother, that I would stop at NOTHING to ruin my father’s life.

Seriously. They said that.

They said a lot of hurtful things to me, and despite my protests that their assumptions and interpretations were false, they really did not want to hear my side of the story.

Before I went to my dad’s I had asked Jess to pray for me. I think He answered our prayers in that He made it easy for me to walk away from St. Paul. They have harbored this negative image of me for YEARS and have no desire to hear the truth. Their “reality” is flat-out wrong, and nothing I can say or do will convince them otherwise.

I do wish that I had had someone with me…maybe even a tape recorder just so other people would know that THEY have chosen not to include me in their lives.

I think that shutting the door on this five-year chapter will really help me to focus on the future. Knowing and accepting that the Galsters do not know me and have no desire to know me really makes it easier to accept that they are not in my life.

There is so much to be said about our conversation today. So much that I want to record, but I just don’t know that it is important. I do not want bitterness to rule my life. I do not want to be angry and resentful, victimized and heartbroken. I do not want to spend my time rehashing – that’s what Mandy and Lynn do, and I can plainly see there is NO benefit to such activities. It’s hard on your skin, your bones, your heart, and your attitude. Resentment is especially hard on those around you.

I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to be a good person, and it is kind of screwing me mentally to see that so many have such negative opinions of me….why? AM I a bad person? Are all of my efforts fruitless? Do I really spread evil rather than goodness? At what point in my earthly life will I be confident that I am doing this right or at least to the best of my ability?

It’s weird to think that Mandy has been so very angry with me for over two years and has never told me. She never gave me a chance…I do not ever want to be like that.

I think that when people ask me about my dad, I’m just gonna say that he is in an insane asylum, because he is fucking nutty.

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