Tuesday August 12, 2008

pork chops and applesauce
Current mood: blah
There are so many things to write, and yet I just don't have the energy to write any of it. All is well. Nothing is wrong, but nothing is right. I'm tired, I'm crabby, I'm lonely, and I'm worried. About what? Nothing. And EVERYthing. There's all this chaos and none of it was caused by me. There's all this change and I just can't get acclimated. Truthfully, there's alot of really cool things going on in my world, but I just can't seem to be anything but blah at best and pissed off at worst.
I hate moments like this. I try to focus on positives. I try to pick one thing to get excited about. I try to just be happy. Instead, I get wrapped up in a vicious cycle of self-doubt, self-hatred, and then taking all my angst out on others; which leads to feelings of failure, self-doubt, self-hatred and taking all my angst out on others; which leads to...GRR
I keep wondering if the problem(s) don't stem from age...I'm gonna be 30 very soon. For the past couple years, I was pretty excited for 30. It was a great opportunity to start fresh, but all the "fresh starts" have happened. New husband, new house, new job, etc. So, now it seems, 30 is just older.
And truthfully, the older I get, the more I seem to lose the happy, free-spirited Leslie we all love so much. I am more shy, I am more impatient, I am less compassionate and more demanding. Does that just mean as time has passed, I've discovered what I love/like and am not willing to settle? IDK, but I don't like being so closed-off from fun and laughter. Oh, don't get me wrong, I laugh. I laugh a helluva lot. But it's only with certain people...Like, I am more reserved, I guess. I'm not friends with everyone; only a couple people. I have noticed this transformation over the past year or so, but it became VERY obvious a month ago when I started this new job...I used to be the really sweet and fun girl that everyone wanted to be around. But when I started at AMN, I started talking to one person, and have all but refused to be anything more than cordial to anyone else. I barely even know anyone else's names...I don't know if any of that is really age or a slow progression into bitterness. I really don't want to be crotchety 30-year-old!
One piece of the puzzle is that I am, always have been, an opposites chameleon. My friend at work, Lisa, is a social butterfly. Everyone loves her. And whenever I'm around very social people, I clam up. I let them shine and I take a backseat. If you are a leader, I'll be your follower. If you're a follower, I'll be your leader. It's not that I don't know who I am per se, it's that I am willing to be whatever...Is that unhealthy? IDK.
It seems like the more I experience (read: the older I get), the less willing I am to be tolerant. I thought that the older we got, the more tolerant we got? I suppose that in some ways, I am more open-minded than I once was, but I am way less tolerant. I am quicker to check out of a situation that isn't pleasing to me. If you piss me off or hurt me or even just annoy me, I'm out. I don't have time for your BS. That's a horrible way to be, I think...Do I want to change it? No. I really really really don't like drama. I have no patience for it and if you bring it into my world, I'm gonna kick you the fuck out. (I'm slightly more opinionated and harsh than I used to be...Or am I? IDK anymore!!) It's this weird mix of being MORE opinionated but expressing them to fewer people, and I just can't seem to wrap my head around it.
I don't have a very Christ-like attitude. I should really work on it...I've lost compassion. Maybe it's too many R-rated movies. LOL.
Anyway, that's where I'm at mentally. Physically, I'm sitting in my HOUSE! It's pretty sweet...except all the boxes still unpacked and the lack of time for painting/decorating and my lack of energy to clean when I get home from work...See! Vicious cycle. I start out positive and end up all grumpy. Crappy. Any suggestions?